black-ish

Here's the thing about having a big family...

Every day, there's something surprising.

Some surprises are good...

Look! I'm off the no-fly list.

Some surprises are not so good...

Look, a Saudi prince I met on Instagram wants to pay me to model.

And some surprises aren't all that surprising...

- Look, I got a "C." - That's a "D," baby.

And some surprises you don't see coming at all.

- Mom, Dad... - Mm. Mm?

I'd like you to meet Megan, my girlfriend.

Hmm.

Ah.

Megan.

I mean, at all.

Megan.

- Hey. Everything okay? - Hey.

- Yeah, everything's great. - Okay.

Then why are you chopping onions

like a crazy person to mask your tears?

- I don't do that. - Ooh, onions.

Why are you masking your tears?

Does this have anything to do with Junior's new girlfriend?

What? Junior has a girlfriend?

Wow. What a twist.

Hold on. Wait a minute.

Is it because she's white?

Dre, you're delusional.

So you do see color!

Dre, that's not who I am.

Or is it who you are?

Please let it be who you are.

Look, this is something that we could do together

- as we grow old. - Ew.

You know, some couples, they have golf?

We can mistrust white people together.

This could save our marriage.

Oh, I'm getting so emotional.

I think we should really focus on Junior here.

This is a huge moment. It should be celebrated.

I mean, wildly, joyously, ferociously celebrated.

I'm trying to say he is not an easy sell.

He wears a cape.

Hey! Do not talk about my son's cape, okay?

You are a grown man with bangs.

These are tendrils.

All right, look.

Corbin Blue is right.

We should be celebrating this.

Okay, well, unlike you, Dre,

I'm not just gonna celebrate any girl that Junior brings home.

What if she's mean?

What if she's dumb?

What if they don't have anything in common?

_

Mmm.

- Ah. - Megan.

How'd you two meet?

I was actually coming down the hall when I noticed him.

A couple of freshmen were trying to take his backpack.

You should have seen Megan confront those girls.

She was amazing.

Well, I mean, Megan's amazing at everything, so...

Oh, tell them about Brown.

- Oh. - Oh, stop it.

Well, I actually got early acceptance to go to Brown.

Just like you, Mrs. Johnson.

Well, not just like me... I was wait-listed. So...

Isn't she great?

_

Oh!

It's because she's white.

Oh, God.

Hey.

How's my favorite twin brother and sister?

What do you want?

What? I can't come in here to visit?

I'm gonna ask you this one more time,

and then I'm gonna scream.

What do you want?

Money? An alibi? Clean urine?

I don't know why we can't...

Okay, fine.

I need some extra credit for my interior design class.

Mm-hmm.

And Mom gave me a small budget to redo your room.

I mean, it's tired, baby-ish.

Like the "J" and "D" on your wall.

You don't need a "J" to tell you where to sleep, Jack.

The "J" is for Jack?

Guys, you need something a little bit more mature,

something that doesn't say...

"I still wear Pull-Ups."

I trusted you.

Wow, so you're boy

- got himself a snowflake. - Yep.

And he didn't even have to become a professional athlete.

Oh, hey, Dre-Dawg, maybe you can coach me.

I'm getting nowhere with this blonde hottie down at the gym,

and I already used my best line.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the men's room.

I'm not allowed to go to that gym anymore.

You're gonna have to leave me out of this, all right?

'Cause Junior, he did this on his own.

My white-girl game is in shambles.

Why do you think I act so weird around Kelly from Microsoft?

Thank you for coming. I think we're gonna come up with something

- you'll be very happy with. - Oh, thank you.

Thank you for coming so very much, milady.

Thank you.

A curtsy?

I wish we was in jail so I could shank you.

What did you expect, man?

I grew up in an all-black neighborhood.

I went to an all-black college.

I never mastered the art of white women.

It's not your fault, Dre.

White women are probably just scared of you.

- I know my wife is. - White women aren't scared of me.

I can't keep them off me.

My friends, they call me "the bunny magnet."

- Hm. - Lord Snow.

White Walker.

Anglo-Saxon Jackson.

I think I might be a sell-out.

Right, now this is fascinating.

Now, Charles, let's pretend that I am a white woman

walking through the produce section of Trader Joe's.

What do you say to get these pants off?

Hmm. I would start by telling you

that Aspen got two inches of fresh powder last night.

- Oh. - Really?

Then I would ask you, how close are you to your father?

- I love my father. - Is it fake snow or real snow?

Hey. Hey!

Why am I seeing so much of this and none of this?

- Oh. - Yeah, you guys need to get back to work

on this Microsoft campaign or all of you will be this.

Ooh.

- Ooh. - So mad.

And that's why I keeps me some snow.

Hey, Mom? We'll see you later.

Megan's gonna take me to the part of the mall

I've always been afraid to check out.

Bye, Mrs. Johnson.

Dr. Johnson. I'm a doctor.

Bye.

Oh, God.

I noticed your eyes look more haggard than usual.

I know those tears.

I've shed them a million times.

This is about that little Disney princess

that just left with you son, isn't it?

No, Ruby, I-I have allergies.

It's a rite of passage for a mother

to hate the girl her son is with.

The ember of hatred will grow into a wildfire.

And eventually, your one joy

will be cutting a few subtle inches

off her hair while she sleeps.

- What? - Huh?

Okay. Okay, Ruby, this is not about Junior

just bringing home some girl, okay?

It's... it's about Junior bringing home someone who's...

White.

- What? - I know.

How the hell can you be mad at that?

You're a white.

I'm not a white... I mean, white.

Eh... have you been cutting my hair?

A black woman would know.

Mnh-mnh.

Okay. What Ruby's trying to say

in her blissfully ignorant yet always-offensive way

is that because my mother's black but my father's white,

I'm somehow not really black.

Sadly, Rubeline's not the only one

who thinks that's how it works.

It's complicated.

And it dates back to a time when slave-owners

like Thomas Jefferson invited/ordered

their slaves like Sally Hemings up to their chambers,

which resulted in a bunch of folks like me

they called mulattos.

Crazy offensive name, right?

Well, crazier offensive origin, because the word "mulatto"

derived from the Spanish word for mule.

But being mulatto had another side to it.

With a slave-owner daddy,

you may have been one of the few slaves

who learned to read, write, or even got your freedom.

Now of course this preferential treatment,

created major friction between black people and mulattos.

This complicated relationship went on for generations.

But things started to change with the Civil Rights Movement,

which encouraged biracial people

to embrace their heritage.

Suddenly, being any kind of black was the new black.

One of the biggest wins of the movement was in 1967,

when the Loving vs Virginia case