Beyond the Door (Chi sei?)

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'may I ask for your attention, just for a minute.

'Soon you will be caught up in the events taking place on the screen,

'and then you may forget all about me,

'well, almost, anyway.

'You see, I must confess to a certain feeling of propriety

'towards the story that's about to begin

'because, immodest though it may sound,

'I play an extremely important part in the proceedings.

'In fact, without me, there really wouldn't be any story at all.

'Of course, you won't actually see me.

'Unfortunately, in recent centuries, that has gone out of fashion,

'although there was a time when I was always being painted

'or impersonated in one way or another,

'and, as you know, I've always been given the best lines.

'However, like all of us, I've had to learn to adapt

'to what is absurdly called a rational age,

'and I've done so by...

'well, shall we say, by going underground,

'and, no doubt, some of you, the Rationalists, the skeptics,

'will say, like the little girl in this picture,

'that what you can't see can't exist.

'Well, my friends, you go on thinking that as long as you can,

'because sooner or later, one way or another,

'you will discover your mistake.

'Anyway, now I will leave you alone, in the dark,

'and let my little story take over.

'Enjoy yourselves, but don't forget

'that that stranger, sitting in the seat next to you,

'could be me.'

'Dimitri.

'Dimitri, why did you let her get away?

'I could have used her as my instrument.

'But you denied me.

'And now, I deny you.

'You pitiful wretch, you crawling, groveling slave.

'How long, eh? A year?

'Ten years? Forever?

'How much longer do you want your miserable life to last?

'You want ten more years?

'What is ten years?

'A grain of sand in the immeasurable desert of time.

'There you are, you see.

'Ten years have almost gone by already.

'Just a few more days, and they'll be over.

'Do you want these few remaining days?

'Very well, I'll give them to you.

'But you must use them for my purposes.

'You must find a house, a woman, that woman.

'You must find the child she is carrying in her womb.

'You must find me.

'If you succeed in bringing the child to birth,

'if you succeed in ripping it out of that woman,

'maybe I'll let you live for a few more years.

'Maybe.

'But for now, don't forget, you have only a few days

'in which to succeed or fail.

'I shall be watching the clock,

'and look, the hands are already beginning to move.'

Stop. Stop!

No, no, no, it's too dead.

It's got about as much balls as a castrated jellyfish.

And Charlie, you're coming in all wrong.

It's too weak, and you have a quarter note rest in there.

Use it, will ya?

Da, da, da, da, da, rest.

Da, da, da, da, da, da.

Got it?

- All right, let's try it again. - OK.

From the top.

Stop. Stop.

What's the matter with you guys?

Sounds like a jerk-off session in the bathroom.

If you could play your instruments as well as you play with your tools,

you might sound a bit better.

Yeah, baby. But I never had to play a 36-bass solo on my tool.

Hi, Jessica. Hi, monsters.

What do you say we...?

- (Groans) - (Gail) Get the big shot athlete.

Nice try, Tarzan.

Well, did Mr. Barrett have a good day?

Not bad, we cut a good disc,

and my secretary's convinced she's gonna lose her virginity.

Oh, fantastic!

Now perhaps she'll be a little less hysterical

- when she answers the phone. - I doubt it.

What's more important is I think we've got a big hit coming up.

It's a fabulous number. It's called "Bargain With the Devil".

Did you remember to buy food for my fish?

I sometimes wonder if you really care about anything

except your blessed aquarium.

You shouldn't be jealous of my hobby. It's pretty harmless.

After all, I'm an artist.

I could be screwing every girl in San Francisco.

You're not going to tell me that you consider yourself so irresistible.

If I'd ever thought a thing like that, I certainly wouldn't have married you.

- I could have done a lot better. - (Jessica) Hmm, thanks very much.

Holy shit, Ken, did you get a load of that crap?

When they carry on like that, I swear to God, kiddo,

it makes you wanna puke.

I'll tell you something, man:

there are times when bringing up parents is a real pain.

When Dad starts trying to get all sexy and with it, that's a real bad scene.

Hey, remember that crazy nickname you gave him, what was it?

Asshole.

Wheel

Jessica, has it ever occurred to you

that our kids might need to see a shrink?

Why, because Ken occasionally comes out with words like that?

He picks them up from Gail, who gets them from that ridiculous book.

Why does she always carry a dozen copies around with her?

- Does that seem normal to you? - (Jessica) When I was her age,

I had 15 identical dolls, and I was very normal.

And Ken, sucking at cans of pea soup all day long?

All kids are greedy about something.

Goddamn it, I forgot my book.

- (Horn honks) - Hey, you son-of-a-bitch.

Barbara's coming to Ken's party, too, you know.

She promised to help us out.

Well, thank God for that, we'll need her.

With all those kids coming, we could use the Marines, too.

Hey, Jessica, what's next?

Three spoonfuls of sugar, now don't overdo it.

I guess you're right.

There'll be Pat and Ruth and Randolph.

Thanks, but spare me the complete list.

It's bad enough to think of them all crawling around my feet this evening.

It's all right for you. You grumble, but basically you rather enjoy

this invasion of Martians.

I do my best to be a good parent, which is more, my darling...

A pinch of arsenic.

I really can't imagine how we'd manage without you.

A poisoned banana.

From the moment you set foot in the apartment,

- you haven't done a damn thing. - (Robert) Not true. Not true.

On the contrary I've been extremely busy.

A spoonful of warm spit.

- (Robert) You don't believe me, huh? - (Gail) And grated bats feet.

At the moment, for example, I'm deeply engrossed

in the incredible existences of fish, including their methods of reproduction.

Fish, you know, have remarkable qualities.

They're silent, clean,

take up very little space,

and... invariably get along very well together.

- (Gail) You clumsy ape. - Just like you kids.

Ken knocked it over, now there's nothing to bake in.

They get on very well together.

Ah, bullshit.

Ken, pick it up, will you?

Go stuff yourself, Gail.

Pick it up or I'll stuff you in the oven instead of the cake.

Well, I've nearly finished.

Next time it's your turn.

You can do the decorating for Gail's party.

I think by then the ladder will be off-limits for me anyway.

What do you mean?

Well, I was planning to make an announcement tonight,

but... I might as well tell you now.