The Answer Man (Arlen Faber) (The Answer Man)

# Oh, Mr. Pit, oh, Mr. Pit, Mr. Pitiful #

# who let you down? #

# who let you down? Who let you down? #

# You still don't believe, #

# you don't believe, you don't believe #

# and your grievances show #

# when your soapbox unfolds #

# but please come down #

# from that cloud you're sitting on #

# I don't expect you to admit #

# that you were wrong #

# just want to know how you've been #

# it don't make me feel bad #

# that we're still friends #

# mulling it over in my bed #

# I hope that you see #

# through your big yard #

# and white picket fence #

# well, I don't believe, I don't believe #

# I don't believe #

# everything I see #

# and you don't like the movie #

# then quit acting #

# but please come down #

# from that cloud you're sitting on #

# I don't expect you to admit #

# that you were wrong #

# just want to know how you've been #

# it don't make me feel bad #

# that we're still friends #

# mulling it over in my bed #

# I hope that you see through your big yard #

# and white picket fence #

# to make amends #

# still be my friend #

# still be my friend #

# still be my friend. #

We would like to do a full expose on Arlen Faber.

It would coincide with the release

of the 20th anniversary of "Me and God."

People want to read this story.

I've red "Me and God" 12 times, for Chrissake.

Sorry. He listens to you, Terry.

If I could get five minutes with him,

it would mean everything.

He redefined spirituality for an entire generation.

It's been translated into over 100 languages.

This book...

Arlen Faber isn't going to talk to you

This year or any year.

Arlen Faber doesn't do interviews.

He's refused an audience with the Dalai Lama.

He has turned down millions in appearance fees.

What would make a man do this, you ask?

Because Arlen Faber came in direct contact

With the creator himself.

Can you imagine how much that would change you?

He isn't even like us anymore.

He has no concern for worldly affairs

or possessions.

He has been touched by the divine

and he has given us the only thing that he could,

- which is "Me and God." - (doorbell rings)

And if that isn't enough for you,

Then God help you.

Fuck! Shit! Motherfucker!

Fucking cock.

Get a fucking machine.

Fucking goddamn. Fuck. Fuck.

Oh, terrific.

I didn't want to leave this on the doorstep.

It might be important.

You never know who might snatch it.

Mr. Faber sure gets a lot of mail.

Is he here to sign for this today?

No, he isn't.

Ever since I took this job, I've been hoping to meet him.

Tough break.

Yeah.

Would you mind signing for it today, please?

My hands are shaking. I apologize.

- Prince Berefton. - That's me.

There you are.

Can I ask you a small question?

What is Mr. Faber like?

You'd hate him.

Hey, we have

delicious life bacon.

It's for your life. It's delicious,

tastes just like bacon except...

But with delicious soy protein

sweetened with cane juice and tomato pulp.

Exactly, and yummy egg whites

Scrambled just the way you like them,

which is the scrambly delicious way.

Uh... Okay.

Okay, mommy has her drink.

All out who's getting out.

Bye.

Hurry hurry.

- Here's your lunch. - Thank you.

Be careful. Have fun.

Be careful. Have fun.

Man: remember what I said about fear.

Fuck everything and run.

Or face everything and relax.

I know.

Remember, when you get out of here, the first thing you want to do...

I know. "Stay sober. Get a sponsor and stay sober."

Dad, I'm home.

Tv announcer: free unlimited texting and of course

Dad.

I'm back.

Don't be mad! Hey, Kris, don't be mad.

Okay, it's not a big deal, but don't be mad.

Just... okay, just don't be mad, okay?

Um...

You lost the keys for 27 days.

Yeah.

The store was closed for 27 days.

I didn't have anyone else to call.

So I had to wait for you to be released.

Released?

I wasn't released. I'm not a criminal.

I was having a problem with alcohol.

You attacked my umbrella.

What?

You did. You were screaming at me

and you were really drunk. And it was scary.

I'm sorry I scared you, Dahlia.

I'm sorry I lost the keys

and the store was closed, Kris.

I actually sat in his presence.

He actually said to me, "Dominica, you are awake."

And I said, "I actually thought I was

Because my guru said I was, but then somebody said I wasn't,

- so I actually wasn't sure." - That is, like...

Hey, pretend person, if you're done hallucinating,

I'd love a shot at being a customer in this place.

Welcome back.

Can I help you?

Yes, these don't work. I'd like to sell them.

If my conscience would allow it, I'd burn them,

but instead I'll take pennies on the dollar.

You've read all 21 volumes of "Unlocking the Door to the Heaven Within"?

Yep, and it still lacked.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid we can't buy any books right now.

Oh, well, I'm afraid I can't keep these in my house right now, so...

So if you could just come back next month...

So if you could just get the manager...

Oh...

I am the manager.

I can't afford it. It's been a tough couple of months.

Fine. That's just fine.

You can have them free of charge... my gift to you.

I'm not supposed to owe anyone anything right now.

Uh-huh.

Stop!

Look, it's been a little slow.

The store's been closed for a while.

We're just getting back up to speed.

Let me guess... you were off

giving lap dances at the piercing festival.

God grant me the serenity

to accept the terrifying bullshit I cannot change.

I'm sorry.

Maybe next month.

Right now I can't afford it.

Fine.

That is just fine.

All right, well,

Let me tell you something, my little friend.

You...

You are gonna take these books.

Come again.

Okay, Anne, 5:00.

Oh, that's fine.

Leave it.

Anne, it's fine.

Look, everything is gonna be fine.

Debt, waitressing, chiropractic school...

I did not go through four years of doubt and terror

to tank in the first month. Everything is gonna be fine.

Fine.

- Bye. - Good night.

Well, a great day, huh?

Great.

Relax. I need to relax.

# Isn't it romantic? #

Oh!

No, I refuse to accept this.

No, I do not accept this.

This is bullshit. I do not accept it.

# Isn't it romantic? #

- (chuckles) - # moving shadows write #

# the oldest magic word... #

Agh!

# I hear the breezes playing #

# in the trees above... #

("Isn't it romantic" playing)