Monkey Shines

Linda?

- I'm gonna go run. - OK.

- Morning. - Good morning.

How ya doin'?

- Is he out? - Yup.

Good. Now we can talk about him.

Oh, my God! Martha, his ass is hairier than yours.

- Very funny. - No laughs, huh?

The morning team has a sense of humour. OK.

This is an accident victim creamed by a truck.

Injury to C5 - anterior dislocation of the upper segment

with damage to the cord.

Dr Fletcher to ICU. Dr Stephen Fletcher, please come to ICU.

John.

I can't tell you how much it means that you found the time to be with us today.

Everyone! Everyone! Pay attention.

For those of you who haven't met him, this is Dr John Wiseman -

the genius who saved my Allan's life.

Here's to the doctor.

- Dr Wiseman. - John, this is Dr Fry.

My name is Esther Fry.

Dr Fry is one of Allan's professors at the law school.

- We were just discussing... - Will Allan be able to finish his studies?

Physically, yes, but will he want to?

Let's not talk about this now. This is supposed to be a celebration.

Yeah. Some celebration, huh, Doc? Charlie Cunningham.

- How are you? - I'm Allan's c... I was Allan's coach.

Oh. Excuse me one second.

- How are you holding up? - Good. I'm good.

Good.

I'd better go freshen up. Allan'll be here any minute.

- (man) He's here. - (mother) OK, everybody quiet.

Everybody, he's here. Let's all surprise him together. Quiet now.

- Good luck to you. - Thanks.

Allan! Oh, Allan! You're home.

One, two, three... Surprise!

To Allan. To the start of his new life.

Hi, babe.

- Been a long time. - I know.

I should have come to visit you more at the hospital, but...

I'm sorry.

Linda, would you get this gentleman a drink? Double Scotch?

- If I'm allowed. - Allowed? I'm prescribing it.

Not in a regular glass. We use these.

We never use ice cubes and if we must have alcohol, we water it down.

Maryanne Hodges.

I've been hired by your mother to stay and take care of you.

Thank you.

- Who could live that way? - Sshh. He was looking right at us.

Hi. This is Geoffrey. I can't come to the phone right now, but leave a message.

Wait for the beep.

Geoffrey, where the hell are you?

- (animals squeak) - Hello, babies.

Papa's got a surprise.

All right, ladies and gentlemen... One human brain.

This sample comes from the main association area of the temporal cortex.

The donor was a Jane Doe with no apparent abnormalities.

Hello, number six. Come on.

That's it.

Freedom.

Save some for the old man.

Parnate incarnate. Another night without sleep.

But sleep is just a waste of time. Right, number six?

Double, double, toil and trouble...

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

You have got to get smart on this, sugar.

There you go. I know it hurts, baby,

but beats going back to the jungle, doesn't it?

Let's get our messages. Hey, don't you give me that.

Get your little hinny over here or no midnight snack.

Good girl. That's it.

- Geoffrey, this is Dean Burbage... - How are you doing, you psycho?

Wednesday 6th. You forgot our appointment...

- Yes, I did. - I'd like to see you tomorrow...

I'd like to see you dead... Wednesday 6th?

Geoffrey, where the hell are you?

God... Allan.

Hey, come in here.

How ya doin', Ace?

A lot of changes here. I hardly recognise this place.

- Equipped for the handicapped. - You'll get all the best parking spaces.

Ones with the pictures of the wheelchairs on them.

- I hate to think what Mother paid for it. - You'll pay her back. Lawyers get rich.

You look like shit. You shooting parnate?

That's one of the advantages of working in a chem lab.

I finally figured it out. Every three days that I stay awake, I gain 24 hours.

That's 122 days every year.

So even if I die at 50, I will have lived 65 years.

I'm sorry I didn't make the party. Linda called me - she sounded pretty crazed.

Linda's dumping me.

She didn't come out and say it, but I can tell.

Allan... Linda's just not comfortable with the change yet, that's all.

She's gonna come around.

Hey, if she walks out on you now, fuck her.

I can't.

Oh, look! There you are with the little Palmer children.

Patterson, Mother. Their name was Patterson.

That's right. I'm terrible with names.

Look, there's their house.

Remember when Mr Patterson got transferred?

I got the listing and had to sell the house.

