Desperate Housewives

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

A friend was welcomed back.

I told'em how much better you were doing.

A marriage was on the mend.

I would like to recapture what we once had.

Gaby and Carlos discovered a secret.

You are gettin' sloppy! And if people start pokin' around, we're done.

And Susan made a request.

You're asking if I'm okay with letting a stripper live with us.

The first thing you need to know about Robin Gallagher

was that everyone liked to look at her.

They would stare at her legs...

And her breasts...

And her hair.

And once they were done,

people would begin to ask...

Who is this?

- This is my friend Robin. - Hello there.

Mike had to work today, so I thought I'd bring her as my plus one.

- Hello there. - You already said that.

I wanted her to know I meant it.

It's really good to have you back on the Lane.

It's great to be back. I didn't know what to expect at first.

I have wondered how everyone would feel about me,

if they were really ready to welcome me back.

I guess there's always that fear

that people are going to reject you.

- Do I smell appetizers? - I know I do.

Hello, Susan!

Who's your new friend?

Robin, this is Carlos, Tom, Roy and Orson.

Hope you got all that, 'cause there's gonna be a quiz later.

So, Robin, welcome to my humble abode.

Thank you.

It's so suburban.

I've never been in a place where the ceilings were so tall.

Fascinating. Just fascinating.

- You live in the city? - I did,

but I'll be living with Susan for a while.

I just moved in today.

- Susan, let's get you a drink. - No, that's okay. I'll wait till...

So...

So how did you meet Susan?

So... you want to tell us about your new friend

or, should I say "roommate"?

She was down on her luck and she needed a place to stay.

Plus, I feel responsible, because I told her to give up her job.

What was wrong?

We probably don't need to let the guys in on this, but...

- Robin was... - That's wild!

So you used to be a stripper?

Yes...

Everyone liked to look at Robin Gallagher...

But not everyone

liked what they saw.

Par la Wisteria Team: MiniBen314, Jayson.Sosweet

Later, while the men of Wisteria lane were trying the shrimp,

their wives were trying to control themselves.

You moved a stripper into the neighborhood? What were you thinking?

You guys aren't even taking the time to get to know her.

Our husbands are pulling together their dollar bills.

- What more do we need to know? - I just met Robin,

- she seems great. - Did she mention that she's a stripper?

Did she have to?

I am just trying to help her get back on her feet.

I bet that'd be a nice change for her.

She's living in my house. If anybody should be worried,

it'd be me, and I am not threatened by her at all.

- Really? - Yes. She's a nice girl.

Nice, blonde, and you can bounce a quarter of her ass.

I'm telling you, she's trouble.

Here's a good thing... She can't bring any more crazy than I did.

- Let's give her a chance. - I agree.

Robin's probably had a tough life, and she needs our help.

I'm all for being open minded but I have teenage boys at home.

The last thing I need next door is a stripper.

Hey, Mrs. Scavo. We're picking up Parker for school.

Please come in. I'll get him for you.

You ever gonna get back to folding the laundry?

I thought I'd treat myself and wash the breakfast dishes first.

You started this. Don't you think you should finish?

Since you're so passionate about it...

Knock yourself out.

You just went from jerk

to adorable real quick.

Happy anniversary.

It's the ring! You went back to that antique shop.

Thank you!

Wait till you see your present.

You can unwrap it tonight when the kids are asleep.

Or how about after they leave for school?

Why are they still up there and why can't I hear them?

What's going on?

We're late for school.

The next time you take a shower, could you close your blinds?

I have a 16-year-old son,

and he has friends.

You may have retired, but you're still doing seven shows a week.

At least they didn't have to pay a cover charge, right?

This is a nice community.

You have a responsibility to the neighbors,

Especially the ones with innocent children.

They're not all so innocent.

Excuse me?

Yesterday that son of yours

asked me if I would have sex with him.

Parker?

My Parker?

Red hair, skinny,

still-sleeps-in-a-bed-shaped like-a-racecar Parker?

Of course I said no.

Then he offered me cash.

Come in.

Have a seat.

What's up?

Something wrong?

We hoped it would be another year

before we had the parent-son conversation

where we tell you not to offer your neighbor money for sex.

But...

Crap. She told?

You might want to pick a more discreet stripper next time.

What were you thinking? We raised you better than that.

- Didn't we? - We did.

We did. So... what do you have to say for yourself?

I just really, really, really...

Needed to have sex.

Three "reallys.

In that case, here's a $20. Go back and try again.

You are a 16-year-old boy.

We understand your hormones are holding your brain hostage,

but why would you need to pay for sex?

Because I'm the only one with my friends who hasn't lost his virginity.

First of all, we've seen your friends and trust me,

"pimples," "braces" and "beam me up, Scotty" are not gettin' any.

Girls don't look at me that way.

It's never gonna happen.

Knock it off!

You are a great kid!

You don't need to pay for it.

In a few years,

when you're emotionally ready,

you'll meet the right girl, and you will have tons of sex.

After you're married.

Okay, dad. Sorry.

Nice job.

Thank you.

You think he bought it?

Bought what?

You know.

Guys always pay for sex in some way...

Dinner, flowers...

Antique rings.

You think that's the only reason we're having sex tonight?

Of course not. It's our anniversary.

It's a given, like turkey on Thanksgiving.

Although I am hoping that the ring gets me an upgrade from missionary.

Forget about upgrades. You just got bumped off the flight.

Why are you getting so upset?

Because I didn't know I was married to such a cynical lug nut.

Are we really not gonna have sex tonight?

Don't worry, Tom.

In a few years, when you're emotionally ready,

you're gonna have tons of sex.

Come on!

So you really like that ring?

Did you read the inscription?

"To my darling..."

We're not having sex.

Come on.

Why not?

Because I am still upset by what you said.

Do you really think women only sleep with men if they buy them things?

I think supermodels sleep with 80-year-old millionaires

because they love to hear stories about when bread was 5 cents a loaf.

I'm not a model, and you're no millionaire,

so I'm thinking you owe me an apology.

You and I went to Marley's Tavern on our first two dates,

and I could barely get past a good night kiss.

But third time out, I dropped 200 bucks at La Rive Gauche,

and you finally put out.

Finally made love.

Listen, you idiot!

I did not "put out" because you bought me an expensive diner.

I did it because you showed up with a lightbulb

to replace the one that had burned out in the hallway to my apartment.

Remember?

You said I didn't live in the best neighborhood.

And I was worried about you.

I was ready to do you right then and there.

Really?

That's all it takes?

Me showing you I care?

'Cause that's easy.

And now it's time for your anniversary present.

Remember the other day when I told you this was a nice neighborhood?

I forgot to warn you... there's this one bitch

that lives right nearby,

and that would be me.

I understand.