Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Peralta, there was a botched B & E

at a jewelry store on Atlantic

that just turned into a hostage situation.

They want you to be the negotiator.

Oh, my God, my prayers have finally been answered.

You prayed for a hostage situation?

Yes, I did. Every single day.

I don't understand. Why isn't ESU handling this?

Apparently, the hostage-taker asked for Jake by name.

Oh, yes, it's getting even cooler.

Oh, man, I wonder who it is. Ooh!

Maybe it's the brother of someone I put away for life.

Ooh! Or the identical twin of someone I put away for life.

- Ooh! Or the fraternal twin of... - Jake!

Just get down there! Take Diaz with you.

Yep. Yep, yep, yep. How do I look?

It doesn't matter. Let's go negotiate!

Hey, everyone, I'm here.

I'm Jake Peralta, the negotiator.

- Oh, so you're Jake Peralta? - The negotiator, yes.

- Who are you? - Dennis Kole, ESU.

This was my crime scene before you bozos got here.

Nice to meet you too, Dennis.

I've spent ten years as a negotiator

and you just took my first hostage situation.

All I've done up till now is talk jumpers off of rooftops.

But that must be satisfying in its own way, right?

Yeah, really satisfying saving a crazy person's life.

Whatever. Here's a little advice.

- I don't like you two. - Not so much advice

as it is a hurtful statement based on limited interaction.

He wants to talk to you.

- Get the hell in there. - Ooh, it says "negotiator" on it.

This is Jake Peralta.

I am unarmed

and I'm approaching the building

- You wanted to talk to me? - Keep those hands in the air.

And wave 'em like you just don't care.

What?

I'm just messing with you, Peralta.

Put your hands down, give me a hug, baby.

Judy!

Sergeant, a member of

the Commissioner selection committee is coming in today

to tour the precinct and do some interviews.

Would you mind speaking with her?

Of course. Terry loves answering

the hard questions.

Oh, here she is.

I guess you don't have time to take off those ridiculous suspenders.

- What? - Hello, Miss Sumter.

Hello, Captain.

I'm excited to speak to you subordinates

and learn more about your management style.

I thought you could talk to Sergeant Jeffords here.

Sergeant? Oh, um...

I'd rather not talk to a supervisor.

I was hoping to interview one of your detectives.

Perhaps, um... him?

No!

- Excuse me? - There was a wasp near me,

which has since disappeared.

You can interview Detective Hitchcock

and I am completely fine with that.

I gotta admit, man.

I thought you'd be happy to see me.

- Why you being so weird. - Oh, I don't know.

I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm probably tired from that.

Oh, and also, this is a hostage situation!

Wow! It's like that.

Yes, it's like that. What the hell?

- I thought you went straight? - I did.

I'm a high-end car broker now.

I procure luxury vehicles for the rich and famous

and I do it legally.

Last week I dropped off a Bugatti

to the kid with the lisp from "Stranger Things."

You met Dustin? Was he cool?

Do him and the rest of the gang hang out in real life?

You know what? No. We are not chatting right now.

You have three hostages.

You mean Pam and the two Bobs?

They not hostages. I prefer to call them

"collateral friendships."

I gave 'em each 500 bucks out of my own pocket.

- Thanks again, Doug. - You the man, Doug.

Actually, I'd rather still not be a hostage.

Pam hasn't come around on me yet.

Tell her I'm a nice person, Jake.

I'm sorry. Officer, are you friends with this criminal?

- No, not really. - Absolutely, best friends.

It's a layered relationship, Pam.

- Best friends. - Judy, get over here.

- What is going on, man? - This isn't my fault.

Two years ago before I went straight, I stole a car from a drug dealer.

- Martin Halloway. - Oh, no, Judy, he's a bad guy.

I know. When I realized it was his car,

I torched it along with the drugs

that were in the trunk that I didn't know about.

Oh, no, Judy. Trunk drugs?

Millions of dollars of them.

Halloway just found out it was me.

Said I had to do a job for him to pay off my debt.

But did you tell him you went straight?

- Did you tell him about Dustin? - I did.

He said he doesn't watch "Stranger Things."

- Oh, this guy is the worst. - I know.

He said he's gonna kill my mom if I don't do this job.

He can't do that. I love your mom.

So do I. That's why I'm here

stealing this big ole bag of diamonds.

Jake, you know how dangerous this dude can be.

I need you to help me save my mama.

- Help you how? - Easy.

I got a plan that's good for everyone.

All I need is for you to...

Let him go so he can arrange a drop with Halloway.

We arrest Halloway, save Judy's mom,

and Judy turns himself in, and why is that amazing, Rosa?

- Halloway's a huge crime boss. - And what else?

NYPD's been trying to get Halloway for years.

- And? - That's it.

Yeah, it is. So, since we all agree,

I'll go tell Judy that the plan is on.

We don't all agree. He's trapped and desperate.

Everything he told you is a lie.

- Why do you say he's lying? - That's all negotiating is.

Two liars lying to each other

until one liar stands too close to the window

and gets shot in the head.

That can't be all negotiating is.

It absolutely is. Now, get in there

and coax him to a window. Snipers to one.

The window plan is on. I repeat.

- The window plan is on. - No, no, no, no, no!

Snipers to zero. Snipers take a nap.

The nap plan is on. It's nap time, snipers.

Amy, Gina, you came!

You think I'd miss opening day of your food truck?

- I'm your biggest fan. - Also your biggest investor.

She was freaking out she was gonna lose a ton of money.

I told you that in confidence.

We don't have that kind of relationship.

Well, don't worry. I'm feeling good.

"The One Thing" truck is ready to serve.

- "The One Thing"? - Yeah.

We only serve one thing:

the perfect meatball sandwich...

made exactly the way Nana Boyle used to.

I can't believe this is finally happening.

- Ahh! - Uh, Charles?

Sorry, I'm a bit stressed. Jason and Jeff,

the guys I hired to work the truck,

called in sick so I'm all alone.

What a fun opportunity.

Okay, Boyle, stop freaking out.

I have the day off. I can step in and help.

Yeah, me too. I'm not off, but I come and go as I please.

It's part of my charm. I'm like an outdoor cat.

ESU won't take your deal. They think you're lying.

I'm not lying. I don't wanna be a criminal.

I love my life as a average citizen.

I voted for the first time this year.

- Ed Breakfast for school board. - Who?

I don't know. He had a funny name. He deserves a shot.

That's why I voted for Stacy Ladle.

Anyway, I'm sorry, but they're not cutting a deal.

So that's it? I gotta turn myself in

- and let Halloway kill my mama? - Actually...

there might another way to get this done.

I've taken your negotiator hostage.

If you come in here, I will shoot him.

Just do whatever he says! My life is in his hands!

That was so much fun!

Oh, man, you sounded really scary.

No, no, it was all you.

The tremble in your voice sold it.

- "Just do whatever he wants." - I just made that up.

- Ah, I was so in the moment. - Dude, seriously?

- You are a great hostage. - Oh, thanks, Judy.

You're a great hostage taker. Whoop.

Yes, sir.

I can't believe Peralta got taken hostage.

The good news is...

I'm the negotiator now.

- Finally. - Congratulations.

I've been waiting for this moment for so long,

- and... - I'm ready to negotiate.

But I'll only talk to Rosa Diaz.

- That's me, Dennis. - Oh, come on!

Okay, I think we're ready for a practice sandwich.

- Sounds good, boss. - Please call me "chef."

That's funny.

- Chef. - Thank you.

Okay, see. The cut is a little slopey.

I want you to cut it straight across.

No big deal. Again.

Oh.

Uhp, slopey.

Don't over think it. Again.