Two and a Half Men

I am determined to find someone who wants to be with me

for who I am not what I have.

I need to buy a little bit of everything.

I can help you out with that.

I appreciate it...Kate.

Not a problem..

Sam Wilson.

It's refreshing

talking to someone like you for a change.

- Someone like me? - Yeah

Someone who's not constantly trying to impress me

with how much stuff he's got.

Kate, this is my friend Alan.

Thanks so much for pickin' us up.

Yeah, this clown rents a room from me

suddenly I'm running a taxi service.

You should move out.

Can't afford to.

Maybe you could crash here.

Have you really thought this through?

I've gotta see where this goes with Kate.

- Promise me one thing. - What's that?

That we're always honest with each other.

You got it.

Anyways, I hope that it's okay

that I have people over on Christmas.

It's just Jake and Lyndsey and my mom.

Of course. It's the holidays.

It's the time to be with the ones you love.

Right. Uh, and my mom.

So, uh, so listen, Sam Wilson, how are things in Poorville?

Are you "Les Miserables?"

Actually, it's a hoot.

You know, last night Kate and I went shopping

at the 99 Cent Store.

That place is amazing.

Did you know that everything there is 99 cents?

Know it, I registered there for my wedding.

Two cans of peaches- 99 cents. Four-pack of yogurt- 99 cents.

This owl-shaped mug?

99 cents.

Guess how much the wine inside was?

Uh, I'm going to go out on a limb and say 99 cents?

79 cents.

Dented box.

From now on, I'm buying everything from that place.

Uh, not condoms.

I think that's how I ended up with Jake.

- Hey. - Hey, baby.

- Uh, I gotta go. - Oh, hey, Katie.

Alan. How are you?

I'm fine, just, uh... sipping some wine I got

at the 999 Dollar Store.

Bye, Alan.

Douche.

Don't worry about him.

How was your day?

It's Christmas, Sam.

Happy people wishing you "Peace on Earth."

- It was horrible. - Okay.

Somebody's got a case of the grinches.

No, it's a case of nine-hour shifts

listening to Celine Dion murder "O Holy Night."

If I ever meet that skinny bitch

I'm going to beat the "O Holy" crap out of her.

And that's what Christmas is all about.

I'm sorry.

Tell me about your day.

After you left, I made some breakfast..

Oh, I got the mail.

And then I did some work on that app I've been developing

and then I did some serious research on World War II.

Really?

I fell asleep watching the History Channel.

Sweetie, can I be honest with you?

Yeah. What's up?

I am working my ass off.

It would be really, really nice if you could

I don't know, pitch in a little.

You heard the part about me getting the mail, right?

You do understand that what came in the mail is a pile of bills?

I mean, I think it is great that you're working

on your computer stuff but we need help now.

I get it. Say no more.

I'll start looking for a job.

Thank you.

And don't worry, it's not like I expect you to make

a million dollars or anything.

Oh, thank God.

Go ahead. I'm going to go run a bath.

I reek of comfort and joy.

Hey, Billy. What's up?

Nothing much, just running our company while you take

some personal time.

Why don't you just man up and admit you're in rehab?

I am not in rehab. I told you.

I'm on a spiritual journey.

Spiritual journey. Yeah, you know what?

I've been on four of those. I still wake up craving meth.

I call it "Eat, Pray, Love

"have angry sex with an Asian hooker."

What do you want, Billy?

'I'm just keeping you in the loop about what's going on.'

We got new computers in the bullpen.

We got a staple-less stapler.

Mark Zuckerberg offered to buy a controlling interest

in the company for 800 million and the redhead in marketing

is not wearing bras.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There's a staple-less stapler?

I think we should take his offer.

Billy, we built the Electric Suitcase from the ground up.

I mean, besides, we've been here before.

You hated the fact that I sold our last company

and I've come to realize that you were right.

I hated Tarnell, the gangster who sold me crack

but I was still happy to work with him.

I mean, look, this is a good offer.

- We should take it. - Okay.

Tell him 1.2 billion, but we keep control.

Where do you think we're going to get a better offer?

Bath's ready. Want to join me?

I just got a better offer. Good-bye.

Geez! You scared me. I nearly dropped the champagne.

Where did you get money to buy champagne?

You left some for me.

- For emergencies. - Yeah.

We were out of champagne.

So, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here in my house?

Uh, uh, I'm sorry, let me rephrase that.

Uh, uh, great to see you. What brings you by?

I'm doing laundry for Kate and me.

Really? You did laundry.

- No, I did laundry. - Thank you.

So, you're, like, some sort of kept man, huh?

Well, I'm supposed to be out job hunting

but it's kind of hard since Sam Wilson

doesn't actually exist.

I can help you there.

Five grand will get you a clean Social Security card

and a new set of fingerprints.

- Six will get you the fingers. - The fingers?

Better to have and not need than to need and not have.

Hey, uh, why don't you just go to an ATM

pull out a few thousand dollars and tell her you got a job?

But that would be lying.

Oh, no, you wouldn't want to lie to her, Sam Wilson.

Let me explain something to you, Alan.

Walden Schmidt lies.

Sam Wilson tells the truth.

Besides, I like Sam Wilson's life.

It feels more like.. I don't know, real life.

Yeah, I get that.

That's why I like to sleep in your bed.

Feels more like a...real bed.

Oh, and get this.

I got a call from Billy today.

We got an offer to buy our company for $800 million.

Excuse me a sec.

$800 million!

Yeah. We turned it down.

You turned it down.

Check it out.

'Oh, Sam.'

I hope you stole that.

It wasn't that expensive.

We barely made rent this month.

I know, but it's Christmas.

You don't have to tell me.

I'm earning extra money

by making a Santa outfit for my boss' labra-doodle.

Aw, that's cute.

Then I'm gonna make three wise men costumes

for her cats.

And just like that, cute becomes creepy.

Okay, I'm going to go change.

I've gotta lead on a job.

- Really? - Yeah.

If that doesn't work, I'm gonna rob a bank.

I hope the 99 Cent Store sells ski masks.

- Oh, man. - What?

I forgot to give Santa a tail-hole.

Worst Christmas carol ever.

- Hey, dad. - Hey, buddy.

You excited about Christmas?

Yeah, that's actually why I was calling.

I'm not gonna be able to make it home this year.

What? Why?

My girlfriend Tammy Sue asked me to spend Christmas

with her and her three kids.

I'm pretending to be Santa and also their various fathers.

Oh, kill me.

H-H-How did you meet this woman?

I play softball with her parole officer.

Oh, dig me up and kill me again.

Alright, well, I hope I see you soon.

Don't worry, we'll all come visit

as soon as Tammy Sue gets her ankle bracelet off.

That will be a magical day.