Wild Cherry

90, this is my senior year of high school.

I've spent the last four years with a bunch of horny football players and, uh

ex-obsessed teenagers

Was 19.

I was 17.

Seventeen.

Think I was 16.

Ah, we went for about 45 minutes the first go, yeah.

Um, not very long.

About threes minutes, actually.

I was so damn scared I put my condom on before I took off my pants.

It wasn't that great, honestly.

It was kinda embarrassing and we didn't know what parts went in where.

And unfortunately it was the worst experience of my life.

It lasted three seconds, there was no magic, and his mother walked in on us.

Then she went down, came up, and then I looked up

and she turned around and there was a room full of people watching us.

She grabbed her vodka, she screamed, and she bolted out the door.

Last time I ever talked to her.

So Walt a second, did you actually make love to her?

Yeah. Well, I made love to her face.

I think I made it into this big thing and then I was disappointed

because it wasn't what I thought it was going to be.

Well, my first time's gonna be with Stanford, of course.

It's gonna be really romantic.

And he'll pick me up and carry me to the bed

and we'll just like, fall into each other

and nave the most amazing connection.

Like, be in total sync with one another.

Ow! Franklin? Will you watch it?

Yeah, soity.

Helen, you okay'?

I'm you.

All right.

Look, he wanis you. Screw the speculative romance crap and just do it already.

Chase! I just don't think you should rush into anything.

What's there lo plan? Condoms, lube, room.

I meant be emotionally prepared so you don't regret anything.

Am. I think.

Look, everyone's lirst time sucks. That's why next party I go lo

I'm finding the hottest, drunkest guy I can and just getting it over with.

I'm gonna be in New York next year.

That is such a slut-bag thing to do.

Look, all I'm saying is you should just do it.

Why?

They're just friends.

Yeah, you know, I stretch with my friends like that all the time.

Whatever.

Let's hit those dummies, boys!

Skeets, let's leave the doll playing for home.

(C'mon.

Ah, you sexy beast.

=reak.

She's all yours, buddy.

Wait, wait

anh, right.

We should plan this better.

Okay, yes, let's, uh, let's plan away then.

Well, Saturday my dad's finally out of the house.

Saturday? Okay, yeah. Saturday's good.

Say 7:307

yes. 7:30, Saturday. Done.

Okay.

Okay. I gotta go, all right?

Rey, I heard Hannah doesn't shower after practice.

You mean cheerleader Hannah?

Yeah.

& she" nice

but she probably wears the same underwear for like a week straight.

1 just thought you should know.

Well, I don't know, you guys were just pretty close when stretching earlier.

Oh, babe, come on. We're just-we're just friends. You know that.

Yeah, okay.

All night. I gotta go.

Okay. - All right.

Bye.

Bye, dad. I'm off to chase's.

Rey, could you come in here for a second?

I was gonna kiss you goodbye.

Oh, my god. Dad?

Look, @s your parent

I feel it's my responsibility to at least discuss this stuff with you.

Dad, I'm aimost 18. I don't need to hear this from you.

This is a female contraceptive.

My god.

It's got no hormonal side effects.

Uh, it's doctor recommended, and you've got to use it six hours

before the, uh, event occurs.

I'm leaving. Bye! Thank you for another painful childhood memory.

Rey, will you come here? You think you're embarrassed?

1 had to go down to the pharmacy and actually buy this shit.

Anyway, this is the vaginal contraceptive film.

1 did not know this product existed until about five hours ago.

Daa, this is even more embarrassing than the time you brought me maxi-pads fo school.

I didn't know what size to get.

Row was I supposed to know there were different sizes?

Nobody talks about that stuff.

Anyway, this is the cap.

Also known as the, uh, diaphragm.

You take this gel and

it kills the guy's... spunk.

Vad, I don't think I could ever have sex after hearing this from you.

Good. So you haven't?

On, hey, don't forget the old standby, the condom.

Make him wear two of these. At least twol

well, that went we

Gentlemen, we have earned a right of passage.

The buccaneer bang book.

Between these covers, lay our virgins.

Ana we know wnat fo do with them, yes?

C'mon, skeels. I mean, isn't this whole thing like a big superstition, really?

Wha...? A-a superstition?

Symbolizes what happens out on that football field.

It unites us men for a single cause.

Need I remind you of what happened in 19797

fney went down as the biggest losers our school has ever seen.

Now, we can either be a bunch of cock block losers

you pick.

Wow, [Hank you, Marco.

Now, lel's slart the show.

Ine man wno slarted it all

fo you pele, we owe everything.

Now, let's get to our virgins.

Trish Van doren.

1 get Trish Van doren, 'cause she's hot, okay?

And I know she's always had a thing for me, so.

Franklin, buddy'? - Yeah?

Rey, I'm giving you katyn chase, okay? Now, she's a freak.

Ohe's a freak in, in what way?

Just, you know, help her with her video equipment.

Marco? Condom: 1

jail groan in aisgusit/

Marco! Hey, you gel hagatha.

But she's so "fugly"!

No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, "fugly" is the new pretty. Okay? Suck it up.

Scar, you get Sabrina. Now, she has lolal nympho potential, you'll be into thal.

Time to make her dreams come true.

( Condom: 1

okay. And Stanford, buddy, I mean, I trust you and Helen are on course?

Uh, yean. We're all set for this Saturday night.

Good. At least one of you ladies is making progress.

Marco, give the man some condoms.

Now, for the rest of you boys: Morgan, Amy

Ashley, Steph, and Maria.

All right, let's bring it in, boys.

Who can tell me wnal Elise the greeks invented. Trish?

One money?

Yes Sabrina?

& Greek alad

I suppose. Amy?

Emocracy.

Sure. What else? Yes, skeels?

Lj Ana-to-Giana compa

exactly the answer I was looking for.

Althougn people have been masturbating since, well, forever

it was the greeks thal were much more open [0 the idea of self-pleasure.

So much so that they invented this.

It's called an olishbos.

It helped give women the power to orgasm while their men were away at war.

So, basically, Greek women realized that you don't need a guy lo gef off.

It also helped curb what they thought were destructive thoughts.

Hot.

Men used them for pleasure as well.

Skeeis!

Which takes us to our next play. Lysistrala.

The tale of a group of women who withhold sex

until the men in their sociely end their childish war.

Joe ringing/

and if you enjoy this play, be sure to stop by booklet.

Say "hi," I'll even give you my employee discount.

Hey, you guys remember your first one?

What, my first orgasm?

Ooh. Goda, I've had so many since. Um, lelf's see.

You've never had an orgasm, have you?

It's okay if you haven't.

It's nol really a think kind of thing. It's more you have or you haven't.

I tnink I was like five and I was at the supermarket

and they had one of those horses, you know, that you put quarters into.

I was just sitting on it and it started vibrating and, I don't know, I mean

ail I knew is that I'd never felt anything that felt that good.

Oh, my god. That's why you were always on those things.

What?

Mine happened at night. I was 12.

And I had these really rough sheets that got twisted in between my legs.

I had no iaea what it was at first and it really freaked me oul

put then it started to feel really good.

Well, you know, whatever, because after this Saturday

when Stanford and I have the house to ourselves, I will.

Um, not necessarily.

Trish has a point, but, luckily, you know, there are many other things you can use.

Um, washing machine, feathers, carrots, uh, cucumber.

Basically anything you can put in a salad.

Shower head.

Guys...

Guys work, too.

Enough!

Hey! Oh, um, I want to show you guys this.

1 just took this video of this guy the other day. It's ridiculous.

My first time was with this ugly chess club chick.

But, hey, I got in the book, so who cares, right? 1 knighted her queen.