Teenage Bounty Hunters

Okay, you were right.

We're not talking.

I'm still extremely mad at you.

Fine. Then I'm still mad at you, too.

Great.

Your hair looks stupid by the way.

Your...

face looks bad.

- No, it doesn't. My face rules. - Whatever!

Thank the Lord!

Glad you're alive, but oh, boy, are you dead meat.

Your father and I have been sick, worried about y'all,

and you did not even have the decency to answer your cell phones!

- Cell phones are a privilege! - That is right!

Mom, Dad, cut the crap.

- Blair, do not sass me! - Yeah, cut the crap!

Sterling!

- Sterling. - What has gotten into you, young lady?

We know about you! The real whole dang serious truth!

Yes, and where to begin, Mom?

Well, let's see. You're not from Savannah,

you're from Nandina, Georgia.

Where you belong to Tabernacle Church of Christ the Reindeer...

- Redeemer, Redeemer... - Redeemer!

Where you might be sad to learn

that one of your childhood snakes just died.

And, oh, yeah, you're wanted for first-degree arson!

That's enough, Blair! That's enough.

Mom, you have to tell us the truth.

All right, yes.

Yes, I have not been entirely truthful about my past.

But it was because she...

we needed to protect you.

From what?

All right, girls. Just listen. It...

It was a different time in my life.

I was very young and impressionable

and I fell in with an extreme crowd,

and I acted out of hate, not love.

And that is not what God intended.

I can see that now.

So, you did this.

You set fire to an abortion clinic!

That is not very Christian of you!

No.

But at the time, I thought it was very Christian.

Obviously, I was wrong.

- Was anyone hurt? - No. No.

Thank the Lord. No one was hurt.

This is not an excuse

because we should always take responsibility for our actions,

but I was acting under the influence

of some very persuasive people.

They were saying, uh, provocative things about the Lord,

things that are not true

knowing God the way I do now,

how he forgives and loves all people.

I'm ashamed I fell so far off the path.

Who are these people?

Were you in a cult?

Why did you do it?

Are people after you?

Did the police question you?

- Did you feel cool in the moment? - Blair!

Girls, the details are not important.

What you need to know is that from the moment we had you,

we have done everything in our power

to make sure that you do not wind up like I did those many years ago.

All right, we have...

We have worked so hard...

to give you this life.

We both have.

- Are you in danger? - Are we safe?

I'm not in danger and we are safe.

We have a plan, and lawyers.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- And everything is gonna be just fine. - Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Our, uh... Our big family secret is out.

- It is a lot... - A lot.

... but it's out, there it is.

So, here's what we're gonna do.

I am gonna pack y'all some snacks to-go

while you put on your PJs,

and y'all are gonna go to that lock-in tonight

and enjoy being teenagers while you still can.

All right. Come on, girls, let's go. Chop chop!

Hummus and veggies?

- And Oreos. - Yeah.

Oh. All right. Go, go, go.

I need cash to deposit, our bank account is low.

Why?

Gas, lock-in pizza.

Fine.

How much?

Two hundred.

So...

So.

Mom's a wanted fugitive.

Mom is a wanted fugitive, happy Friday.

It's like she was living this whole double life

that we didn't know about.

We can't exactly judge her. We're living a double life, too.

Putting bad guys away.

She was being a bad guy.

Is that lip gloss?

Oh.

You're really pulling out all the stops for April.

Shove it. I want to look nice tonight, in general.

You're not gonna bail, right?

I kind of need you there with the whole me and April situation,

for, like, moral support.

Bailing is your thing, not mine.

Is he even here?

- Girls. - Bowser, what's happening?

No offense, but we're slammed.

I have 30 pizzas that are about to go live

and I gotta be there when they land.

Why do y'all work for me?

Uh...

You said you needed money to fix your daddy's truck.

You got that taken care of weeks ago.

Yeah.

- Hm? - Wait! No, Bowser, that's not...

It's, like, not what you think.

How could you have known this whole time,

and not told me that your mama was some nutjob fugitive?

Is that why you got in this business in the first place, hm?

To learn how to help somebody evade the law?

No, we didn't know, we promise.

We just found out, like, today.

Yeah, and our mom is not a nutjob.

She only made a mistake, like, a long time ago.

How am I supposed to believe you? You're a couple of liars.

That is a nasty allegation.

Never to you, Bowser.

Really?

Your folks came to see me yesterday,

looking for you two.

Lyin' is bad.

But lying to your family...

that's unforgivable.

No, but we only skipped school

so that we could figure out what's going on with our mom.

We swear we didn't know about her before.

I ain't got time for all your excuses.

This shit done got too complicated with the two of you.

Now I'm playing boss and babysitter and bestie, apparently.

You didn't have to answer my call today.

I know I didn't have to.

I'm not blaming you, I'm blaming myself.

Running with y'all got me soft.

So soft, I threw a skip.

It reminded me why I only look out for myself, and that's it!

Well, I think that's a really shitty approach to life.

Yeah, well, why don't you finish high school

before you talk to me about life?

Hm?

You're fired.

- We're fired? - Mm-hm.

Just because we're, like, friends with you?

No! You're fired because

I should have never got involved with you in the first place!

A couple of kids in pajamas, even.

I was doing just fine.

And you came in and you convinced me to change things.

You mean be happy?

Happy?

Do I look happy to you, right now?

No.

No.

And the mochi on the motherfucking non-fat yogurt sundae...

Now, I know the whereabouts of a wanted fugitive.

You're not gonna turn our mom in, are you?

No.

I'm not going to turn her in.

Because of you!

Because you put me in an impossible situation here.

So, now I'm forced to forgo my ethics

and leave 90,000 dollars on the table.

So, yeah, sorry, girls.

I'm gonna need you to get up out of here.

Now!

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Just, you know...

rejected.

Again.

I've been thinking about what you said in Nandina.

About me creating drama, or whatever.

I'm sorry I said all that stuff, Blair, but you said mean stuff, too.

That you have blonde hair and that you're gonna go to UGA?

Yeah.

Whoo. How will you ever forgive me?

You said I was boring.

You were harsh and you know it.

Well, I was pissed, okay?

But what sucks and makes me want to...

punch you in the face, lightly...