American Housewife

This is Taylor's last performance

before she graduates, and we're gonna be

so far in the back that I can't document it.

Swayze had his shirt off. What was I supposed to do?

See? The doors are closed! We're late!

Taylor goes on at 6:15. It's 6:13.

I gave us a two-minute buffer

because you pee so often these days.

Where are you going?

To our seats.

Sorry. We're late. It's her fault.

Whenever "Point Break" is on, she just has to finish it.

Katie, what are you doing?

These are reserved for the senator.

There's no senator. I snuck in here

and taped them off when I picked up Anna-Kat.

- But everyone else waited in line. - Are you kidding?

These spoiled ding-a-lings had their nannies do it for them.

You can't just break the rules like this.

Sure, you can. See? We're doing it.

You just have to become immune

to people staring daggers at you.

This is how you handle it.

Hey, girl!

I'm not a big classical music fan, but that seemed fine.

- Okay, our next performer is... -

Very funny. That was not me.

- I have exquisite control. -

- -

YOUNG MAN OVER P.A. SYSTEM: Seniors rule!

Westport Unified has a tradition of senior pranks,

but this time, you've gone too far, mister.

You fart me? Well, I fart you!

From now on, there will be no more senior pranks

for the rest of the year, or face the consequences!

- -

I can't believe Principal Ablin called off senior prank.

I know, and the one I did my last senior year

was so much fun.

You guys should just do one anyway.

Taylor, don't listen to your mother. She's a bad influence.

My favorite memories all involve breaking the rules.

Like in high school, my friend Missy Andrews

stole a key to the concession stand,

and we would skip class, sneak in,

and grill hamburgers.

That's truancy, breaking and entering, stealing...

No! It was the best.

It's also where I learned

that I was definitely not a lesbian.

- Hmm. - What is wrong with you?

I just want our daughter to have some fun!

Live a little. You only get one life.

Don't worry, Dad, I'm definitely not doing a senior prank.

Right. You guys are not doing a prank.

Gotcha.

Why are you winking at me?

Great. So, you're a snitch, too.

I'm worried if Taylor doesn't learn to break the rules

and color outside the lines once in a while,

she's going to miss out.

I'm a lawyer. My whole life is rules.

We have them for a reason...

to secure a safe and just society.

Hmm.

You know, when you're as rich as I am,

there are no rules.

Watch.

Yes, hi.

I would like that woman's food.

- Okay, she's having the... - N-No.

You're not understanding me.

I want her food.

Oh, I... I couldn't possibly...

Hey! I'm not done!

See? No rules.

Greg is such a rigid by-the-book guy,

and that's what I love about him.

Actually, I don't. I don't know why I just said that.

- Mm-hmm. - Continue.

Because he's such a rule-follower,

I have to go the other way to balance things out for the kids.

So it's Greg's fault

that I have to force Taylor to do a senior prank.

I'd like my breakfast back.

No.

Bring me your fruit.

No rules!

If I make this, I'll have my dad buy the Warriors.

Why'd you do that?

I don't care for Steph Curry.

Guys...

I just got invited to a party at Maggie K's house.

It's my first "party for no reason" party!

That's big!

iFelicidades!

You made it.

You've become a cool kid, huh?

My money was on shut-in or serial killer.

I'm so excited to go with Franklin.

Wait. Franklin was invited to this party?

Well, no, but he's staying with us this weekend.

His mom's cult is going to Branson, Missouri,

to take in a few shows.

It's not all arms trafficking and praying to the moon.

- You can't bring Franklin. - I have to.

He's my platonic childhood husband/partner.

But this is a cool-kid party,

and Franklin's a stone-cold weirdo.

No, he's not. He's unique.

Off-beat. Eccentric.

All words parents use when their kid is a weirdo.

Well, I can't blow off this party.

That'd be social suicide.

Can you guys help me?

- By doing what? - I don't know.

Teach Franklin to be cool so I can take him with me.

I guess we could help this kid out.

I made you cool. I could make Franklin cool.

Are you kidding? I made you cool, dude.

Dude, you never even used the word "dude"

before I met you, dude.

- Dude. - Dude.

- Dude? - Dude.

Dude.

What the hell is going on?

Thanks for taking us to get tacos, Mrs. A.

I lied.

We're not going to get tacos.

Oh, no, I've seen her do this to Luthor.

We're going to the vet!

We're going to your school to pull a senior prank!

Whoo! Class of 2019!

But we're the class of 2020.

Sorry. Old habits.

I've got Silly String, shaving cream, and clothes

to make the Minuteman look like Principal Ablin.

Let's get to work!

But aren't we gonna get in trouble?

Silly String and shaving cream wipe off.

This is harmless fun.

Taylor, trust your mother.

Whoa!

This is so much better than my prank.

I was gonna spin around real fast until I got dizzy.

- And? - That was the whole prank.

Who's that pranking?

My tummy, mostly.

Oh, geez...

Wow. That is such a good Ablin.

We've gotta send this to him.

- Oh, sweetie. - I feel so alive!

But we should really get going before we get caught.

Hang on. Here is the finishing touch.

Mm!

- All right, come on down. -

- -

Oh, my God, the statue! I broke it!

- Oh, man. - Don't worry.

I'm sure it snaps right back in.

I'm not gonna lie to you, kids. This is not good.

Okay, thank you.

That was the Historical Guild.

Apparently, last night,

some monster desecrated the school's Minuteman statue!

- Off with his head! - That's far too humane!

If these were Colonial days,

whoever did this would be dragged by horses,

thrown off a cliff, and...

Oh, you're making fun of me.

I can't take this. I'm going to confess to Dad.

Taylor, if you take responsibility for your actions,

you are so grounded.

You are the weirdest mom ever!

Look, the only way we're getting out of this mess

is if we stick together and keep our mouths shut.

I did what you said, Mrs. A.

- I "took care" of the musket. -

I took really good care of it.