The Carmichael Show

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Thank you for that French toast, Mama.

Freedom toast, Bobby.

Joe, when are you gonna let that go?

There's nothing more American than holding onto a grudge.

Look, either way, it was a powerful breakfast,

because I was powerful hungry.

You know, that's how Huck Finn a-a-and Tom Sawyer used to talk.

It was "powerful" this, "powerful" that.

You know, I'm reading the classics now.

Bobby, you were supposed

to read those books while yowere in school.

Oh, but I was supposed to read them in summer school, too,

but here we are.

Hey.

Hey, y'all.

Sorry we're late.

Yeah, you guys are not gonna believe what happened.

So, we were getting ready to leave,

and Jerrod's car had a flat tire...

Well, so far, that is very believable, Maxine.

...and Jerrod said that he didn't want to be bothered

with changing it so I said, "I'll change it,"

and you know what he did?

He laughed in my face.

Maxine, I told you, I only laughed 'cause

I found it really, really funny.

It is funny!

That's funny, right?

Yeah, Maxine,

Danica Patrick doesn't even change her own tires.

Why is the notion of me changing a tire so absurd?

Come on, Maxine, don't make us say it out loud.

Say what?

Ah, it feels like a trap.

Yeah, that's not something you want to say out loud.

You know, that's like all the thoughts that go through

your mind when you're talking to a little person.

Yeah.

Am I missing something?

They're saying a woman shouldn't change a tire.

- Yup, that's it. - Yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty much what we're saying, yeah, yeah.

Maxine, why did you make me

say that sexist thing out loud?

It don't feel good.

Yeah, Maxine, it's 2016.

How dare you make my mama say something like that.

Just not cool.

Yeah, it's 2016, Bobby,

men and women should be treated equally.

Do men and women really want to be treated equally?

Okay, now,

there's this guy at work, we call him Big Mike.

Now there's a woman at work who's even bigger than Mike,

and one day I called her Big Sherry,

almost lost my damn job.

See, you get around women, you got to be delicate.

Wow, I can't believe how you guys are sounding,

especially you, Jerrod, because you don't believe

that women are delicate flowers

who are supposed to be kept in their place.

Yeah, well, it sounds horrible when you say it like that.

Now had you said that men are better suited at certain tasks

than women, I would have given you one of these.

What?

You know, some people would say

not letting a woman fix a tire is chivalrous.

And I'm one of those people.

The sexiest thing a man can do for me

is to tell me to sit down.

Yeah, okay, but there is a difference

between chivalry and sexism.

Yeah, but it's hard to see that difference, Maxine.

Chivalry and sexism are, like, Olsen twins similar.

I can't believe how crazy this sounds.

I mean, you're making it sound like we live in the '50s

where all the woman does is cook and clean while the man

just sits there and rubs his stomach.

Is this what déjà vu is?

Look, Maxine, I'm just saying

that we kind of have our own roles.

Like, when's the last time you took out the garbage?

You don't do that 'cause you're a man,

you do that 'cause it's what you like to do.

Yeah, I'm not complaining, but it's just what we do.

I take out the garbage and then you do the laundry.

Yes,

I do the laundry,

but I only do it because if you did it

you would mix all the colors together,

and you'd shrink everything in the dryer.

Of course, I don't like reading those little tags, and plus

I don't believe in segregation of any kind.

Well, I don't cook.

I know you don't cook.

I mean, wouldn't be mad at you if you did, though.

- Mm-hmm. - I mean, is that asking for too much?

I'm just saying, look, Maxine,

we have different roles.

I mean, w-who-who's the one that always loads the dishwasher?

Because you never rinse the dishes first.

What's the point of having a dishwasher

if you've got to rinse off the dishes?!

We have a system that works, all right?

I like it, you like it, what's the problem?

I don't like being told a woman's place, Jerrod, and

for the record, the men in this family aren't particularly manly

at all.

Why, I never.

Oh, come on, Joe.

Look, your favorite actor is Sandra Bullock,

and, Bobby,

you cry more than any woman I have ever met in my life.

Well, look here, Maxine,

if you're trying to make me cry, it's too late.

I cried a bunch of tears this morning.

Yeah, and, Jerrod,

you have the arms of a person who's been battling

a heroin addiction for the last ten years.

- Now that is not true. - Thank you.

A heroin addict has veins and definition.

If anything, my son has the arms of a snowman.

No, no,

Mama, I don't-I don't about that.

I mean, I've seen snowmen with some big branches on them.

Maxine,

who you think built this roof over your head?

- Me and my sons. - That's right.

You reshingled half the roof about ten years ago,

so I don't know what you're bragging about.

Now, Mama, that was the hottest summer on record.

You wanted us to die up there?

Yeah, see, Cynthia, they're not as manly as they claim.

I'm not taking sides.

I'm just saying I want my roof finished.

Well, you know what, Ma,

maybe today is the day that we finish the roof.

Oh, you're gonna... you're gonna fix the roof?

Yes, yes, I'm gonna fix the roof, Maxine.

It's a man's job.

Let's not be so civil that we deny reality.

There are men's jobs.

Let me ask you a question.

If you're walking down the street,

you saw a building being built

by an all female construction crew,

would you go in that building?

Of course. That's a stupid question.

Please. There's no way you're gonna risk your life

for feminism, Maxine.

That settles it.

The Carmichael men are gonna finish the roof!

- Yes. - Ooh, a battle

of the sexes. That's right, Mama,

we're about to give you broads the business.

Bobby!

Sorry about that. I just love challenges.

Not only are we gonna fix the roof,

but we'll do so before you can have a chance

to change that flat tire.

Oh, so you're allowing me to fix the tire now?

Maxine, not only am I allowing you to fix the time,

I'm timing it.

Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!

Come on, "on like Donkey Kong"?

You're gonna embarrass me in front of my mama like that?

Come on, Cynthia, we can do this.

"It's on like Donkey Kong"?

What the hell was that, Maxine?

I got caught up in the moment. Let's move past it.

Look, I need a ride, 'cause we Ubered here.

Mm-mm, I just sat down... I ain't gettin' up.

Come on, Cynthia. We need to prove

to these men that women can do anything men can do.

Pass.

I'll give you a hundred bucks.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Wasting time with all this feminist jargon!

Show me the money!

Oh, "on like Donkey Kong" is bad,

but "show me the money" is okay?

No. I'm not quoting anybody.

I mean, actually show me the money.

This is a great day to stand on the roof.

Day like this

makes me want to grab one of you boys,

hold you up, and show you off to the neighborhood like Simba.

Guess it's pretty obvious

which one of you'd be Simba.

Yep. Thank you, Daddy.

Yeah, you do feel

pretty powerful up he... Oh! Spider web.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You feel real powerful up here.

You know, just make you want to...

All right, before you do any repair job,

it's important that you got the proper equipment.

Failure to do so can and will get both of y'all killed.

So let's do a checklist. Hammer!