Roseanne - Tenth Season

Margarita on the house for the old married couple!

Happy anniversary.

I thank you.

There. Excuse me.

This is our 45th anniversary, and, uh, I get to talk.

She's finally coming out of her shell. Quiet, everybody.

Shh.

Now, we're not gonna sit here

and tell you guys how great we are.

You're gonna do it!

I want somebody to make a toast.

I'll do it.

Oh, pipe down, everyone. Forrest Gump's talking.

I just wanna say how amazing it is

to see a marriage that lasts 45 years.

And, Mom and Dad, you set a great example for all of us,

and it's a pretty high bar.

I mean, Darlene couldn't get over it,

and Becky's stuck under it,

and my marriage is... It's not really a picnic.

I mean, my w...

Thank you!

Anyway, Mom and Dad, happy 45th.

Oh, Becky, since you're our waitress for this evening,

do you guys have any special anniversary song here?

Nice try. We only do birthdays.

- What a coincidence. - Don't do it.

It's my birthday today!

Yay!

Hey, everybody! It's Darlene's birthday!

She's 60!

Ay-yi-yi-yi- yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Thank you!

Ah.

So, are you guys doing anything special for your anniversary?

You got to do something.

45 years... I mean, people get less than that for murder.

Oh, got it!

Wait, do you guys get points on your credit card?

We get threats. Is that the same thing?

No, you get points for every dollar that you spend.

It's like a reward.

You can use 'em for, like, travel or to buy things.

Yeah, you can stay - at some nice hotel in the city

for your anniversary.

Put in your password, Dad.

Let's see how many points we have.

Well, this is the credit card we used

to pay off - all the other credit cards,

so we probably got a bunch.

We got enough for one night

at the Radford Suites,

with points left over for...

H-Hold me, Mama, 'cause I'm fit to bust...

A Honey Baked ham!

Did I mention the hotel has a pool?

Like if you had a ham and a room,

you'd ever come out of there to swim.

All right. I'm booking it.

And, as my anniversary present to you guys,

I'll babysit the kids.

It's not babysitting when they're yours!

"Roseanne" is recorded live in front of a studio audience.

Right, we'll be there at 3:00.

And it's our anniversary,

so I really want this to be special.

I want to reserve the biggest, nicest one you got.

Just like we had on our wedding night.

Is that the hotel?

No, it's the ham people.

Oh.

We're picking one up on the way.

Thank you. Thank...

You have a Honey Baked day, too.

Hey, we got a problem.

Two, if you don't think leftover Chinese food

belongs in an omelette.

My knee is killing me,

and a bunch of my pain pills are missing.

- - This thing was, like, half full.

How many did you take?

Just a couple for my back.

Are you sure you didn't take more than you thought?

If I was taking handsful of these pills,

I'd be in a way better mood.

Have you noticed me in a way better mood, Dan?

The only thing I've noticed

is that I love you more every day.

Sir.

Well, somebody must have taken 'em,

so we have to find out who it was.

We have a serious opioid problem in this country.

Let's examine who else had access

to the narcotics!

Everybody in this house.

You know, back in the day, I busted up a hashish ring

in the... in the Model U.N.

down at the junior high.

It was Luxembourg.

It's always Luxembourg.

Darlene!

Good morning.

What brings you to the kitchen?

I was following a rainbow.

Uh, I just came down for coffee.

Mm. Interesting. Because you're groggy?

Unable to deal with the real world?

Oh, my God. Are you selling vitamins again?

Some of your mom's pain pills are missing.

Oh, well, I don't take pills of any kind.

I don't like to feel out of control,

or I can't manage my multinational empire.

How come there's sweet-and-sour shrimp in the eggs?

You know, I don't think I've noticed before...

Are you wearing eyelash extensions?

I literally can't even afford ChapStick.

Oh.

Because your natural lashes are fantastic.

Open up your eyes real wide.

Hmm. No slurred speech or pinpoint pupils.

Mom, what is this?

She's clean!

We're never gonna find out anything like this, Rose.

There's been a ton of people through this house.

Let's just hide the pills in a safer place.

Well, that doesn't solve my problem.

I can't get a damn refill for two more weeks,

and my knee is holding a gun to my head.

Well, I could go to my doctor

and tell him my back's flared up again.

That's so sweet.

Tonight I'm gonna give your back a reason to flare up.

Zut alors!

Hey, Crystal.

Hey!

Hey, everybody.

Guess what today is.

A fundraiser for your dignity?

No, no, no. You're such a stitch.

It's my last day before I retire!

All right!

It's about time.

You've been working that saloon since when, 1865?

Give her a break, Roseanne.

There's a cattle drive a-comin' through town,

and Miss Kitty wants her to be real friendly-like

to all the cowpokes.

Laugh all you want, but I'm about to start living

the best years of my life.

I'm retiring from the casino with full benefits!

- Full benefits? - That's amazing, Crystal.

No one has that nowadays.

I brought you champagne for tonight.

Hey, Crystal.

Uh, I didn't know exactly when the women's movement would end,

but now seems like a pretty good time to call it.

Hey, Darlene, you still looking for work?

'Cause if I recommend you for my job, you're as good as in.

Aw, that's really sweet, Crystal.

Did I mention the benefits package includes mental health?

I just found out I hate my mother.

Which is really weird because I love my mother.

Wait, you have full benefits?

If you don't want it, Darlene, I'll take it.

Um, you know what?

I-I appreciate the offer, but it's not really my thing,

so go for it, Beck.

If you don't feel like you're betraying your Mexican heritage.

Are you sure you want to turn that job down?

For full dental and medical, I'd wear that dress.

Oh, well, you got to that pretty quick.

Anything you want to tell me, Dad?

I gotta be honest, Darlene,

I don't know how you can pass on a job with full benefits.

Uh, I have some pretty good reasons.

Shall we start with the riverboat-whore vibe?

Hey, you know who wasn't too good to wear that dress?

One Mr. Bugs Bunny.

Dad, I still want to be a writer.

I mean, I've gone from novels to textbooks to menus.

If I take this waitress job, I'm just giving up completely.

What are you gonna do if your kids get sick, write about it?

Well, we managed so far.

You've been lucky. One emergency can wipe you out.

You know what I'd give right now to have full coverage

for your mother's knee?

Sometimes you just gotta suck it up

and put your family first.

Okay. You made your point.

Good.

I know a little bit about how this world works.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got to go jam a sleep-apnea mask

and a seven-pound ham into an overnight bag.

Good evening.

Checking in.

Points?