Dads

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

You ready to go again, handsome?

Well, I wasn't until you called me "handsome."

Oh.

Didn't realize you had company.

Hi.

Um,

Dad, this is Sarah.

Sarah... my dad.

Nice to meet you.

Are you pregnant?

No.

Then I don't need to meet you.

You know, maybe I should get dressed.

Yeah, I was lying about being able to go again anyway.

What are you doing? I thought

you were gonna give me the apartment tonight.

Why are you always surprised

when I disappoint you?

Eli, can you call me a cab?

Sure.

What?!

A beautiful woman comes over, gives you her body,

and it doesn't even occur to you to drive her home?

I've taught you well.

Hey. Hey.

How did it go last night with your latest fling?

Oh, it's over.

She brought up horoscopes.

You're unbelievable.

She just took you on a weekend trip

to wine country for your birthday.

I know, and then, she brought up horoscopes.

You don't have a caring bone in your body.

Yes, I do.

My bone cared for her twice last night.

And a bendy third time.

You only care about your needs.

Well, of course. I'm a Sagittarius.

God, you are such a...

...pig.

Uh, did somebody just cough?

If you're sick, you have to go home.

We-we can't have disease in the office.

Warner, I'm fine.

Asians never get sick.

We fight it off with gross soups.

Okay, well, I'm serious. I-I can't deal with it.

Sorry.

Yeah, you know Warner's a crazy germaphobe.

Even the word "vomit" makes him dry heave.

Watch this. Vomit.

Don't... Vomit.

Vomit. Don't.

Warm, chunky vomit.

Oh, you can see the tomatoes in the vomit.

Okay.

Oh, you can smell the parmesan in the vomit.

August Dumpster-juice vomit!

Okay, that's it.

You gotta go.

No. I'm not sick.

Yes, you are, and you're contaminating the whole office.

I just need to lie down for a minute.

Oh, that's a great idea... you can go to my bed; I'll take you.

Aah!

I am never getting in your bed.

That's where cheerleaders go to die.

Well, I would offer you the couch,

but my dad is fused with it.

And he's more couch now than man.

Twisted and evil.

Obi-Wan.

Right.

Nice. Now get her out of here.

Okay. Okay, fine, I'll go, but...

you can't pretend to be nice to me

and hope I'll hook up with you when I get better.

What?!

How little you think of me.

You're so going to pretend to be nice to her.

Of course I am.

You're never gonna pull it off.

Really? Yeah.

Oh. Hey, how are your kids doing?

Okay. Yeah, the little one's got an ear infection,

but, uh, Alden's in charge of the class turtle.

Aw. Yeah.

You don't care about any of that, do you.

No, but you believed I did,

and in that window, I could've grabbed

your boobs. Ah-ooh!

Sorry the elevator's out, and you have to carry me.

I hope I'm not too heavy.

No, no, no, you're...

light as a... as a feather.

Where do all those noodles even go?

Well, we're almost there.

Oh, wait... I forgot my jacket.

Seriously?

I need it.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah.

I can't wait to lie down.

I'm so tired.

Oh, you're tired?

I'm just gonna put you down for just a second so I can...

Just until my eyesight returns.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, we made it. Yeah.

- Attention! - Attention!

An alarm has been activated.

Please exit the building immediately!

Attention! Attention!

An alarm has been activated.

Please exit the building immediately!

Okay.

Oh.

You didn't tell me you were bringing home Chinese.

Dad, what are you doing?

Packing. I can't be around her.

At my age, I've got one cold left in me.

Come on, you're exaggerating.

No. Magic Johnson's immune system

could beat mine, one-on-one.

Oh, my God, I have a whole list of work I have to do today.

It's okay. Edna do.

See that? It's okay. Edna do. Oh.

Thank you, Mr. Eli.

It's my dream to be a real American businesswoman!

Ooh.

Uh, why aren't you going to the office?

I on break.

Okay, first on the list.

Who is Tom?

You're fired.

Okay, who Jamie?

Too bad.

Jamie get raise.

No raise. You fired.

Check.

Warner, what are you doing?

I'm, uh,

disinfecting Veronica's desk with this UV light.

Does that even work?

Oh, yeah. These things are amazing.

It even lights up semen.

Hey, gang.

If you guys are done with these, you have to put them away.

But we're still playing.

You can't possibly be playing all of these games.

Not true.

We're like those genius homeless guys

that can play ten games of chess at once.

Well, someone has to put them away.

I don't live here.

Oh, my back!

Fine. Whatever. I'll deal with it later.

I just... I want to watch Dr. Phil.

I don't trust bald doctors.

If you're so smart, why are you bald?

Fine. Okay, what about that show Girls?

Hey, I'm trying to get erections, not lose them.

Okay, gotta get... I'm just gonna...

I'm home!

Oh, there she is!

Oh, my God, what happened?!

Oh, don't look at me!

You're supposed to be pretty!

I can't help it!

You look like what Lady Gaga probably looks like!

I know! I'll leave!

I'll just get the...

I-I... I don't know where...

Uh...

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to yell.

It's just, I've never seen you...

Ugly?

No. Stop it. You're not ugly.

I was gonna say, more like... unattractive.

Thanks.

No, it's just... I've never...

I mean, I've never seen you...

not perfect before.

It's not so bad.

Once your eyes adjust.

So I can stay?

Yeah, you can stay.

Thanks.

Oh...

Hey, guys.

You late.

Oh, sorry. I was cleaning up throw-up in my bathroom.

Welcome to Club Edna.

Now, back to work.

What?

I Veronica now.

I take off my glasses, and I tell you what to do.

Now, do something!