You were so angry. You thought I had something to do with their moving away.

Maryanne! I don't like birds in the house - the flapping.

- Bogie? Bad boy. - Bogie?

When he talks, he sounds just like Humphrey Bogart.

- (Bogie) Sweetheart. - See?

Look! Halloween. Oh, you just refused to wear that costume we bought for you.

You wanted to go as that robot from the movies. What's his name?

Robby the Robot. I always wanted to be Robby the Robot.

Guess I finally got my wish.

Shit.

Jesus H Christ! Hey!

What do you think you're doing? Get the hell outta here! Run, you dinks!

Shit.

- Where's security? - Stop torturing animals!

- Murderer! - Torturer!

Nice toss! You mentally-deficient puke.

- How're you doing? - Late again.

Yes. Sorry. Lost track of the time.

Well... What have you got?

Samuels has given me a brain sample from a young girl who died in surgery.

I've made a formulation based on human memory cells and injected a monkey.

Is the monkey responding? Is it any smarter than it was before it was injected?

It's very difficult to measure. She was pretty smart to begin with.

I don't believe this.

The worm studies reincarnated. Monkeys are more expensive than worms.

- It's not costing anything. - It's costing time, Geoffrey.

This programme has to start showing results.

People who write the cheques are getting nervous.

I've seen you on three different talk shows

defending the slaughter of animals for research.

Your work has the anti-vivisectionists ready to firebomb the college.

That's what's making the people who write the cheques nervous.

Our approaches are quite different.

Unfortunately for you, I'm the head of this department.

- Why don't you just fire me then? - I don't want to fire you, Geoffrey.

- I just want to get you to produce. - You can't do it, can you?

You can't fire me cos you know if anybody's gonna strike gold,

it's gonna be me.

- Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. You'll live. - (hissing)

My ass is on the line around here, sixer. And yours with it.

You'd better get smart.

This has to work.

Proved out 50 different ways.

You should be playing chess with the dosage you've been getting.

You're half human, for Christ's sake.

Why don't you show it, huh? Why don't you show something? Up.

Maybe these other goons are holding you back.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I gotta get you out of here.

Three.

No... Four.

Five.

Seven.

Fuck! Eight!

Six.

Yo, Ace! Ace, I'm gonna grab a brew. Do you want one?

- Tofranil. Same dosage? - No.

Four times a day for the first two days, twice a day after that.

So... What are your plans?

No plans.

I was going to fly home back to Illinois next week, but...

I can't go now, not now.

- What if Allan? - Tries this again?

You're not going to prevent it by being here. Look at today.

I know it might be difficult to understand,

but you might actually be aggravating the situation.

- Aggravating? - Go home, Dorothy. Go back to Illinois.

Go back to your business.

You'll make it easier on yourself and on Allan.

He'll be fine. Clinical depression syndrome.

Tryptizol I had him on was too weak. I'm switching him to Tofranil.

Allan Mann.

This isn't unusual. Six out of ten quadriplegics attempt suicide.

And you pump them full of Tofranil.

Have you seen Wiseman?

He's right over there.

- Geoffrey? - It's Allan. He tried to kill himself.

Wait. You didn't know?

- Then what are you doing here? - She came to pick me up.

Well, I'll be damned. How do we diagnose this one, Wiseman?

Clinical asshole syndrome? Clinical rat? Clinical snake in the grass?

- Come on, Geoffrey... - And you? You clinical cunt.

OK, Scooter. Come on now. Drink. Drink.

OK. Put your baby to bed. Drink.

No, not for baby. Drink for me.

Good girl. Open.

Change. Good girl.

Good girl. Change. Open.

Open. Good girl. Straw.

Good girl! Good girl.

- (car horn) - Hey, company's here.

Let's go. Cage. Good girl.

Yeah. Get in the cage. Come on, honey. Get in the cage. Come on. Cage.

Yes. Yes. Good girl!

- Hi. I'm Melanie. - Hi. Geoffrey Fisher. Nice to meet you.

- What a fabulous place you have here. - Thanks. I'm lucky to have it.

- You wanna come in or stay out here? - I'll stay out.

Although my system may go into shock - all it ever gets is fluorescent light.

So you train monkeys? Exclusively for quadriplegics?

There's no time for anything else - the programme's so popular.