Man Seeking Woman

Honey.

Hmm?

Honey, honey, honey.

McQuaid.

Yeah. Put him on.

Not tonight.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

He's what?

Sweet mother of God.

His name is Josh Greenberg.

Last week, he tried to kiss a girl he works with named Rosa.

She turned him down. Now he wants to text her.

What does the text say?

"You up? Wanna hang?"

I know. His finger's on the button.

- Christ. Is he drunk?

They always are.

Your show, McQuaid.

Josh!

My name is Lieutenant McQuaid. I just want to talk.

- Well, I'm all done talking, man!

- I know you're in a bad spot. But use your head.

It's 2:00 a.m. on a Saturday.

How do you think this is gonna play out?

Rosa's gonna read that text as a booty call

and think you're creepy.

- Hey! Don't come any closer!

I'll send it. I swear to God I'll send it.

- Okay, okay, okay! You're in control, brother.

You're in control.

Snipers in position.

We got a clear shot.

No.

Hold your fire.

Let me try something.

I put down mine. You want to put down yours?

No way, man!

- That's... that's fine. That's okay.

I'm just gonna come a little bit closer so we can talk.

I think you and me might have got off on the wrong foot.

How 'bout we start over, huh?

You went to North Evanston High, right?

Yeah.

- I've got a couple buddies from there.

Go, Wolverines!

Yeah, go, Wolverines.

- Good! Now we're talking. This is good.

You like sports, Josh?

What?

I like sports.

Football, basketball.

I played some back in college. I even thought about going pro.

But my problem was, I was just never...

fast enough!

No!

No!

- Yeah. -

- I guess I probably shouldn't have sent that text, huh?

Ah!

Rosa the Riveter!

Top of the morning to you!

Did you happen to receive the group text

I sent over the weekend or...

- Oh. Um.

So "You up? Wanna hang?" was a group text?

- Yeah, yeah, no, I was merely asking

the group I was texting if they were up

for attending a hockey game this weekend.

- Oh, you see, I thought I was the only recipient...

Who else is in the group?

Uh, Mike, my friend Mike.

- Oh! Your friend Mike.

You know Mike?

- Well, yeah, I met him at the food truck, remember?

- Oh. Yeah. - Yeah.

So Mike's going to the hockey game?

Y-yeah.

Okay, I mean, I enjoy hockey.

Oh, good.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

- That sounds fun. Thanks for organizing this!

- Jesus, all right. - So sweet.

Cool, thanks.

- Dude, I'm psyched Rosa's coming.

- Yeah, this is, uh... This-this-this will be good.

Hey, you guys!

- Both: Hey! - Hi.

- Hey, Rosa, nice to see you again.

- It's nice to see you too. What's up, Josh?

Hey, hey.

- Uh-oh! Check it out!

No way!

- Yeah, what are the odds, right?

- I mean, everyone walking in is wearing that jersey, so...

Josh, take our picture!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got to get this on the 'Gram.

Yay. - Awesome!

Here you go.

- Damn, we look hot. Mm. - Oh, my God.

- Sexy. Oh, yeah, send that one to me.

- Okay. Oh, yeah, what's your number?

Oh, it's, um, 847...

555... - Mm-hmm?

0169.

- They said you could pick whatever number you want

at the store.

I love that!

- What have you been up to, dude?

- Oh, this and that, staying busy.

Oh, he's got them. - Yeah, I got them.

- He's got the tickets. - All right!

Rosa, hey!

I call middle seat!

Rosa! Rosa!

I call middle seat!

- Oh, pardon me, sir. - Jesus.

- Yeah! - Sorry. Okay.

I'm trying to... - All right.

Yeah, I know, just...

Sorry. I know. I'm sorry.

- This might sound stupid, but every time I watch hockey,

I think of Casey Jones.

- From the Ninja Turtles? - Yeah!

Me too, dude!

I totally had a nine-year-old boner for April O'Neil.

- I had an eight-year-old boner for Raphael,

because he's cool but rude!

Pizza!

What?

- Pi... the Ninja Turtles love pizza, remember?

They ate pizza.

- Oh, yeah, right, right, totally.

- They ate pizza. - Totally. Totally.

- Now it's time for the Kiss Cam!

Whoo!

Oh, my gosh! Oh!

Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Oh, my gosh!

I guess we have to. - Yeah.

- You don't have to. You don't have to.

Both: Mwah.

Crazy.

Hey! You guys remember Thundercats?

That was another cartoon that existed.

- Now it's time for the Kiss Cam!

- Uh-uh. - What? Again?

Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, for sake, what?

I guess we have to.

- - No.

- Wow. Ooh, nice lips too.

- Thanks! - Hey, will you move?

- I'm sorry? - Can I... can I sit here?

I'm having... uh... I need... Can't see the, uh...

Can I... can I switch seat... Yeah?

- Oh, all right. - Thank you. Thank you.

- Sorry. - No, you're welcome.

- Hey. - All right.

Okay!

Good game. - Yeah.

- Once again, it's time for the Kiss Cam!

Again?

It's like... it's like, my God, man, like, mix it up.

Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

I'm sick of this bit.

How did they do that?

It's a conspiracy!

- Well, I guess we have to! - You don't!

Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Mm. Mm.

Whoo!

Whoo.

I think... I don't feel so good.

I think I'm gonna split.

- Oh, no. - What, really?

- Yeah, I got to... got to... Uh, yep.

I think you guys should just stay put.

- What are you talking about? - Stay put.

No, I'm not, uh... Yeah, you guys do your thing.

- All right. - No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

- What are you doing? - I guess I'll sit here again.

- Now it's time for the Lonely Cam!

- Are you f... Really, man? What is that?

- I think you're supposed to masturbate and cry.

I'm supposed to what?

Crowd: Masturbate and cry! Masturbate and cry!

Guess you have to.