Big School

So, when the bottle of cold liquid nitrogen

hits the warm water, it will expand and explode,

and just to spice things up a little bit,

we have, Pat,

1000 ping-pong balls.

Pat.

Take it away, Pat, go on, Pat.

Off you go.

Cover your ears, everybody.

Hang on, don't go, you'll miss the-

Good morning, everyone.

Can I have your attention, please?

I have a very important announcement to make.

-Keith. -Quiet, please.

I have long been aware that the pupils here at Greybridge

have zero interest in education.

-Know it. -Mr. Barber, I'm talking.

But it seems the teachers have even less.

Yes, I'm talking about you lot, deal with it.

I don't think this is the time.

This is the perfect time.

So, after a week's reflection,

I have decided to hand in this letter of resignation.

I'm sorry, but-

And where is Mrs. Kent?

Late again, I imagine.

She's dead.

Completely dead?

Yes.

Did you not get my text?

No, I didn't need to make any calls over half term,

so I didn't turn my phone on.

How did she...

French A-level trip.

Eating a crepe.

Nut allergy.

Daft old cow didn't realise Nutella's got nuts in it.

Tragically, she didn't know

the French for anaphylactic shock.

Oh, I've got it now.

Linda, dead.

When's the funeral?

Oh, yesterday.

Wish I had a nut allergy.

One fun-size Snickers, I'd end it all.

Don't say that, life is precious.

Well, mine isn't.

You see the graffiti those kids did about me this morning?

Oh, Mrs. Kent.

What can you say about Mrs. Kent,

other than, she was Mrs. Kent.

Kenty.

Kent-face.

Mrs. K.

Special K.

The KKK.

She didn't like being called that.

The thing I'll always remember about Mrs. Kent is-

You gonna hand that letter of resignation in?

Oh, yes, yes, I'll do it now.

Run!

I love everything French, not just the language,

the history, the romance, the bread.

I say to myself, don't just teach these kids French,

let them be French.

Dirty people, dirty country.

May I sit down?

I'd rather you didn't,

I've just had the chairs upholstered.

Now, you've got a lot to live up to, Miss...

Postern.

Lavatory's next door, Mr. Hubble.

Oh.

They've moved it.

One of the pupils?

What did you say?

I said, is he one of the pupils?

Clearly not, he's a teacher.

I was just making a joke.

Please don't do that again.

Anything else you'd like to add?

Well, I should tell you

that my teaching methods are...

How can I put it?

Unconventional.

Like what?

I get the kids up playing vocab tennis.

I serve up a French word

and they return it to me with a translation.

Let me serve one up for you.

Boulangerie.

The whole thing's utterly excruciating.

The kids absolutely love it.

They're just humouring you.

They're just humouring you, you mean.

What do you mean by that?

I don't know.

Morning.

Awful news about Linda.

Yes, I was one of the first to know.

Beautiful funeral.

Didn't see you there.

Yes, well, there was a separate service

for family and very close friends,

and I went to that, obviously.

There was no administrative staff invited.

Oh, oh, you can't go in there.

She's just in with the new French teacher.

I'm sorry, this can't wait.

I'm busy.

I have a very important letter for you.

Hello.

Oh.

I'm Sarah, Mrs. Kent's replacement.

Not that anybody could replace her,

but I'm replacing her.

Mr, Mr...

Mr. Church.

Keith Church.

All the kids call me Churchy.

No, they don't.

What's in the letter?

Oh, that's nothing.

Oh, I'm sorry, was that your foot?

That's all right, I've got another one.

Oh, I've got another one, she says, very comical.

I was the funny one in my last school.

Looks like it'll be the same here.

Give me the letter.

Oh, no, it's best I just read it to you.

Dear Headmistress, just to say

how much I'm enjoying my time at the school

and I hope for it to continue for many years to come.

Also, it was lovely to meet the

hilarious new French teacher, Susan.

Sarah.

And just to say, she has very, very, very beautiful hair.

Mm, get that a lot.

Yours sincerely, Keith Church, Deputy Head of Science.

And all that was in the letter, was it?

Yes, it was, so there's no need for you to read it.

Won't take up any more of your time.

Au revoir.

No, you don't, do you?

And to avoid another Nutella fatality,

I think we should all know that

the French for anaphylactic shock is...

Shock anaphylactique.

Really?

She should've guessed that.

Would you like to introduce yourself to the school,

say a few words?

Hello.

Okay, make some noise if you think French is boring.

All right, and let's have a really big shout out

from anyone who thinks learning a new language

is a complete and utter waste of time.

But what if I was to tell you-

Thank you, I really did mean just a few words.

Oh, right, well, obviously, I hadn't finished,

because I was going to do a little thing.

You've established that French is boring,

and I have to wonder why you did that.

Could I just do a little bit of vocab tennis?

Sit down.

So, pupils past and present are welcome

at the commemorative service for Mrs. Kent a week on Sunday.

Mr. Church.

Toilets.

Now, I spoke to you last term about graffiti,

and I'm sorry to say that an obscene picture

has appeared on the walls of the boys lavatories.

This is completely unacceptable and must stop now.

That is all.

So, what's in the picture?

Well, I'd rather not say.

Well, if they don't know what's in the picture,

how are they gonna know what not to draw?

Well,

there's a bald-headed gentlemen who resembles Mr. Barber

and he's kneeling.

Part of his anatomy is exposed

and he's engaging with a sheep.

What's the sheep doing?

Oh, well, the sheep is saying,

"Harder, Mr. Barber."

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Baa.

Excuse me, do you know the way to the language block?

Yes.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in 1756

in Salzburg, Austria.

Boring.

Sorry, guys, Mozart is totally yawnsville.