Baby Daddy

Okay, I know you've only been gone a couple of days,

but look what you missed.

Emma, stick out your tongue.

Yeah.

Emma, blow a kiss.

- Amazing, right? - (Laughs) That's great!

All mom taught us how to do was the field sobriety test.

I'm telling you, I think she might be a genius.

What is wrong with the world?

Ben posted Emma doing that stupid tongue trick,

and it already has over 200 likes.

I change my status to "in a relationship with Ben Wheeler,"

and I only got one.

And grandpa Perrin likes everything.

Riley, you're the girl who cried "Ben."

I mean, you've posted that so many times,

no one believes you.

I know I don't.

Oh my God.

I'm Mindy.

Ooh, and I'm Darnell. I love role-play.

No! Mindy is a girl from my office

who finally landed the guy she's been chasing her whole life,

and then all of these horrible women ran this secret pool

betting on how soon they'd break up.

That's horrible.

How much did you win?

Almost $100.

- (Chuckles) - (Door opens)

Bonnie: All right!

Which one of you shiny-haired degenerates

stole my conditioner?

Says the woman in my bathroom

standing under my water

using my towels.

Did I use the word "my" enough?

'Cause I just don't think you're getting it.

Oh, I get it, you know, but you're just not getting rid of me.

I bought plenty more hair where this came from.

Danny: Hey, mom, looking good.

Ooh. Hey, is that your brother?

I wonder if he has an opinion on this.

No. No, there is only one brother whose permission you need to live here.

This one.

- Danny? Danny, Danny. - Give it to me. No.

Tell Tucker that the woman who carried all 14 lbs. Of you

inside of her body

for 11 months can stay in your room!

Hey! No! Give it.

You two might share D.N.A., but I share a wall with you.

If she doesn't get out, your secrets will.

Okay.

So, you homesick yet?

W-why would I be homesick when Paris is my new home?

I gotta go.

I think that went pretty well.

Totally.

Except for the part where you forgot to mention

that your girlfriend dumped you

before you even hit the ground in Paris,

and that you're actually in New York,

secretly crashing with your mom's ex-boyfriend.

S04E04 I See Crazy People

Okay. Last question.

"What is your idea of the perfect date?"

Is it, "a," a walk on the beach,

"b," dinner and a movie,

or, "c," a quiet night at home?

Which one ends with sex?

And it's "d," none of the above.

Which brings our compatibility score to a 10...

There you go! Perfect score.

I told you we were meant to be together.

Out of a hundred.

We failed.

Riley, please don't go there again.

Okay, first, we are shunned by social media...

- You're going there. - Then we failed

seven different quizzes written by experts.

- You're almost there. - And to top it all off,

I think the horrible women at work

are running a pool on me.

And you're there. Riley...

Come on, please.

Who cares what everyone else thinks?

All that matters is that we're together.

No, what matters is that

everyone is jealous that we're together.

Okay, mom, mom.

My mom agrees with me, don't you?

Yes, in my experience,

one kid is enough.

No. No, Riley is concerned

that we might not be entirely compatible.

Well, it's just she spent so many years building up

this relationship in her head that there's absolutely no way

it could ever live up to her expectations,

so there's really nowhere else to go but down.

Mom!

Why would you say that?

Sorry. It was a little unclear which way you wanted me to go.

We're doomed.

It's over. I mean, should we just end it now?

- No, it's not. It's fine. - What were we even thinking?

- Relax. Chill. You know what happens... - nobody thinks that we can...

Does this really work?

I mean, hello.

I have the pores of a baby.

A beautiful, beautiful baby.

But, Danny, we need to talk.

Okay, but can we wait until we take the masks off?

Because you're kind of freaking me out.

I have a new girlfriend,

and I'm not really set up for the whole "roommate" thing.

Don't worry. I get it.

Honestly, I don't think you do.

I need you to leave, Danny.

Okay. I'll just call one of my teammates...

Whose numbers are in my laptop.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

Well, actually, you need to go somewhere,

because I left it at my place.

But it's cool. You could just sneak in and get it.

Thanks in advance, bro.

I can't go there. What if I see your mom?

Bad things happen when I see your mom.

Also very good things, if you know what I mean.

I do, but I'm going to pretend like I don't.

- Uh-oh. - What's wrong?

Is it normal to be completely numb from the neck up?

Yes, that means you're almost done.

Now we're onto the teeth whitening.

Man, I love a project!

I'm telling you, now that we're in a relationship,

it's like she doesn't want to be in a relationship.

And who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me?

I should probably ask someone I haven't already dated. I'm sorry.

Uh-oh. Crazy in the courtyard.

What are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No shirt, no shoes, no psychic.

Oh, come on.

It's just a little card reading.

Who doesn't want to know their future, huh?

If you could actually see the future,

you'd see me throwing you out of here.

Oh, what's the harm?

I tell a few girls their lives are perfect,

they'll eventually meet the one,

no one gets hurt, and I can afford to get

a divorce from my husband

before he cheats on me next summer.

As always, it's a pleasure saying goodbye, mom.

Goodbye, mom.

You know, on second thought,

I think you and I might be able to come to an understanding.

- Hi. - Hi.

So I told my mom that you and I were back together,

and she asked me if I ever thought about getting my tubes tied.

Forget your mom. Maybe we should talk to an expert.

Oh, look! Here's one now.

Hi. Hi, I'm Ben.

This is my girlfriend, Riley, who's doubting our future together.

Ben, I'm not listening to some crazy fortune teller

who makes her living preying on gullible women.

- Okay? - Suit yourself.

But it looks like you two might actually be meant to be together.

Really?

Well, well, what else do the cards say?

Ben, sit down. It's important.

Love...

success...

- family. - Okay, let's reel it in.

I already have one kid, all right?

- Oh, this is not good. - Is it bad?

That's usually what "not good" means.

I see a big blowup

and a giant break in your future.

You got all that from a turkey holding up a beach ball?

I'm sorry.

The cards don't lie.

Did you hear that?

The cards don't lie.

Riley, she can't predict the future any more than I can.

Oh really? Well, here's a little prediction.

You might want to do something about your pipes.

My pipes?

I'll have you know my pipes are doing just fine.

Ben! The bathroom pipes just exploded.

There's water gushing everywhere.

Oh my God. We're doomed.

Oh, don't worry.

My brother's a plumber, he's already on his way.

Brad: Hello?

Tucker: I just need to know, Mr. Wheeler,

I mean, how did you get rid of her?

Really? I guess I can do that.

I tried it once in college.

All right, gotta go.

- Yeah. - That's my robe!