Two and a Half Men

Call now. Operators are standing by.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

What are you doing?

I'm calling them.

Don't you want to be able to scramble an egg

while it's still in the shell?

Okay...

new rule-- you can't drink while we watch cable television.

You won't say that when you get

a blanket with sleeves for Christmas.

Hi, Jake.

Hmm.

Can I offer you

some fruit and cheese?

You can, but I won't eat it.

Okay.

So what's new?

How's your girlfriend?

That's kind of personal, isn't it?

Sorry. I'm just curious.

Why, you writing a book?

Yeah, it's called The Day Jake's Uncle Kicked His Ass.

Whatever.

Oh, no, don't go.

We so enjoy your company.

Did I do something wrong?

Yeah, you anthropomorphized him.

What?

It means treating something

that's not human as if it is.

You know, like you do with your cat.

Which frankly, makes more sense.

I'm starting to think Jake resents me.

See? You're still doing it.

Look, you can't take it personal.

He's a teenager.

You know, that awkward stage between junior high

and methadone clinic.

I just want to get to know him better.

I already know him.

Trust me, you're not missing anything.

Come on, there's got to be something

underneath that sullen exterior.

Yeah, a "D" student with a perpetual boner.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ginzu knives.

* Men.

Kind of like high school, huh?

I never did this in high school.

Really? Sex in a car?

You're kind of built for it.

Oh, what the heck is this?

Oh, Jake's retainer.

He lost this years ago.

This cost me like, $500.

Anyway...

No, this is not working for me.

Want another wine cooler?

No, I want to be in a real bed.

Well, what do you want me to do?

You won't stay at Charlie's.

How can I go back there

after his fiancee called me a tramp?

Oh, come on, she didn't mean it.

That was just heat of the moment

when she found out you'd slept with Charlie.

It doesn't bother you, does it?

Well, yeah, yeah, a bit, you know,

but beggars can't be choosers.

And I love you.

No, not here.

Well, then where?

I'd be more than happy to go back to your place

if you could just get past that little incident with your mother.

Little incident?

I caught you in bed with her!

Boy, you are just going to keep harping on that, aren't you?

Why don't we just got to a hotel?

Uh, well, we could, but wouldn't that feel kind of cheap?

I'll tell you what feels kind of cheap-- you.

What are you doing?

I'm getting out of here.

What-what, you're gonna walk home?

Well, it's not far, Alan.

You didn't want to waste the gas, remember?

Pardon me for being green.

Good-bye.

Oh, come on, Melissa!

Let's not ruin a beautiful evening!

I already broke the seal on the condom!

All right, all right.

All right, you win, you win.

I'll take you to a cheap motel.

Oh, great. Stand up

and put your hands behind your head.

Uh, I can explain this.

Hands behind your head!

This is not what it looks like.

I-I-I was just chasing this girl

who jumped out of my car.

Oh...

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

You got a minute?

I'm practicing.

Yeah, well, take a pause for the cause.

What?

Take five.

Five what?

Just shut up and listen to me!

You have a problem with Chelsea?

No.

So what's with the attitude?

What attitude?

I just don't consider fruit and cheese an acceptable snack.

I don't care. You were rude.

Kettle corn-- that's a snack.

That's not the point.

Nachos-- that's a proper use of cheese.

All right, all right, listen to me.

You're hurting Chelsea's feelings

and I need you to make an effort to be nicer to her.

Hey, it's not my problem

if your girlfriend's oversensitive.

Yeah, it kind of is.

If you guys can't get along, then one of you has got to go.

And guess who that's going to be?

Why? Just 'cause you sleep with her?

Good for you. Why do people think you're stupid?

'Cause of my grades.

Actually, I'm an underachiever.

Just be nice to Chelsea, all right?

Fine.

Well, that was uncalled for.

Just F.Y.I., your son's a moron.

No, he's an underachiever.

Where have you been?

Had a date with Melissa.

How'd it go?

She broke up with me

and I may have to register as a sex offender.

Well, as long as you had fun.

Charlie, do you have any idea

how difficult it is to maintain a relationship

when you don't have a place of your own?

Alan, if I didn't have a place of my own,

I'd be worried about more important things than a relationship.

Like, you know, getting a place of my own.

So, you're saying I'm not entitled to a relationship?

No, I'm saying if you can't afford dog food

you don't get a dog.

Oh, great, so I'm just supposed to be

alone for the rest of my life?

No, you're supposed to get your own freakin' place!

Just 'cause you keep saying it, doesn't mean it's gonna happen.

* Men.

How's the French toast, Jake?

It's bread dipped in eggs.

You can't really screw it up.

It's fine.

It's the best damn French toast

I've ever had in my whole freakin' life.

Now stop kicking me.

Okay, guys, I'll see you later.

Oh, you're working on a Sunday?

Well, kind of.

Since my brother and I are both extremely anxious

for me to get my own place--

me, because I'd like a sense of autonomy,

and him, because he's a spiteful turd--

um...

I have found a way to earn some extra money.

Great. Put me down for three boxes of Thin Mints

and some Peanut Butter Sandies.

Ah, Girl Scout cookies? I like those Samoas.

I'm not selling cookies, Jake.

Oh...

Then what are you selling?

It better not be your liver-- I got dibs.

Hello.

Where is my new assistant?

Oh, you didn't.

Morning, all.

Here, darling, put this on.

Ooh, snazzy. Do I get to keep it?

No, but if this works out, I'll sell it to you at cost.

You're going to work for Mom?

What else am I supposed to do?

I don't know, some job that lets you keep your self-respect.

Like, you know, man whore...

Dog de-wormer...

Outhouse inspector.

Morning, Charlie. Hey, Mom. How are you?

Laxative tester, horse inseminator.

I'm going to work weekends with Mom selling real estate,