The Office

Dunder Mifflin. This is Rolando.

Oh, yes. She's been expecting your call.

Yeah?

Karen? He's on line 1.

Thanks, Ro.

Hey. We finally connected. How's Scranton?

I am the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Utica branch.

Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot

and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.

Look, all I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity

and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay?

Okay. Bye.

Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay?

This is perfect.

He looks like your twin.

This is a dummy, à la Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door.

When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down,

Hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring.

Now, nobody knows whether I am here or whether I am gone.

I'll know. But you will not tell anyone.

I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky.

Well... Yeah!

...sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan. Or Darryl.

Yes.

Oh, good, good. Stanley. First victim.

This is what I want you to do.

Go out, come back in. We're gonna hide.

I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay?

I don't understand why sleeping at your desk

is better than you not being here.

Just go out and come back in.

I got an offer from Utica for more money. And I'm going to take it.

What?

Hi, everyone, can I have your attention, please?

I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us

because our old friend, Karen from Utica,

is going to give him more money to work there.

Okay. No. No, no, no!

No! You completely misinterpreted my tone!

This is a horrible thing.

Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.

Oh, I don't think that's what's happening.

Okay, well, smarty pants, then why?

Why is she trying to take Stanley from us?

I think it's because of my sales record.

That could not possibly be it.

You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office.

Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary.

The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles,

the smile, those big, watery, red eyes.

I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.

And if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley,

they have another thing coming.

How can I get you to stay? Money.

Yeah. We all want money.

But there is none in the budget. So,

tell me why you're really leaving.

Money.

Mo' money, mo' problems, Stanley.

You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were...

Money. Okay.

Oscar, did you bring it?

To be Edwardian. His best work.

Okay. Well, I have the tablecloth. Don't forget the flatware.

Sure thing, Pam. Can't wait.

Oscar, Toby and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club.

We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture

in a very civilized way.

Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful.

There is no paper, no plastic and no work talk allowed.

It's very exclusive.

Besides having sex with men,

I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

So tell me again why I can't be a part of your club?

Because some people think that you

monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny.

Oscar? Some people.

Hello?

Filippellers! How are they hanging?

Michael. Michael. To the left? To the right?

Listen, I'm... Okay, enough small talk. Go ahead.

You called me.

Yes. Listen.

Um...

You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this.

I'm pretty sure his family is coming with him.

No, his work family.

Look, this is very hard for me, but I am going to give you my best man.

You may have Toby.

Toby's not a salesperson.

You can train him. He's very, very smart and funny and charming.

You know, I can't do it. Toby is the worst.

That was a bluff. Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys,

I am going to poach one of yours.

Ooh. Goodbye, Michael.

Okay. Goodbye.

Wait! Wait! Karen!

Could you transfer me to one of your salespeople, please? Your best one.

I have Ben Nugent on the line. He is the top salesman in Utica.

Hi, Ben. Michael Scott. Hi, Michael.

I am going to cut right to the chase here.

Do you like magic? Because I am a genie in a bottle

and I am going to grant you three wishes,

to move to Scranton, to have a great job and to be my best friend.

Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car?

Get out.

Yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby.

Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden.

Didn't everyone from Stamford quit like immediately?

No, I fired them and you're next.

So, what do you say?

Seriously?

What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame.

Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like Animal House.

Found him! Jim! We're getting crapped on.

Word is our branch sucks and we have to do something about it.

So what are you going to do? What are we going to do?

We are going to make a monster sale is what we're going to do.

Corcoran dropped Staples. Did they?

Yes, they did. Oh, yes they did and we are going to murder it.

You, me, Dwight are going to jump in my PT Cruiser, we are going to crush this sale.

We are going to prove... What the hell is that music?

It's Vivaldi. For Finer Things.

That's the problem. That's the problem.

We need rock n' roll, Pam. Rock n' roll. All right?

Oh, my God.

That's why people are leaving.

I...

I have no words.

We just passed the exit for Corcoran.

What? What? We did?

Surprise! Yeah!

Look at his face! Look at his face!

What are we doing? Egg dripping.

So psyched.

What are doing, Dwight? What are we doing?

Oh, well, gee, Jim, I don't know. I guess there's no sales call today.

We are going on a panty raid to Utica is what we're doing.

We're going to Utica? Uh-huh!

I'm not going to Utica right now. Yes, you are. Oh, buckle up, Jim.

No. We are going to make Karen wish

that she had never been dumped by you.

Utica! Utica! Utica! Utica! Utica! Utica!

Utica. Utica.

In your face! Yow!

I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend.

Are you calling Karen? No, I'm not calling Karen.

He's lying. Yeah. Get it.

What are you doing? Stop it! Dwight!

Are you kidding me?

No communication with the outside world, Jim.

Had to be done. It had to be done.

Well, that kind of sucks

because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it.

So...

Oh, that is too bad. Shoot.

Okay. Hey, Dwight, he found it.

You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here.

All right. You're going to miss the best prank ever.

All right. Wait, what are you planning on doing?

Do you really want to know?

Oh, God.

Follow me. Come here. Here's what we brought.

We brought uniforms from the warehouse.

I brought Silly String.

Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs.

Or real bombs. No, no. Not real bombs.

Yeah, come on. It will be so bad ass.

Oh, maybe. I don't know. I don't know.

It could be bad ass. It will. No. No.

Yeah, it will. No, absolutely we're not doing this.

Come on. I already filled the bottles with the gas. It's going to be so bad ass.

Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this in the trunk the whole time?

Teach her to offer Stanley more money.

So, the deal was Dwight doesn't blow anything up and I wear a costume.

And a mustache.

So, why did you and Karen break up?

Was it the sex? What?

I can't imagine the sex being bad.

I mean, her body is awesome. Okay, you know what?

Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about?

Okay, I will start. A.

A, my name is Alan and my wife's name is Alice

We live in Alaska and we sell...

Damn it. What can we sell?