Fresh Off the Boat

Heads up, Emery.

Throw it high so I have to jump.

Oh, pits are looking a little yellow, buddy.

May be time to bleach 'em.

This is why I can't wear Eddie's hand-me-downs.

Between the stains and the holes and the smells?

I need to update my wardrobe.

As someone who's wearing Eddie's old pants right now...

no way Mom's going to pay for that.

Hey, I'm happy to put another son

on the payroll at Cattleman's.

I think the food industry's more Eddie's thing.

Oh.

Your brother's all done.

Time for you to get all warm and toasty.

Yeah, you need to find your own thing.

Oh, you're on the job hunt?

I remember being in the hustle.

But now I'm chilling.

I got a job, a lady,

and killer spring break plans on South Padre Island.

Still can't believe you got Mom and Dad to let you do that.

Honestly, I can't, either.

But we shook on it, so the ship has sailed.

Lawd, the chores I did to convince you guys.

I vacuumed, I mopped, I even made a bed.

It wasn't that hard, but I'll never do it again.

Oh, God.

Don't take a picture of me in Eddie's jeans.

No.

It's for Eddie.

SAT results arrive this week.

- Already? - Yes.

And I'm going to camera capture your face

when you see your score.

It'll either be a look of joy

or a portrait of failure

they'll put on the back of a milk carton

when I make you go missing.

They only do that for the blonde kids.

Ow! You missed.

Did I?

Guys, I'm gonna need you

to take it from an eight to a two.

The answer is six.

- Good job, Eddie. - Thanks.

The Florida State Spelling Bee is around the corner.

This is my last chance to complete

the Academic Iron Man.

When you add the word "academic" to a sporting event,

it hurts me deep down in my soul.

I won the math and science fairs,

but spelling is the final leg.

I need your help.

It's the only subject I've gotten a regular A in.

My help? The only spelling I know is Tori Spelling.

She can't whistle and loves avocados.

Do you remember Simryn Patel?

You went to middle school with her?

She won the bee three years in a row.

That's a spelling-bee turkey.

Yeah. I remember her.

Always dancing, kept a clean locker.

We were lab partners, and one of us burned down

the eye-wash station.

Well, for us spell-nuts, she's the Q-U-E-E-N.

Queen. Two for two.

I need you to introduce me to her

so I can get some tips.

No can do. I got big problems of my own right now.

My SAT scores are coming in the mail this week,

and I'm worried about Mom.

Remember what happened when I got my PSAT scores?

One minute in the corner for every point under 1600.

Mom, come on.

It's the 250th episode of "The Simpsons."

What if it's their last year?

This is way worse.

I blacked out from nerves for the first half of the test,

and I'm pretty sure I bombed.

Mom's gonna cancel South Padre.

I learned to say "y'all" for nothing.

Well, if you put in the work

like I am for the spelling bee,

you wouldn't be so worried now.

He really got the worst of Mom and Dad.

I'm a dead man.

This is worse than when Grandma ruined Mom's credit score

by buying all those Madonna bras.

Mom got so mad, her nose bled.

From both sides.

How did Grandma come back from that?

She got on Mom's good side

by helping Evan get an A in P.E.

That's it.

I bomb the SATs, but I bail out the golden child.

Mom forgives me, and I save South Padre.

That's a pretty good plan.

You go through the pain to sun your buns,

- Aah! - You find a job?

Not yet. I was helping Eddie.

Damn it, I said the wrong brother.

Ice cream is for closers.

You want some, go get a job.

I feel like that's the wrong strategy

to motivate Emery.

Just my two cents.

Cheap advice is bad advice.

He's gotten lazy and needs consequences.

Simple.

No, I'm just saying, if we push too hard,

he'll rush and make a bad choice.

It's Emery. He needs a... gentle touch.

Gentle? He's a teenager, not a butterfly wing.

Well, he's been weighing some jobs at the mall

and needs a little time to decide on the right one.

It's a job at the mall.

What is there to decide?

No matter what job he chooses,

- he's using the bathroom at Nordstrom. - Trust me.

I know Emery.

Give him some space, and he'll pick one before we know it.

Last time I trusted you, we ended up at a tapas restaurant.

"Shared plates"?

No thank you.

Speaking of plates, when is dinner?

There's my little academic athlete.

You're kicking that dictionary's ass

like an Asian Chuck Norris.

Why didn't you just go with Bruce Lee?

He's already Asian.

Look, I felt bad about earlier,

and of course I'll intro you to Simryn.

Really? Face time with the legend?

Simryn's my girl. The Simster. Sim Dog.

Simmy Simmy Ko Ko Bop.

Wait a sec. What's in it for you?

Other than the satisfaction of helping out my brother?

Okay, fine.

SAT scores are gonna come in,

and Mom's gonna kick me to the streets.

And eventually, I'm gonna need a guest house to crash at,

and you're the best bet to have one.

Hmm. That surprisingly tracks.

Okay. Thanks, Eddie.

In South Padre, a guest house would be a casita.

I'll grab my driving sandals...

And your foot spray.

...and you go tell Mom that your loving older brother

is helping you achieve academic greatness,

and we're on our way.

Effulgent!

That means brilliant. It's from the Latin...

Not now.

I'll save it for the car.

- Ice cream? - Uhp, hands off.

I got Emery looking for jobs

without threatening consequences,

so I earned this double choco mint.

It's just mint. Eddie already got in there.

He got all the choco? How?

He used your mother's tweezers.

Oh.

Hey, there, Pretty Woman, back from the mall?

Someone must have gotten his first paycheck.

No. I emptied out my Christmas gift cards.

What about finding a new job?

You wanted me to find my own thing, and I didn't.

The search continues.

Oh, look, Louis.

He's unemployed and happy.

Emery, you ding-dong.

Time for consequences.

Hey! My new clothes!

You want your party dresses back?

Get a job. By tomorrow.

He's like a horse,

and I'm the tiny person riding him to success.

- Trent, my SAT scores show up yet? - Negative.

That means no.

But I got eyes on the box.

- That means mailbox. - Good.

I need you to buy time

until I help Evan win the spelling bee.

You sure my mom can't see you?

Oh, don't worry. It's impossible.

Oh, I gotta go.

I'm using Trish's cell, and her boyfriend's calling.

Hello, Muscles.

No, I've been thinking about you all day.

Oh, stop it.

Simryn lives here?

Eddie Huang from piccolo class?

Simryn! 'Sup, girl? It's been forever.

You're like two feet taller.

I've been eating.

It's so cool you live in this motel.

Do they come in and make your beds?

No, my family owns it.