The Men Who Stare at Goats

- Boone? - Yes, General?

I'm going into the next office.

Yes, sir.

Damn it!

My name is Bob Wilton. I'm a journalist.

Part of my job is finding where the story begins.

If you were looking at my story, you might think it began

when I got a job at the Ann Arbor Daily Telegram.

Or you might think it began...

when I married my college sweetheart Debora.

But you'd be wrong.

Because the real story of my life began a few years back,

when my editor sent me to interview a local guy,

he'd heard on the talk radio show.

The guy claimed to have some kind of psychic powers.

That he could travel with just his mind anywhere he wanted.

He called it "Remote Viewing".

The man's name was Gus Lacey.

What have you seen lately?

Lately, I've been watching the Loch Ness Monster in Scotland.

Thanks, Mom. And it turns...

I got it. I got it. Mom, I got it.

Thank you.

It turns out...

It's the ghost of a dinosaur.

Okay. Wow.

So, when did this all start for you, Gus?

It started when I was a kid.

Gus told me that back in the eighties,

he was part of a top-secret unit that got their training in the army.

In a program sanctioned by the highest levels of government.

When I asked him what's the purpose of this unit was, he said:

We were Psychic Spies, mainly. That was our initial tasking.

Once they realized what they were sitting on...

We were trained to kill animals.

- What? With... - With our minds. That is correct.

Just by staring at them.

What kind of animals?

One of our unit's stopped the heart of a goat.

Power... they unleashed in us.

Last week I killed my hamster.

You wanna see?

There! Look!

You ever seen a hamster do that before?

- I've never owned a hamster, Gus, so... - Just look! Look!

See the way it's glaring at its wheel.

Yeah, I guess our hamster-owning readers will know what's...

aberrant behavior and what... what's...

- Oh, shit! Shit! He's down! - Yeah, he's down.

At this point I'd been staring at him for about three hours.

Bizarre, right?

What is that?

It didn't die. You said, you killed it?

Yeah, well...

Mom said no.

She said: "Don't show the hamster dying"

"Show the tape where the hamster acts bizarre instead."

You should have seen the Skipper at work.

- Who's the Skipper? - Lyn Cassady.

For me, after Bill he was the most gifted psych I've ever met.

He was like an occultic force.

I think he runs a dance studio now.

The little man inside me dismissed Lacey as a nut.

You know, the little man.

He's the one who says: "Keep your head down."

"Stay in your little town, your little job."

"You're a lucky guy, your wife loves you."

"You have everything you want."

"You're not looking for some great adventure."

"But then, one day...

when you least expect it,

"The great adventure finds you!"

Ron's sudden death was the catalyst for everything.

Deborah told me later that it had been like a wake-up call for her.

What people used to call: "The memento mori".

Ron's massive coronary had reminded her that

life was just too short to waste any chance of true happiness.

And his death that helped her to put everything in perspective.

A week after the funeral...

she left me for my editor.

It seemed like such a tragedy at the time.

We couldn't see beyond our little lives...

to the great events of history unfolding out there in the world.

I was like a child or a Hobbit, safe in the Shire.

Or a blond farm boy in a distant, desert planet,

unaware that he was already taking the first steps on the path...

that would lead him relentlessly towards the heart of a conflict...

between the forces of Good and Evil.

Americans are a resolute people,

who have risen to every test of our time.

Adversity has revealed the character of our country,

to the world.

Had I known where that path would lead,

had a soft wind from my future brought me the name of Bill Django,

I might never have gone.

But as it was,

I did what so many men have done throughout history

when a woman has broken their heart...

I went to war.

- So, have you seen any combat? - Yeah, no it's...

Well, I won't lie to you Debora, it's been pretty damn hairy.

Yeah. We've been watching it on Fox.

Yeah, it's not...

I've seen things that you shouldn't, you know...

Well, I don't even know why you're there.

Well, I think it's important, people get an accurate picture of what's

- What? - Ready to go?

- what's happening, so... - Yeah.

- So, what is that... is that Dave? - Yeah.

He says "Hi."

Oh, that's, huh...

Is he gonna get his stuff out of here?

That's...

I... I gotta go.

We're moving out, riding up north to cover the fighting there

Wait, Bob, I'm just...

So, what's a useful phrase?

La tutlek. Ana sahaffi.

- La tutlek. Ana sahaffi. - Right.

- What's that mean? - Don't shoot. I'm a reporter.

Okay, that I'll mind.

La tutlek. Ana sahaffi.

I've been waiting for months for permission to cross the border into Iraq.

All that time, I'd seen the embedded war correspondents

coming back, swapping stories.

They all ignored me.

I had to get into Iraq somehow.

Or I would never again be able to face myself.

My wife, or that one-armed fuckhead Dave.

DeWitt Resources, out of Arkansas.

That's right. We make trash cans.

You're here for the conference, right? Looking for a contract?

- I guess. - What's your pitch?

Well... we're real cheap.

- Bob Wilton. - Skip.

- Do you mind if I...? - No.

- So you're from Arkansas? - No.

- Been here long? - No.

Be careful what you wish for.

I wanted to prove myself.

And for my sins...

Faith taught me a lesson.

Lyn Cassady?

Lyn Cassady.

For me, after Bill he was the most gifted psych I've ever met.

Do you know a Gus Lacey?

Skip?

Hello?

Lyn? I've your hat.

Skip?

- You work for Hooper? - Hooper? No.

I work for the Ann Arbor Daily Telegram.

How do you know about Lacey?

I interviewed him a few months ago for my paper.

Prick.

Follow me.

Let me ask you something.

What color were the chairs in the hotel bar?

You were in there for hours. What color were the chairs?

- Green. - Beige.

How many lights are there in this room?

A Super Soldier wouldn't have to look. He would just know.

- A Super Soldier? - A Jedi Warrior.

He would know where all the lights were.

He could walk through a room and he could tell you...

how many power outlets there were.

People are walking around with their eyes closed.

At Level One, we were trained to instantly absorb all details.

- What's, what's a Jedi Warrior? - You're looking at one.

- You're a Jedi Warrior? - That's correct.

I don't...

I don't know what that means.

I'm Sergeant First Class Lyn Cassady, Special Forces, retired.

In the eighties, I was trained at Fort Bragg

under a secret initiative codenamed "Project Jedi."

The objective of the project was to create Super Soldiers.

Soldiers with super powers.

We were the first generation of the New Earth Army.

- You’ve got super powers? - That's correct.

Wait a minute.

What you saying is that you...

were a Psychic Spy, like Lacey?

We prefer the term "Remote Viewer."

- How does that work? - Well, every Jedi had different techniques.

Mel Landau used to visualize packing all his troubles into a little suitcase,

to clear his mind.

Steve Cuttle recite Bible verse which was...

What about you?

I find... I find drinking helps. And...

And if I'm listening to classic rock...

- Oh, yeah? Like who? - I like Boston. Boston usually works.

What other powers did you practice?

Invisibility.

- Invisibility? - Yeah. That was Level Three.

- Like... actual invisibility? - Well, yeah, that was the goal.

Eventually, we adapted it to just finding a way of not being seen.

But once you understand,

the linkage between observation and reality,

then you begin to dance with invisibility.

Like camouflage?