South Park

Okay! Okay! Can everyone hear me? Hello?

Thanks, everyone, for helping us celebrate Marcus' birthday.

As a special birthday surprise for you, Marcus,

we got you your favorite entertainer.

Everyone, please welcome Chuck E. Cheese!

Hey... Check. Check.

Yes! Yes!

Thanks... celeb... Marcus' birthday...

What's wrong with him?

Can't you tell? He's high on painkillers!

Ugh. Ugh. Hold on.

Shit.

Okay, let's... Let's do this.

All right, kids...

Uh, why don't we head back to the party and cut the cake?

I don't want cake!

Who could eat cake at a time like this?!

Another drug overdose?

Most likely.

Percocet and OxyContin

found wrapped in his cheese cloth.

Prescription drugs but with no prescription.

You guys know where all these illegal meds are coming from?

Most likely from the prisons.

Whenever there's a drug epidemic,

you can usually trace it back to people who've been

thrown away by society and forgotten about.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm here to visit my grandpa.

Oh, how nice of you.

All right. Arms in the air.

What's the present?

Just some Hummels.

More Hummels?

Why are senior citizens so infatuated

with these little German statues?

All right. Go on. You got 10 minutes.

- Grandpa? - Billy!

Finally you're here to visit.

Did you bring grandpa a present?

Yeah I got what you wanted.

Aw, Merry Wanderer and Happy Traveler?

These Hummels suck!

That's what the guy gave me!

It's okay, Billy.

I'm just gonna need you to deliver another one

of Ms. McGullicutty's crochet pillows.

Aw, come on, Grandpa!

Isn't it enough I come to visit?

You don't understand how it works in here!

Ms. McGullicutty is top bitch.

You do what she says or you pay the price.

No, please, I-I don't want no trouble!

I'm sorry! I'll get better Hummels!

Dude, Stan! Come on, dude.

We're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house.

I will. I just got to do this for my grandpa first.

Again?!

Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him?

I don't know. It's what he wants.

I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable.

He's old. He's supposed to be miserable.

Look, I just got to make this exchange for him

and then we can go. Oh, oh, I think this is her now.

Are you Stan Marsh?

It's me, Swiper.

Cool. Do you have the Hummel?

This is it.

Ride into Christmas. Limited Edition.

Now give me the pillow.

I have to get to a birthday party.

'Kay, fine.

All right. Peace!

Dude, that's really weird.

Old people love Hummels, dude.

Students, faculty, and staff,

today, we are facing an epidemic of catastrophic proportions.

I know I am not alone in mourning the loss

of one our greatest entertainers, Chuck E. Cheese.

Had we known the personal hell he was going through,

perhaps we could have helped.

But too many were more than eager

to supply Chuck E. With the opioids

that caused his untimely death.

Chuck E. was not the first entertainer in our community

to die from this epidemic.

Let us not forget

Dinkie Dook the clown,

dead of a Roxanol overdose

at Tommy Schneider's bar mitzvah last March,

Shimmer and Shine, who both collapsed

from massive amounts of oxycodone in their systems

at Nelly Anderson's birthday party,

Spiderman, cut down in his prime by Demerol,

and just recently, Swiper the Fox,

dead of multiple opioids found inside his crochet pillow.

How many more entertainers must we lose

before we take action?!

It is time to declare war on opioids in our society!

Dude, what the Stan?!

I didn't know, all right?!

You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa?

It didn't occur to me as a possibility.

Dude, did you hear everyone in school?

They're coming after you.

You killed Swiper the Fox,

and we were standing there with you!

You got to tell people we had no idea what was going on!

I had no idea what was going on!

Hey, fellas!

Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh?

He's really motivated.

I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good

somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers.

Well, see ya, fellas!

Our only way out is to go to the police right now

and turn Stan's grandpa in!

No, we don't have to do that.

Let me go talk to him. I can put a stop to this.

Grandpa, what the hell have you gotten me into?

Shh! Quiet, they'll hear you!

There were drugs in the crochet pillow, weren't there?

Do you know people are dying?!

What do you want me to do, Billy?

You see Mrs. McGullicutty over there?

Whoever has the best Hummel collection

is top bitch in this place, and she's got the best.

She's ruthless, and she has those old lady farts.

You know old lady farts, right?

Where they're so loose they don't even acknowledge they happened?

Oh, hello, Mr. Marsh.

Ah! Mrs. McGullicutty. How are you feeling today?

I'm doing very well.

Have they given you Percocet for that knee of yours?

Oh, uh, yeah, here. I just got it.

Here you go.

Oh, you'd almost think

you were trying to keep them from me.

Oh, uh, ma'am?

My grandpa actually really needs those drugs.

He's in a lot of pain.

Ooh, and who is this little rascal?

That's just my grandson. He... He's worthless.

How sweet.

Hmm? Coming to visit your old papa in the joint, huh?

You love your papa, don't you?

You'd hate to see him suffer even more than he already is.

You watch your ass, Marsh,

or I'll have you sent to the quiet room.

Wh... What is she talking about? What's the quiet room?

I told you... She has all the pull in here.

You go against what she says, you end up in solitaire.

No. No, please! I-I didn't do anything!

It's all right, Mr. Standish.

You just need a little quiet time.

I don't even know how to play solitaire! Please!

I understand that, today, they are performing Chuck E. Cheese's autopsy?

Oh the kid's party performer, yeah.

As a concerned member of the public, I wish to be present.

Uh, sorry, children aren't really allowed in autopsies.

Then I shall wait here to learn the coroner's findings!

Toxicology report shows subject

had massive amounts of opioids in system at time of death.

Now proceeding.

Have these put in the garbage.

What did you find, coroner?

Who is this?

There is an epidemic in our community, sir!

Some of us actually care to confront the problem.

Now, damn it, what did you find?

Nothing out of the ordinary.

The subject died of a simple overdose.

We found nothing else except for two Hummels

in the subject's rectal cavity.

Hummels? In his rectal cavity, you say,

and you do not find this 'out of the ordinary'?

Not at all.

We've found Hummels in nearly all