Joe DeRosa: You Let Me Down

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate you all being here. Thank you.

Thank you all for being here, especially the guy that was doing

the Arsenio "hoot-hoot-hoot."

It's good to see you, Los Angeles.

I'd like to tell you something I miss dearly,

and that was the ability to punch people in the face.

I really do wish that was still a part of the culture that we could do.

It went out before I was old enough to do it.

And I miss it,

because I think a lot of people need to be punched

in the fucking face.

I was working at an Indian casino recently.

And on the grounds of the casino was a golf course,

and there was a little path that went all through the course.

And I was just walking on it, trying to get some air,

and I guy pulled up on a cart, you know,

and he goes, "Hey, hey, you can't walk here.

You can't walk here."

And I go, "No, I can, it's a path.

That's what you do on a path."

And he goes, "No, these are golf cart only paths,"

which I thought was adorable.

Isn't that adorable?

They need a pretend street for their play cars.

You fucking child.

This dickhead is acting like it's sacred out there.

"You can't--no, this is for golfers only.

"Can't, this is our sanctum. You can't walk here unless you're"--

This isn't sacred. Your golf course isn't sacred.

I'll tell you what was sacred

was the Indian ground they desecrated to build this piece of shit.

This isn't sacred, okay?

So fuck you and your fake sport.

Any sport where you can use a car is a fake sport.

You have to be in shape to play sports.

Are you allowed to have a gut in any other sport besides--

They all have guts, because they drink and eat too much at the clubhouse.

We all know why you're out there, golfers.

Stop acting like you're doing it for the love of the game.

You hate your family, and that's why you're there.

Do what the rest of us do. Go to a bar, okay?

Own it.

I don't understand the reverence for sports.

I don't get it, and maybe because I never played sports.

I don't know.

You know, you see it a lot when the Olympics happen.

Man, people lose their mind over the Olympics.

And I know Olympians work their asses off.

They work their asses off. And I'll say this, in all fairness.

Never have so many people worked so incredibly hard

for so incredibly long to do a thing

that I don't give a shit about at all.

Couldn't care less.

Fake sports, once again.

It's people throwing shit. I don't care.

"I threw a stick." Whatever, who cares?

People love it, man.

People go, "Do you know how few people in the world can do that?

Do you know how few people are experts at that?"

I don't give a shit.

Do you know how few people can do astrophysics?

I don't want to watch it for three hours on a Sunday.

It's boring dork shit to me.

And the Olympics are so loved.

The Olympics are so loved, they celebrate and commend bad sportsmanship.

Last Summer Olympics, there was a women's running race,

and at the end of the race, one of the women

dove over the finish line to win.

And the people I was watching it with,

they were like, "Did you see that?

Did you see that commitment right there?"

No, I saw cheating is what I just saw.

She just cheated blatantly to win the race.

"No, that's called commitment."

Nobody has ever said, "Man, Mike Tyson, wow,

"what commitment he showed when he bit that guy's ear off.

"That was amazing.

Yeah, these other boxers are lazy."

And it's all for what? What's it all for in the Olympics?

"I won a gold medal."

Okay.

What do you plan on doing with that?

Tell you what you should do with it.

You should sell it.

You're gonna need money to feed yourself.

You have no job skills.

You've been dicking around on an ice-skating rink for the last 13 years.

Yeah.

You're worthless.

Can't even get hired at Wendy's. Worthless.

"I'd like to work here at Wendy's. I am a gold medal winner."

"Great, can you work a grill?

"No? "Get the fuck out of here. You're worthless."

You really see people go nuts, man,

when one of these Olympians fucks up.

That's how you can tell people are way, way too obsessed with the Olympics.

And one of these Olympians fucks up every four years.

Most recently, we had Ryan Lochte, right?

Ryan Lochte peed at the gas station outside

and lied to the cops, whatever.

I refuse to learn what he did. I hate it.

And people were freaking out.

They were freaking out.

"Can you believe that an Olympian acted like that?

Can you believe?"

Yes!

They're professional athletes.

All professional athletes are fucking assholes.

Are you really that surprised?

Why does everybody act surprised when an Olympian--

They protested Ryan Lochte

when he was on "Dancing with the Stars."

They didn't even protest fucking Paula Deen

when she was on "Dancing with the Stars."

People lose their minds. "I can't believe he acted that"--

Let me tell you something. The same thing that made Lochte win the gold medal

is the same thing that made him act that way.

And here's what it is. If you achieve in any field at the top of that field,

no matter what your field is--

sports, acting, music, comedy, doesn't matter--

whatever it is, if you achieve

and get to the top of your field,

you're a piece of shit, okay?

You're a piece of shit.

Never try to achieve, ever.

It makes you a bad person.

We live in Hollywood.

You know what I'm saying is true right now.

You know what I'm saying is true.

It makes you a bad person.

Doesn't matter what the field is.

How many of you work in an office, right?

Right? Would you ever want to hang out

with the guy that owns your office?

No, he's a fucking dickhead.

That's why he owns the office.

You're not a boss unless you're a douchebag, okay?

It's an unarguable rule.

Even if you just want to be the boss,

you're a fucking douchebag.

"I think I could run this place."

Congrats, you're a fucking douchebag.

Never come to happy hour with us ever again.

That's where I get mad. I'll tell you, that's where I get annoyed

when I hear, like, the gender argument with bosses, you know?

Sometimes a female boss will go,

"Well, once I became the boss, everybody said I was a bitch."

Now, that is true, okay?

We are all quietly calling the female boss "bitch," okay?

But we're also quietly calling the male boss "cocksucker."

We don't like the boss.

Dick or vagina, bitches and cocksuckers,

they all fucking suck, okay?

I'm supposed to believe that Donald Trump and Steve Jobs are pricks

but Hillary Clinton and Oprah are just misunderstood?

No, no.

They're all assholes.

People can't believe it, though, with Olympians, man. Oh, they can't--

They called it "Lochte-gate."

That's how upset people-- Lochte-gate.

Can we please take the suffix "-gate" back

for real scandals again?

Jesus Christ, it comes from Watergate,

when the president instructed his employees

to break into a hotel and steal classified documents.

That's a fucking -gate, okay?

Not this meatheaded jerk-off taking a piss

at an Exxon station in Brazil.

People can't believe it, man. People can't believe it.

When any Olympian, they freak out.

They did it with Phelps, right?

"Can you believe Michael Phelps smokes weed?

Can you believe it?"

He should smoke weed.

Drugs make athletes better.

It's been proven over and over and over again.

In fact, if you're such a fan of Michael Phelps,

you should be aggravated that he's such a pussy,

he only smokes weed, okay?

Yeah, if he did some hard shit,

he'd probably bring a few more medals home.

I bet you on that.

The only Olympic scandal I ever had any respect for was Tonya Harding.

That was the only one.

I respected Tonya Harding, I did,

because she said, "Who's my competition? "Her?

Here's a pipe, go break her fucking kneecaps."

Yeah.

That took balls.

That took balls.