It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Archer. An all new season.

Thursday, March 31 on FX.

FXX presents It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

All right, so there we were. We're in the brig

and the whole ship just, you know, bumps.

We get thrown against the wall.

Yeah. You know, the-the lights are going off.

The sirens are blaring. Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

How did we get in the brig in the first place?

What do you mean, Frank? You were there.

I'm very cloudy about the beginning.

I think I need a recap.

Recap? A recap would be good, you know?

Just to kind of brush up on everything that happened.

A recap... Now, see, I forgot that.

Honestly might be good because, you know,

we want him to be completely clear

before the final judgment.

All right, you know, Right, yeah.

The amount of energy we're using talking

about whether or not we should recap,

we may as well just recap, so fine, fine.

So there we were. We're on a Christian cruise.

Yeah, we were all thrown in the brig

for various sins that we committed.

Me, admittedly, for a little bit of lust.

Um, and in summation, we're all good people,

asking for forgiveness,

My thing, not a rape.

Move on; You're losing him.

Move on; You're losing him. I just want to be clear.

Okay, yeah, yeah. I just wanted to be clear.

What the hell is that?

What're those sirens for?

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

See, I knew I shouldn't have come on this cruise.

I knew it! I mean, it used to be I would never even leave Philly!

And then, you know, you guys drag me into this,

you drag me into that, and next thing I know,

I-I'm stuck in a box on a sinking ship!

Hold on, the boat's not sinking. How do you know that?

How do you know it's not...?

Well... Oh.

There you go. It stopped.

All right, uh, I guess that's good.

I mean, like... like, if something went wrong,

they-they'd come down here, they'd get us, right?

You know what, guys, what difference does it make?

You know?

Life is just a series of events

with no meaning or plan, you know?

It's like, we live, we die,

we're gay, we're straight, we're tops, we're bottoms.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Calm down, everybody.

We're gonna be in the Bahamas in an hour.

Well, you sure? Like, I... I don't think we're moving.

We're moving. I can hear the engine buzzing like crazy.

No, I think Charlie's right.

I-I don't think that we're moving, and-and besides,

the buzzing would be, like, an electrical system.

You know? The engine sounds more like...

Yeah, maybe on a speedboat. This is a big cruise ship.

It's got like a big, deep sound; It's like a...

Yeah, if you're starting the engine, but, like,

we would be hearing a steady...

Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah...

No, you guys are all wrong.

No, boats are mostly computerized these days,

so the engine barely makes any noise at all.

I mean, they-they make a fake noise

to-to make people feel better, but it's like... (deep humming)

But it's fake, it's not... it's not real, you know?

It's kind of like how I carry a little piece of onion

around with me to elicit tears, you know,

in case someone needs me to feel something

about what they said or are doing, you know what I mean?

Do you have an onion in your pocket right now? No.

No, I'm taking a vacation from myself.

W-Was it a vacation from hearing, okay?

'Cause if the engine was going, we would hear a gah, gah, gah,

gah, gah, gah, gah... Are you deaf, Charlie?

I was like...

(all doing different engine imitations)

All right, okay, all right! I mean, that's ridiculous!

All right, all right, all right!

Goddamn! Okay, look.

Let's just, let's all agree

that it doesn't sound like a speedboat

or something that's off-roading, all right?

It does make a little bit of a buzz.

Yeah?

But most modern ships these days, their engines,

they don't make a lot of noise,

but they do make a little bit of noise.

Can we all just agree on this?

Yeah. DEE: Fine. Fine, I can live with that.

Fine, I can live with it. Fine.

Okay, all right. (groans)

How long have we been talking about this?

Four hours, six minutes.

Well, there's some pros and some cons, guys.

Pro: We've cut our conflict resolution time in half.

Four hours, that's good for us.

That's-that's huge, that's huge. Good work.

Con: Charlie's right, the ship is probably not moving

because we definitely would've been in the Bahamas by now.

What?

Yep. Oh.

Well, that's not good, right? I mean...

No. It's not good.

I mean, f-four hours?

Well... The-the boat not moving!

No one comes down to say anything like,

"Hey, guys, there's something wrong with the ship!"

No, they've forgotten about us!

And we're gonna die in here! Oh, my God, I'm freaking out.

We got to get out of here. Help! Whoa, whoa, Charlie, Charlie.

Calm down, Charlie. Help!

Help us! Charlie!

You got to help! Hey! Hey!

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Mm, yep, yep, yep. Mm.

Wow. Yeah?

Yep. Oi, oi, oi.

What-what was that, dude?

You sound like a soccer hooligan.

Uh, yeah, that's just something I've been doing

with Charlie lately when he gets a little wound up.

You know, it seems to work.

Say yup, yup, yup. Oh, that's good.

The most important thing for us to do now

is to keep our wits together.

We got to occupy ourselves. Mm-hmm.

Why don't we play a few games?

No, no! I just wanted to get away from you guys,

just for a few days.

Now we're stuck in a box,

and you're gonna play some games now?

You know what? I'm out.

What?

What the hell do you mean you're out?

I'm out. Nobody talk to me. No, Dee.

That's not a very good idea.

You know, when my dad was in solitary confinement,

I used to write to him every day to see how it was.

He never wrote back, but if he did, he would've said,

"Son, you've got to keep your mind active.

Also, I love you."

Uh, are you sure he wouldn't say,

"Remind me who you are again"?

Ho! (laughing)

That was great! That was Luther!

My-my-my dad knows who I am. Yeah-yeah.

Hey-hey, do the voice again, but this time say,

"I love you, son." Nah.

Oh. But, no, that's

a good distraction, like, um, you know,

like any kind of impressions you got, like any kind of...

You want to hear me do a couple of impressions?

That'd be fun. Yeah, okay, so let's see.

All right, so let me know which ones you want to hear.

I'm sorry, Dee, I thought you were sitting out.

Well, I was out, but then these guys wanted to hear

some impressions, and since I'm always wanting to be of service,

here I am, uh... They don't want to hear your impressions.

They want to hear my impressions. No.

Your impressions are terrible.

Are you out of your mind? No.

My impressions are fantastic.

Give me somebody. Anybody.

Do Obama.

Obama? Well, I can't do that.

Why not? Yeah. DENNIS: Why can't you do Obama?

'Cause he's a black man and I'm a white woman.

Can you give me a white woman?

You think I can't do a black woman?

: I mean...

No.

I... okay, give me, name one.

C.C.H. Pounder.

Who's that? C.C.H. Poun...

Yeah. The actress from The Shield.

Love that show. Okay, yeah.

No, I can do that. Yeah.

Let's see.

: Goddamn it, Dutch!

What other errands do you have us running for the D.A.?

Wow! FRANK: Holy shit!

That was great!

That was spot-on!

Thanks, man. "Spot-on"?

You don't even know who she is, Frank.

I just assumed she's a no-nonsense

black broad from the precinct.

That's exactly who she is. That's exactly who she is.

Fine, fine, fine. I'll do Obama, okay?

Okay.

Okay, what do you got?

Hey, yo, what up, son?