The Odd Couple

Hey, Oscar.

Casey,

- you're back. - Hey.

I thought you were shooting a commercial in Madrid,

then a week in Turkey, then back on the 21st,

British Airways Flight 117.

Or something like that.

That was the plan,

but it got changed because of a war.

- Ugh, rude. - So I'm back,

but then off to London in the morning.

Oh, sounds like we have

just enough time for another date.

Oh, I'd love to, but I should probably

sleep off this jet lag.

Sleep? For jet lag?

That's, like, the worst thing you can do.

I'm glad you ran into me.

Oh, really? What would you suggest?

Well, your body needs a workout.

You really need to keep it moving.

So, like a run?

Yes, but with less vertical pressure on the knees.

What you're looking for is something high-intensity,

really get the heart pounding. Definitely indoors.

And maybe...

- maybe with a partner. - Huh.

It sounds like you're describing sex.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where'd that come from?

Wow, if this is your A-game, Madison,

you should be sent down to the minors.

A sports reference. God made you right.

Okay, we don't have enough time for a date,

but can I at least offer you a drink?

I do like to drink.

God, we have so much in common. Here, let me get that.

- Oh, thanks. - Wow, surprisingly light.

Oh, it's mostly bikinis.

- Oscar? - Yes, I'm Oscar!

- Hey, Felix. - Casey.

Oscar said you wouldn't be back until 8:35

- on the morning of the 21st. Just ignore him.

And whatever you do, don't ask him about the...

- Is that a vacuum cleaner? - ...vacuum cleaner.

Yes, I'm doing my monthly deep cleaning.

Did you know that the inside of the vacuum cleaner

is the dirtiest part of the home? And why?

Because all of the dirt from the home goes into the vacuum.

Ah.

- The more you know, huh? Let's get that cocktail. - Yeah.

This one's on its last legs, but I just can't bring myself to...

pull the plug.

It's good to have a sense of humor.

Especially today of all days.

Why? What's today?

Hmm? Huh? Oh, uh, nothing.

: Just... my birthday.

- What? - Hmm?

- Happy birthday! - Oh.

- Come here. - (chuckles) No, I don't want any fuss.

As you wish. Here we go.

Uh, first birthday as a newly single man.

Whoo, hoo, hoo.

Ugh. Are you gonna be okay?

Oh, no, the birthday part's fine. It just...

also happens to be the anniversary of the day

that I met Ashley, so...

You met your wife on your birthday?

It's a cute story. I'll tell you some other time.

- Okay. - But if you like cute stories, it's right up there.

I want to hear it.

He was cleaning a vacuum. We just had to go ten feet.

I was at my local roller rink, taking advantage

of their "skate for free on your birthday" policy.

You're a skater?

: Oh, please.

- I caught the bug when I was a boy. - Aw.

And you know what they say about roller skating.

Nothing. They say nothing about roller skating.

"You can't get that feeling till you're out there a-wheeling."

Anyway, I'm out there gliding along,

and I see this gorgeous creature stumble.

Oscar.

She scrapes her perfect knee,

and then we get to talking. I invite her back to my place

because I have a first aid kit, which...

: I know sounds like a sexual ploy...

It really doesn't.

And the rest is history.

Anyway, every year after that, Ashley and I would just...

happen to meet each other there on the rink on my birthday.

Oh, my God, that's so cute.

Even though we haven't been talking,

part of me wonders if maybe she might...

lace up the old skates and...

No, no, no. She's not gonna be there.

She kicked you out. She's moving on.

- You've got to move on, too. - Yep.

That's right. I'm... Yep.

Um, excuse me. I'm just gonna get some air.

- Attaboy. Okay. - Yep.

Oscar, stop. How could you treat him like that?

You're supposed to be his friend.

I am his friend. I told him the truth.

- What was that? - That's Felix. I'll take care of it.

That's your solution? Unbelievable.

Your friend is in pain, and all you can think about

is scoring with a pretty girl.

Really? You think you're pretty? I don't see it.

And you're wrong about me. I do care about him.

In fact, I have something planned for him for later.

It's gonna be really exciting.

Well, he doesn't seem so excited.

Well, he doesn't know about it yet.

So it's like a surprise birthday party?

Yes, like a surprise birthday party!

- That's so nice. - So what do you think of me now?

I'll tell you what I think of you, Oscar Madison.

I think you are the best friend a fella's ever had. Come here!

And don't worry, I will do my best to look surprised.

Is this a friend or what?

Oscar, I thought you were this gruff guy,

but when I see how protective you are of Felix,

it's kind of sweet.

So how about that drink?

Well, I would really love to, but I just remembered

there's a few last-minute things

I need to take care of for tonight.

I mean, all the big stuff's done

'cause I planned this, like, way in advance.

But I do need to pop into that party store,

the one on, uh...

71st Street?

Yes. Good.

And it has that obscure cross street...

- Broadway? - Yes, that's the one.

So I'll go there, and why don't you go upstairs to sleep off

some of that jet lag, and I'll meet you here tonight.

I thought you said sleeping was bad for jet lag.

You know I'm not really a doctor, right?

What's going on? All I could hear

on the phone was "emergency".

All I heard was "life or death."

"Doughnuts."

Look, it's Felix's birthday, and it kind of got past me,

and I need you guys to help me

put together a party for tonight.

This is your life-or-death emergency?

I figured you got shot by a jealous husband

or a... an angry athlete or your ex-wife.

Damn, a lot of people hate you.

I'm getting a sinking feeling

about the doughnuts.

Oscar, you... you know

this is my day off, right?

Yes, but I didn't call you

as my assistant; I called you as my friend.

No, Roy's your friend.

I'm getting time and a half.

Come on, guys, this is Felix, and he needs us.

And it's just a few small things.

What do you need?

Food and drinks.

Also ice, cake, decorations, gifts, music and guests.

So you've done everything except all of it.

All right,

I'll take care of ice and guests.

Oh, and I need you guys to be the guests.

Guests.

All right, what the hell?

My daughter's having a sleepover tonight,

- so I'm happy to get out of the house. - Where's Felix now?

Oh, he'll be gone the whole rest of the day.

I sent him to the Container Store.

It's his happy place.

He always says

the only thing that they can't contain

is his enthusiasm for the Container Store.

Here you go, Time and a Half.

Oscar Madison's office.

It's someone about the party.

Yeah, I've been calling people from a list of his contacts.

Hi. Hello. Yes, I didn't get your RSVP

for Felix Unger's birthday party.

Really? Damn post office!

No, you don't have to worry about bringing a gift.

Although, if it's on your way, I could use 50 pounds of ice.

Great.

Ice.

Okay, we got guests, food, music.

Isn't that the weird guy that plays on the subway for change?

Go away, Roy.

And Teddy's coming by later with the cake.

Am I forgetting anything?

Uh, let's see. To reimburse me for all the stuff I bought.

To tell me I look nice for the party.

To show some appreciation for me working on my day off.

I don't have a lot of time. Pick one.

- (doorbell rings) - Tell me I look pretty.

Well, you do. You look beautiful.