Kevin Can Wait

They're totally gonna buy house number two.

I love ya... Look at me, I do...

But sometimes, you're dumb as a potato.

They're buying house number one, no question.

I got 10 bucks that says you're wrong.

Say goodbye to your allowance.

Looks like this beachcomber couple

is gonna dig their toes into the sand

at house number... two.

Are you kidding me? Emily said she didn't want the beach house.

I mean, Scott's making her do this.

I can't belie... This is gonna ruin the marriage.

I can't...

When you have it, old man.

Wait a second.

Is Scott wearing clogs?

I feel like I hated this guy before.

Is this a repeat?

Yes. I've seen it twice... Once with you.

I love ya, but sometimes, you're dumb as a potato!

So, you're saying, I-I can be home,

Vanessa can be at her place, and we can play backgammon

on our phones at the same time?

Yep.

Wow. Technology is cray-cray.

Cray-cray indeed. You're all set.

Welcome to 2003.

Okay, wait.

Is this really what you're gonna do all weekend,

is just play on your phones?

Hey, his idea.

Yeah, and I'm watching the World Series.

Wait. Isn't that in October?

He re-watches the '86 World Series over and over again,

just to see the Mets win.

Doesn't that get boring?

No. No, it does not.

It's new to him every time.

It's like how a dog gets excited every time its owner comes home.

Hey. It's cute.

I watch it to unwind.

- I have a very stressful job. - You do security.

I mean, last week, you were checking receipts

at a toy store.

Yeah, that's right. I am the gatekeeper

of that place.

My highlighter doesn't hit that receipt,

ain't nobody's goin' nowheres.

Hey, Kendra, you want to bring my lady another Cosmo

and some of those, uh, zucchini sticks?

You have a girlfriend?

Yeah. I mean, haven't you guys been wondering

why I haven't been around the last six weeks?

- Not really. - Yeah, I haven't even noticed.

Ah. You know what, Vanessa?

I'm sure this is a hard pill to swallow.

I always felt like you had a little thing for me.

Nope. Never had a thing.

Well, maybe not a thing thing, but, you know, feelings.

Nope. Zero feelings.

Anyway, where'd you meet her, guy?

Ah, you know, this new dating app.

It's... It's all the rage.

Oh, is that the one where your best friend

chooses the date for you?

Yeah. My buddy Mugsy down at the firehouse found Annie.

You guys should try it.

I'm sorry, but I don't need an app to... to find a date.

Just feels a little sweaty.

Ha. Jealousy is a terrible disease.

- Get well soon. - Ah!

I'm... I'm not jealous. I'm just telling you.

Okay, yeah, well, I'm here with a girl,

you know, on a nice date,

and you're here watching a spelling bee on TV.

Oh, and FYI... fat kid with the freckles wins.

Oh, come on!

It's the finals. I wait for this all year.

You know, guys, that app doesn't sound like a bad idea.

I have some friends that have tried it, and it really works.

Come on. Your friends know you better than you know yourself.

I don't want your dad picking a date for me.

I mean, a charcoal grill, maybe.

A padded shoe insert, yes.

But not a soul mate.

Oh, ple... I would find you an incredible guy.

Really? Okay, you think you could do better for me

than I could do for myself?

100%, but I'm not... I... We don't need an app.

I say we kick it old-school.

We do it face-to-face in a bar,

where you're supposed to find love.

All right. Mama ain't hating this.

Yeah. There's some talent here. I like it.

Yeah.

Also, a lot of wood and leather.

Dig that, 'cause it's not gonna clash with the outfit.

Shamone.

- Let's do this. You ready? - Okay. Yep.

W-What are... What are... What are you doing with your face?

Just my look from back in the day.

You know, just a dangerous guy with a lot on his mind.

You keep them guessing.

Okay, knock it off.

You look like you're about to pass a stone.

Just act normal. Stop it.

Let's just go to the bar and come up with a plan.

- So, let's get... - Easy, easy.

- Let's get a beer. - All right.

How you doing?

- Good. How are you folks? - Good.

I'm Dash. Tell me about your palate.

Uh, my palate would like a beer.

Two.

You must think I'm a bartender.

I'm not. I'm a mixologist.

I don't serve drinks. I invent them.

Look, I-I know you probably have to do that,

but let's cut the crap and get me a couple beers.

Sure.

Great. Open a tab.

You got it.

Oh, what about her?

- Thank you. - Okay.

- Businesswoman. - Mm-hmm.

Serious all day, comes home at night,

shakes the hair out, and it's like,

"Whoa, what happened to Margaret?"

- I like it. - Okay.

- Let's do it. - All right. Now, listen,

as your wingman, I will introduce you.

Okay, fine. Just so you know, though,

my... my code word is "Montauk."

- Code word? - Yeah.

If I'm not into her, I'm gonna say "Montauk"

and you... you get me away from her.

- I'm not here to break hearts. - Okay.

- Let's do it. - All right.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hi. My name is Vanessa.

I-I just wanted to introduce you to my friend Kevin.

- Nice to see you. - Yeah.

Uh, can I buy you a drink?

Excuse me? I work at a top-three accounting firm.

I don't need a man to buy me anything.

Uh, I-I-It was just a drink.

No, it isn't. It's an expectation, a contract.

It's not about a drink, it's about power.

We should probably get going.

We got a long drive back to Montauk.

Look, I wasn't gonna come over here,

but your energy just pulled me in.

I really feel like our, uh, chakras could align.

Hmm.

You know, I think I left my chakra in Montauk.

And I save a fortune by making my own deodorant.

Stings a little, but in the end...

check it out.

Montauk.

Sure, I'm still part-time at the bank,

but I'm mostly focused on my hip-hop career.

Spittin' mad rhymes.

Mm.

Anything that rhymes with Montauk?

Sorry, yo.

Thank you, Kim. That's a very generous offer.

Um, I've never seen a falcon eat a family of mice before,

but, uh, this Saturday, I actually have plans in Montauk,

so I'm not gonna be able...

What the...

Montauk.

A lot of people think throwing a shot put isn't glamorous.

It is.

Montauk.

Oh, there he is.

Hey, what are you up to there, Ky-Ky?

Uh, just having a beer.

Okay, well, she looks like she's running a little low.

Let me set you up. Can we get him another one?

- Yeah. - Thanks.

So, let me guess.

You went to a bar, you struck out miserably,

and now you want help with the dating app?

Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Look, we downloaded the app,

but we need a current member to vouch for us.

Yeah, well, I'd do it, but right now, I'm a little "sweaty."

Okay, stop being a baby. Would you just hook us up, please?

All right, fine. But you got to say this...

"Kyle, help me find love."

Okay, that's not happening.

- Just say it. - No. No.

He... Why don't you say it?

He didn't ask me.

Okay, yeah, you want me to say it?

Or I could do this.

I could tell Vanessa a couple of the stories

that... nobody knows about Kyle,

like the fact that he got his first underarm hair

when he was 35, and it came in gray.