Ted Lasso

Ooh.

I'm sorry about this.

Don't you dare apologize.

Thanks to you, we can afford to get the other car fixed.

Tell him, boys.

- Bye, Dad. - It's all right, Dad.

Whatever.

- Love you. - Love you, darling.

Ooh, and... and tell your boss I hope she gets heart disease.

Ooh. Oh.

- Morning, Ted. - Hey, Higgins...

- - Ooh!

Is he dead?

I mean, you know, it's my fault for staring at my phone.

I just can't stop checking on my family's flight.

You know, I haven't shared this with too many folks,

but, um, Michelle and I,

we've been having some marital issues.

Ted, you really don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.

Oh, I don't mind.

Tried couples therapy.

Didn't like the other couple though.

- -

Oh, it feels good to laugh.

Yeah, you know, our therapist gave us this code word to use.

So if either of us says "Oklahoma",

the other one has to tell the God's honest truth.

Yeah, you know, it's pretty helpful.

Did ruin the musical for me though.

So now every time I hear, "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'",

or, uh... what... "Surrey with the Fringe on Top", or...

- "Shall We Dance?" - No, that's from King and I.

Anyway, if I hear any of those tunes,

I immediately think about my wife telling me

that my constant optimism is too much.

And this... sharing of feelings

is 'cause I opened up to you about my ex-husband at the gala.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, that's a lesson learned.

Oh, come on now.

I bet deep down you kinda dig we're getting so close, right?

I do.

- Oklahoma? - I do not.

Mm-hmm.

Jamie?

You up?

Hello?

Is, uh, is Jamie here?

Oh, my God. You're Keeley Jones.

Yeah, I am.

Hi, Jamie.

No, no, no. No. You can't get mad. You broke up with me.

Like, 24 hours ago.

How long's a man meant to be alone?

What am I supposed to do? Shower by myself?

Sorry, can I just say, I'm your biggest fan.

I follow your Insta, your Snap, everything.

Wow, thank you.

And, Jamie, thank you.

Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it,

wondering if I made a huge fucking mistake.

But you have really helped me

to feel good about this decision, just by...

being you.

You're welcome.

What?

You said I made you feel good about your decision.

- Yeah. - Did you mean it?

- Yes. - Well, then you're welcome.

I like to make people feel good.

- Mm. - Mm.

You still gonna be around for the promo shoot later?

Oh, the promo shoot that I've spent weeks setting up for you?

Yes.

- -

It was nice to meet you.

Oh...

Yes, yes, yes! Here!

Yes, Jamie! Jamie, Jamie!

Jamie, I'm open. Jamie!

- What are you doing? That was going in. - Well, we'll never know.

Jamie, how many times I gotta tell you to make the extra pass?

Come on. Sam was more open

than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter.

- What? What's he talking about? -

Oh, that's right. Y'all don't know

I like to keep the peanut butter open.

That way, whenever I walk by, I can just stick my finger in there.

Oh.

- It's a fucking good idea, to be fair. - Yeah, it is.

Now look, when Sam is that open, you gotta pass to him, okay?

But why? Even when Sam's open, Sam is still shit.

I heard my name. What did he say?

- Don't worry about it. - Oh, okay.

Guys, we gotta play like a team tomorrow.

Otherwise we're gonna get our butts kicked. Extra passes.

We're gonna keep doing this until we get it right. Let's go.

Dad!

Practice is canceled.

That is a lot longer run than he thinks, though.

Metaphor.

- Hey! - Daddy!

I kinda thought y'all would meet me halfway,

but hey, that's all right. Hey, buddy!

Helicopter!

Oh, you got it.

Two spins. How about that?

Boy, you're gonna be a dizzy fella there.

- Slower helicopter. - No way. Come on now.

I missed you so much.

Group hug.

Hey! There he is.

Hey, big guy. Look how tall you got. What the heck?

And look at this. I mean, you, what... You got teeth now?

- I already had teeth! - And you can talk!

Also, Ms. Welton, sorry to report,

but this weekend's match will not be completely sold out.

Not a surprise. We've lost four matches in a row,

and we're facing relegation.

But why be sorry?

I think it's all going rather smashingly.

- - Uh...

I'm happy to be the new brand ambassador for Darsteiner.

The favorite beer of Jamie Tartt.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Get my tats.

Get that one. It's very important to me. Chinese for "arm".

- Jamie. - What?

- Just drink the beer. - Yeah.

No judgment, but are you back with that twat?

Bon appétit.

No. We're done. God, I love that you care though.

I'll kiss you on the mouth if I can reach those lips.

You know, I put this whole thing together. I get 10%.

Hey, do you like mythology?

You've seen a unicorn. You ever seen a brewnicorn?

- That's fucking funny. - Oh, no.

What's that? It's my beerby.

- Come on. - Okay.

Y'all getting all this for free. Not even extra for that.

- Keeley. - Hmm?

If any of the other players needed some branding work done,

is that something you'd be interested in?

I don't want you to offer me a job

just 'cause I was nice to you in the loo the other night.

Why not? Men give each other jobs in toilets all the time.

Yeah, they do.

- - I meant employment. Like job-jobs.

- So not hand, or blow, or foot? - Foot?

Oh, you're right. Technically it would be... feet, right?

Just give it a thought.

Unless you want to carry on doing...

What is it you do again?

I'm sort of famous for being almost famous.

Excellent.

- Maybe think of it as a plan B. - Yeah.

Okay, now, little tip for y'all, all right?

Fries are called "chips". Chips are called "crisps".

And "bangers" aren't great songs,

but they do make you feel like dancing 'cause they're so darn tasty.

When you gonna win a game, you fucking wanker?

Hey, Baz. Fellas. Uh, this here... This is my wife, Michelle.

Absolute pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Lasso.

Nice recovery. Well executed.

- Yeah, coach's wife. She's heard it all. - Yeah.

Hi, Ted. Hello, young man.

Here are the darts. There's the board. Try not to hit any regulars.

Yeah, go have fun.

- Your table's this way. - Go on. After you.

- Three fish-and-chips? - Yes, please. And two pints.

- I like your style. - Yeah.

Look at this.

Do they, um, wrap the fish-and-chips in newspaper?

I read they do that here.

No, no. I wish. Boy, I'd love that.

Having my food teach me stuff?

Yeah, that's your dream scenario, right?

A doughnut that knows about Rosa Parks or something.

- Yeah. Exactly, yeah. - Yeah.

- Can fit a lot of wisdom just in the hole. - Mm.

Yeah.

Oh. You already done, bud?

Yeah, he probably should be.

Ooh. Well, I'm sorry about that.

Happens all the time.

- What are you doing? - I'm just curious, yeah?

The photographer's gonna send me over the pictures,

and I'll just kill the ones where you look like shit.

Then I'll send them over to you.

Uh, firstly, babe, there won't be any where I look like shit because...

And B, why don't you just bring them over to my place

and we can look at them together?

Maybe we're naked.

Oh...

Hard no. Thank you again, Jamie.

Smart move.

Excuse me?

I have to hang out with that prick.

The fact that you would choose to be with him

is frankly mind-blowing.

I'm not with him. We broke up.