Australian Lockdown Comedy Festival - First Season

Like everyone,

comedians have been shut inside their houses

with no venues, no gigs and no-one to listen to their jokes.

- Until now. - (DOORBELL)

We've dropped off cameras

to the biggest names in Australian comedy.

All they have to do is press 'record'

and make us laugh from inside their homes.

With a fresh line-up every week,

we're bringing a homemade, sterilised,

socially distant comedy festival to your place.

And it kicks off with your first MC, Dave Hughes!

Hey, it's Dave Hughes here and this is a bit weird

but I mean everything's weird right now.

We've been in lockdown for I don't know how long.

Who knows how long it's gonna last.

But you know what?

No live comedy is the most annoying thing

for the comedians of Australia

so someone had the bright idea

to send cameras to comedians' houses

and film them doing comedy at home.

Guys, could just be a bit quiet just for a minute. Seriously.

Ah, so here we are.

It's the Lockdown Comedy Festival.

Some of Australia's best and most unemployed comedians

are gonna be doing comedy for you!

The bathroom. This is my happy place.

I might just shut the door.

How long can I stay here?

Anyway, here's your first brilliant act,

coming all the way from his own home!

It's Tom Ballard!

And that's the story of King Lear.

The End.

Oh! Sorry.

Just being productive. Pause for laugh.

I'm bummed about the fact that the Melbourne Comedy Festival

isn't happening this year.

My show was going to be so good.

I had all these funny stories, you know.

Stories like the one about the time

I had gay sex with a witch.

No, just kidding, guys. There are more details.

Last year, I had gay sex with a witch.

I just love that sentence.

I had gay sex with a witch. It should be a vocal warm-up.

I had gay sex with a witch. I had gay sex with a witch.

Which witch? The witch with which I had gay sex.

I had sex with this guy and he identifies as a witch

and, yes, people, men can be witches. It's 2020, alright?

I'm sick of this,

"Only women are witches, only men are wizards."

That's very binary, yeah? Magic is a spectrum.

Doesn't matter if you're a witch or a wizard

or a sorceress or a crone or a demon,

I will fuck you.

I first met the witch in Edinburgh, in Scotland,

which is a very witchy city.

In fact, the witch worked at the local witchcraft emporium

during the day.

At night he worked at a food truck van called Burger Crunch.

Ugh!

So, we start flirting at this burger van

and I asked him for a drink

and then we start talking about astrology

and he asked me if I'm a Sagittarius

and I said, "No, I'm vaccinated."

And then I asked him back to my place and he said yes

and he told me he was a practising witch.

And I'll be honest, I was very nervous.

Up until this point,

I'd exclusively had sex with Muggles.

Well, I gave a hand job to a warlock once,

but, hey, that's a Rainbow Serpent, am I right, people?

You know what I'm like -

give me enough MDMA, I'll finger a druid!

He was very good-looking, by the way.

Like, he was hot.

And the hotness helped me deal with the witchiness.

That was the level of hotness. That he was like witch-hot.

I'm not witch-hot.

I'm not hot, I'm not ugly. Fine.

If you were considering having sex with me

and I told you I was a witch, you'd go,

"I'll probably leave it."

THIS isn't worth dealing with all that.

This guy was witch-hot.

He wasn't Nazi-hot - that's very rare.

Nazi-hot, very rare.

Chris Hemsworth is Nazi-hot.

If I got to fuck Chris Hemsworth and before we started he said,

"By the way, Tom, I'm a white supremacist,"

I'd say, "Ha-ha, you're funny, no talking!"

So I was nervous. I didn't know what I was gonna do.

I know what I would have done in my early twenties.

In my early twenties I was a New Atheist,

one of those obnoxious little shits who was like,

"You believe in God? That's fucking stupid. That's dumb.

"If you believe in God you're a stupid idiot. God's not real.

"You're a fucking stupid idiot, you arsehole."

Because a New Atheist is someone who doesn't believe in God

or social skills.

So if I'd met a guy in my early twenties

who said he was a witch I would've laughed

and spent an hour telling him why he was wrong.

But now, I'm 30 years old, life has worn me down

and when this witch told me he was a witch,

my reaction was, "You know what, mate,

"life's fucking hard, be a witch. Be a witch, witch it up.

"You're a witch, I'm a comedian, Donald Trump's the President,

"the world's on fire, let's have gay sex."

And that's what we did, people.

I really rode that man's broomstick.

He earned ten points for Gryffindor that night,

I tell you that much.

He really rammed that Basilisk fang

right into my Chamber of Secrets.

At the end he came on me and just for fun I was like,

"Oh, I'm melting, I'm melting!"

And we laughed and laughed.

Like this. (CACKLES)

And that's the story of the time I had gay sex with a witch.

Thanks very much for watching.

Now, please, get the fuck out of my house.

Oh, God, now it looks like you're wearing zinc cream.

For God's sake, what have you done to that?

- Have you done too much? - I'm not very good at this.

We're not allowed to have a professional make-up artist

for the comedy special lockdown, lockdown special

- so my wife is doing it. - Trying to.

I feel sorry for the make-up artists

who try and work with your skin regularly.

You need to exfoliate.

Well, they don't complain 'cause they're professionals.

They just get on with it.

Speaking of getting on with it,

here's your next superstar performer -

it's Becky Lucas.

I'm really missing weddings in lockdown.

I was going to a lot of weddings before we went into lockdown.

I'm at that age and I'm obsessed with bridesmaid speeches.

I reckon I can do every bridesmaid speech ever.

Here, watch.

Hi. I'm Kirsty and I'm really bad at public speaking

so please don't judge me.

Jess. What can I say?

How can I possibly sum up our friendship in one speech?

It's impossible. It can't be done.

But you asked me and so here goes.

Jess, when I first met you I didn't like you.

But wait. Hold on.

There's more.

Maybe it was your beauty, maybe it was your intelligence,

maybe it was the fact that you came to my school

and suddenly you were the popular one

but that day that I hurt my ankle at the sports carnival

and you walked beside me

and made sure that I finished that race

I knew that I had a friend for life.

We've done everything together, Jess.

We've cried together, we've laughed together,

we've drunk far too much wine and eaten far too much cheese

late into the night.

I'll never forget those random times.

Jess, you're fierce, you're strong,

you're capable, you're intelligent

and, as Matt knows, you are always right.

Two words. Chicken incident.

No, I won't go into it because there's family here

but for those who know, yeah, that happened.

Oooh!

Jess, you're amazing and, Matt, you are so lucky to have her.

You guys make each other so happy

so, everyone, please can we just raise our glasses

and toast to Jess and Matt?

I love you, Jess.

And then the next girl gets up.

Um, hi.

I'm Alison and, um,

Kirsty just said everything I was going to say

so I'm going to keep it short.

Um, Jess, I fucked Matt at the engagement party. I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.

This is a good wedding.

Why would we go? It's our friends' wedding.

Are you going to the bar? Get me one.

Yeah. I'm nearly done.

I just wish there was better music.

I don't know what this is.

I don't have to leave.

Like, I'd prefer something like that that's, like, about women.

I'm not leaving.

I'm not getting in the taxi, so you can ask someone else.

Is my lipstick OK?

Here we are. It's bin day at the Hughes' household...

I'll never forget when my wife looked at me

in the throes of passion one night and said,

"Have you put the bins out?"

God, that was hot!