The Neighbors

Morning, Juan! Morning, Juan.

Hi, Juan!

Hello, Juan!

Another Saturday he returns. (grunts)

Whoo, baby.

Greetings, Juan the garden maker,

bringer of flowers,

- cutter of grass. - Max, your burger's ready when you are.

Oh, no, thanks. Juan's gonna teach me how to mow!

He loves Juan.

Oh, Juan's the best.

I'm telling you, Larry, you aliens are missing out, man.

The bacon cheeseburger is one of the finest joys of life.

You humans are just monkeys in tennis shoes.

- Larry, what would happen if you ate food? - I have no idea.

Zabvronians' bodies are extremely sensitive.

What are you, afraid? (scoffs)

- You're afraid. - Oh! Marty...

- Bok-bok-bok-bok-bok-caw! - I am a higher life form.

- Taunts and threats have no effect on me. - (high-pitched voice) Larry's afraid.

- Larry's a... - (scoffs) Give it here!

No, I don't like it.

Great run!

I still don't understand why we did it.

To look good!

But you look terrible, like the worst I've ever seen.

Okay. Thanks for that.

No?

Oh... You know what?

I think I'm gonna take a bath.

There's nothing like stripping down

to what you were born with and having a good, hot soak.

It really relaxes the muscles.

Well, my muscles are not sore.

Would it kill you to act like they were?

Ouch.

I know, right? (groans)

Stripping down to what I was born with.

Wife!

Marty Weaver made me eat a cow!

Wife! I demand an audience!

I'm upstairs, Larry Bird!

Oh. Uh, Juan?

When you're done lying motionless on the ground,

perhaps you could come round the front

and water the shrubbery. It's a bit dry.

Juan?

S01E10 Juan of the Dead

I called 9-1-1. They're on their way.

Good. Now what the hell, guys? This is really weird!

I know, right? We tried to get his attention,

but we don't speak spanish.

Oh, my god, don't touch the body! You never touch the body!

Well, I think it's a little late for that.

Guys, Juan isn't ignoring you.

He's... You know.

Dead.

- Dead? - Dead.

- Dead. - Well, make him stop.

- We can't. - Why not?

Okay, you know what?

Marty, the kids could come in any second! We have a dead man on our sofa!

He can't stay! I'm sorry, Juan.

Oh, poor Juan. He's gotta go!

Hold on a second, 'cause I find this fascinating.

Do you guys not know what death is?

Of course we do. Since taking human form,

- we die every night for six hours. - Preferably eight.

And in the morning, we un-die, refreshed.

- Sometimes I die after mating with Jackie. - I die during.

- I see. - Sleep! You're talking about sleep!

This is death, the end of life! Jackie, stop touching Juan!

Okay... Listen up, guys.

For humans, death is it the end!

It's like a light burning out that never comes back!

Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Juan.

Thanks for letting me ride in your cart.

No problemo!

oh, my god!

Yep, I did that.

Good-bye, Juan.

I don't know why we're waving. He can't see us.

Because it's sad. He was a sweet man.

Yeah, he was. (sighs)

Guess we should go break the news to Max.

Ugh.

Ohh, I don't want to, either.

But Max loved Juan.

You know, they spent a lot of time together.

Juan let him help with the watering,

pulling the weeds, emptying the mower bag.

You ever think Juan might have been using our son for free labor?

Marty, this is a big deal, okay?

I mean, Max knows about death,

but he's never had anyone close to him pass away.

He has all of his grandparents. He's never lost a pet.

I mean, not one that he knows of.

Yeah, we did pull off that impressive hermit crab switcheroo.

Wait a minute. Do you think that we could possibly...

- Marty. - Right. That's a bad idea. Yeah.

Okay, we can do this, you know?

We'll just sit him down, have a conversation like we did

with Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Larry Bird.

- That went well, right? - Yeah.

Ah, there you are.

Larry, what the hell is going on?

Oh, I explained death to the community,

and they asked specifically when it happens,

and I had to confess that I did not know,

and it caused a bit of a panic.

Maybe you can clear things up?

Well, actually, we need to talk to Max.

Excellent. Community!(whistles)

Your attention! (sobbing continues)

Marty Weaver will now explain how death comes...

At a prearranged moment,

when you're physically and mentally prepared,

and it's always reasonable, fair, and painless.

Marty.

Okay, here's the thing.

It's doesn't come at a prearranged moment, okay?

And you're never prepared, and it is never painless.

Maybe you could answer some questions.(gasping)

Yeah, okay, fine.

But just a couple. Uh, you, the indian one?

Are we going to die?

I don't know. The third from left, the pants too high?

How do you go on, Knowing you're going to die? What's the point?

The point is to enjoy life while you can and not think about when it's going to end.

It's called denial.

You... up front, little man-woman?

What is this denial?

Well, it's keeping yourself busy,

distractions... you know, food, shopping, alcohol,

So you don't have to think about things.

Yeah, yeah, take me, for instance, okay?

Over half my family had heart attacks.

- Does that ever cross my mind? - Not once! (laughs)

Instead, he plays computer poker and eats cheeseburgers with reckless abandon.

Yeah, my heart's so bad,

- it practically whistles when it beats. - It does?

Well, I just want to put their mind at ease.

- So just go with me. - Oh. Okay.

I mean, honestly, if I keep stuffing my face like this,

it'll be a miracle if I'm even around in five years.

Look, basically, I'm a dead man walking,

and I'm okay with it.

And he's okay with it.

- I'm gonna die. (pops) Big whoop. - Big whoop.

You're gonna die?!

Oh, Max, we were going to talk to you about this.

Not about daddy, about Juan.

There's something wrong with Juan?

Well, um...

Oh, my gosh! (screaming)

- Max! - Oh!

I can't believe Juan died.

I don't want daddy to die, too.

Honey, that is not going to happen.

Yeah, I only said I had a whistling heart to make the aliens feel better.

But Juan died.

That's true, but Juan was very old.

He was...

- Debbie, how old was he? - 45.

45?! Oh, my god,

He spent a lot of time in the sun.

Only old people die?

- No. - Yes.

- Yes. - No.

But if you guys die,

I'll be all alone.

Hey, what if I promised you

that we all die at exactly the same time?

Would that make you feel better, sport?

Are you nuts?

How would that make me feel better?

Did you just promise our son a murder/suicide pact?

I'm regretting the choice.

(sighs)

Honey, you don't have to worry about any of this.

Nobody's going to die.

You're all going to die.

What the hell was that? We got a freaked-out kid in there.

So sorry to bother you,

but we've come to terms with your eventual demise,

and we are here to say farewell.

Appreciate that, Jackie, But you're being a little ridiculous.

We are being ridiculous?

You're the ones that are so accepting of death!

Fight it! Solve the problem!

I've been a problem solver my entire life.

I'm great at checkers. I own tetris. It's simple math.

You're capable of being alive. You die.

You should be capable of being alive again.