Inside Amy Schumer

Tonight, on the "Inside Amy Schumer Reunion"...

What was that just now when I just said it to Andy Cohen?

A lie?

You mix reds and whites.

I've got your infection right here.

No, I do not wanna have brunch, thank you for asking.

Hey, everybody, I'm Andy Cohen.

And I'm here with the beautiful and beguiling

ladies of "Inside Amy Schumer."

You all look so amazing and classy and stunning.

Yes.

Hi, Amy Schumer.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Amy, I love your hair, very Barbarella.

Oh, thank you, um...

I wanted something different and, um...

With my new line coming out.

And my name was almost Barbara.

So that's a very funny you mention that.

'Cause my line is coming out.

Hi, Kim Caramele.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Gosh, supervising producer, writer, Amy's sister...

Look at you. You look like a princess.

You look like Kate Middleton.

Thank you, but, like, what I always say about that

is just, like, I just do me.

And then that's it, like, I do me.

I've literally never heard you say that your whole life.

And, like, I've known you your whole life.

Oh, do you have ears?

'Cause, like, I just said it to Andy Cohen.

What are these on my head? -Check the tape, check the tape.

What are these on my head? Check the tape.

Check the tape. What are these?

Check the tape. Check the tape.

What are these on my head? Check the tape.

They're ears.

Greta Lee, you've been on the show every season.

Yes, but I've yet to be paid for any of my appearances.

But on the plus side, you are Asian.

Hi, Bridget Everett.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Bridget Everett, you are a socialite,

you're a debutante, you're a goddamn legend.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Hi, Amy Schumer.

Hi... Andy Cohen.

Are we still doing hellos? I thought...

Oh, yeah, the hello's on reunion shows

last for about half an hour.

Hi, Andy Cohen.

Well, this show is only a half hour,

so, like, let's move it along.

Oh, okay.

Listen, let's take a look

at some of the most memorable moments

from the first three seasons, watch.

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer, and I'm proud to say

that I'm a feminist.

That's why today, I'm hosting my very own gang bang.

If nobody needs anything else, honey, I'm gonna head upstairs.

Start lubing up so you can blast my dirt (bleep) with your thumb

while you lobster hand me in the (bleep), okay?

And then you can

while I call my mom, mwah.

God? For me to undo your herpes,

I'd have to kill off an entire village in Uzbekistan.

Yeah, whatever you think is best, do it.

I really need to stop making so many white girls.

I'm going to get my dildo.

Boom!

First of all,

no one feel any pressure to unload everything.

This is just a case of slut shaming.

But this slut is not ashamed.

Heading to the can. Gonna make some room.

My boner just got a boner.

Amy, I'm Willenby, your royal attaché.

It's time you knew the truth.

You're not a disgusting, filthy commoner at all.

You're a princess!

A princess?

Me?!

Girl, you don't need makeup

You're perfect when you wake up...

Excuse me, shoppers.

Amy is the prettiest customer we've ever had in here.

Oh, my God, I look so great with bangs!

I know, right? Ahh!

In every actress' life, the media decides

when you finally reach the point

where you're not believably anymore.

Who tells you?

She's built like a lineman

and she has cabbage patch-like features.

Her ass makes me furious!

I'd give that ass a... four?

Really good tits, but her face was just okay.

I got no damn arms!

Have you always been a (bleep) trash heap?

You guys want some of this here burrito?

No.

Burrito? No.

When I said, "I want a ton of soy sauce,"

what you heard was, "I want... two soy sauces"?

My dream for the future is

right now that somebody brings us some curly fries.

Just soak up all the booze.

We're just like drinking

and it's like, ugh, perfect storm.

I was cyberbullying my niece on Instagram the other day,

and I literally ate 15 mini muffins, I'm so bad.

you, I'm a (bleep) cow.

Indian people are trying to worship me.

I sleep standing up in a field.

Happy birth...

Amy! When did you get back from Iraq?

This isn't working for me.

I think we should see other people.

This is so the universe telling me,

Girl, just, like, keep (bleep) your married boss, right?

I'm not asking that you (bleep) bang me

in the back of my Tercel like it's 1997.

I'm just asking for a chance to make a difference.

These are the best years of your lives

because you're (bleep) losers!

Wooorms!

Women are funny, women are funny.

I am not my (bleep) mother!

Hah!

Oh!

Ooh! Oh!

Whoo!

Oh!

Cocaine is the cat's pajamas!

It's gonna be a stank night, girl.

You know what? Round of drinks on me.

Wow!

Amy, Amy, Amy...

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

So let's raise a glass...

Bing.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

Milk, milk, lemonade

Milk, milk lemonade

Milk, milk, lemonade

'Round the corner fudge is made

Milk, milk, lemonade

'Round the corner fudge is made

What I gotta do to get that (bleep) in my mouth?

You guys don't even know I'm cooler.

Ah! Oh!

I am a good person.

I like this good show.

Last time I checked,

good plus good did not equal guilty.

Now let's get out there!

Clear eyes, full hearts.

Don't rape!

We're doing God's work.

Okay, Mavis L. from Rancho Cucamonga writes,

"Amy, why do you talk about your pussy so much?

"Are you scared we don't believe you have one?

We get it. You're disgusting."

I have to say that I have no idea

what that is in reference to.

Uh, you know.

No idea.

You know. We all know.

I have literally never in my life

said that word before, so...

What did you just say?!

I said you're delusional! What did you just say?

Say it to my face! I said "You're day-loo..."

I said you're delusional!

You don't even know what delusional means!

You don't know what it means.

You don't know what anything means!

I'm not delusional.

Yeah, you always take her side!

No, you know what? I can't, no.

Sit down.

Good, good, walk out like you always do.

I'm not, I'm not.

Walk out like you always do.

No, because you know why I'm not?!

Because, because you know why I'm not!

And what you wrote is very hurtful to me.

I didn't say anything!

It's very hurtful to me! Prove it!

I didn't say anything!

Sit back down, Amy.

Okay. Come back.

Sit down, Kim.

Amy, are you seriously saying

that you've never said the word "pussy"?

Andy, on my life... never!

Never have I ever said that word on my life.

On my children's lives!