What We Do in the Shadows

Oh, shit.

Says here, "The large intestine should be placed before the small intestine."

Of course. That is the order of intestines.

Well, that would explain why my monster cannot digest corn.

I'm gonna have to open the brute up again.

Please, no more cutting.

Oh, no, no, sorry. I wasn't talking about you.

I was talking about another shambolic monstrosity.

- -Uh-huh.

What the shit was that?

-It sounded bad. - Really bad.

Where is it coming from?

It sounded like it came from out here.

- No! -It's coming from Sean's house.

Seanie!

Leap into the air. We're coming, Seanie!

This way.

Yes.

Oh, yes! Oh, yeah!

What the blazes? We need to help him. Come on.

Shit.

We're coming in, Sean.

Thank you. Sean!

- What are you doing? That's a foul! -Fucking beads.

Clean the boards! Clean the boards! There you go! That a boy!

-Why? Why would you do that? - Is he drunk?

Sean's always drunk.

This is far more serious. Ecstatic one minute, distraught the next.

And he's wrestling with control of his body.

I've seen this before.

Yes, I've seen this before too.

Sean is possessed by a demon.

Oh, I thought you meant you'd seen Sean's basement before.

A demon is a malevolent spirit from the underworld in search

of a human body to inhabit.

And if it's not swiftly expelled, it can obliterate a human soul entirely.

Basically, it's just like a red guy.

Sometimes with horns, sometimes not.

And one of these red bastards penetrated Sean,

which I will not tolerate.

-Whatever you do, do not make eye contact. -Yes. Sorry.

-Not with me, you idiot. With Sean. -

- Hey, Seanie! -Go! Get us under!

I can't take it. I'm going to Diane's until this is over!

You cannot abandon Sean in his hour of need.

Laszlo, this is ridiculous. Every year with his March Madness.

Come on!

I had not heard of this "March Madness" before.

Throughout time, humans have confused demonic possession

-with seasonal mental illness. -

Like when a frost ghoul poisons your soul and they call it the "winter blahs."

Exactly that.

- -

-God! -We should put him out of his misery.

What the fuck are you doing, Nandor?

That's Seanie. He's our friend.

Every fucking year!

The demon is expelling his life force from within.

- -Fucking hell.

So, yeah, since I've never worked in an office before,

I guess I didn't know how important it was to have an office identity.

For example, there's Jimmy and Raj.

-They're the office sports guys. -This is for you.

There's Danny, who's the office barefoot guy.

Oh, and Marla, her whole thing is being the office dog lady,

which is awesome 'cause I love when Marla brings her dog and it pisses everywhere.

So, yeah, I'm just a little worried that I don't have an office identity.

Can you give me a second, please?

Colin. Colin! Colin!

-Yeah. Hey. -I don't understand.

Why do you have a leaf blower? There are no leaves on the ground.

Well, not yet there aren't.

Do you think you could give us, like, two minutes?

-Yeah. Okay. -Thank you.

-Yeah. -

Sorry about that.

So, yeah, I'm just a little concerned

that I might not have an office identity whatsoever.

Are you kidding?

-That's not good. That ain't good at all. -Geez.

How about office crossword guy?

No, that's taken.

Office hot guy?

No, taken by Jacob.

Office not hot guy but has a hot wife.

Maybe it's not that big of a deal. It's fine.

No, trust me, it's a big deal.

I've literally worked in 137 different offices.

It definitely is a big deal.

How about, and I don't think you could pull this off, office funny guy?

-You got one of those? -Unfortunately, we do.

It all sort of happened by an accident, really.

- Cannon Capital Strategies. -Cannon Capital Strategies.

A phone rang and then I saw the banana,

and I did this thing where I pretended the banana was the phone.

-Yes, I'll connect you. -Yes, I'll connect you.

I can't believe no one has ever thought of it before.

Yes, that offer is very appealing.

My coworker Lisa, she totally gets me.

-Lisa, I'm conferencing you in. -Oh.

She's like the Louise to my Thelma.

If that movie was a banana comedy.

Lisa, it's your nana. She's dying. Aw.

- Ring, ring. -It's enough!

Lisa, this thing won't stop ringing.

-It's driving me bananas. -Okay!

She's loving it.

-Also, look, it's a gun. - Stop it.

So, long story short, I guess I'm the office funny girl.

That is good. Okay, pivoting.

How about, and please don't take this the wrong way,

office Mexican guy?

-That's borderline racist. -Okay. Sorry.

And, yes, I looked into it,

but Jose in compliance has that cerrado.

Office gay?

No, that's taken. Same guy.

Office slut?

-This guy is multitalented. -Okay. Just give me a couple minutes.

Can you turn that off?

It helps me think. I just need two minutes.

Yes. Come to me. Yes.

Any chance you could speed this up?

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I going too slow?

Maybe it's 'cause I'm exhausted working around the clock with Jerry.

Jerry. What, are you guys, like, boyfriend and girlfriend now?

-What? -Or just, like, friends with benefits?

That's what I'm hearing anyway.

He's working on his plans to take over North America.

Working on his plan to take over your underwear, more like.

What say we get on with the business at hand

and summon the fucking demon?

Um...

Sorry, I got a question.

-Yes? -Do we repeat after you--

No. What I need you to do is just focus on hell.

- Yes. -Get on with it, please.

All right.

The best way to expel a demon is to summon a bigger demon

to then scare the fucking hell out of the existing demon.

Everyone knows that.

Hello.

I have prowled the depths of the underworld

for nigh on an eternity

waiting to be summoned back to sow fear and chaos once again.

- Welcome, evil one. - What season is it?

It is spring, o dark one.

Uh, real quick, what month specifically?

March, man of the nether region.

It's-It's March?

-Yes. -Oh, yes. Delicious.

And, uh, which of these college squads

got their tickets punched to the NCAA's Big Dance this year?

He's looking at me. I haven't got a clue what he's talking about.

- Any Cinderella stories... - What?

...vying for a chance in the sweet 16?

I think this demon is really into college basketball for some reason.

-You guys didn't fill out your brackets? -What have you summoned?

I don't know how this happened.

The game's on here.

They play basketball in college? What about their studies?

Get your head in the game. Let's go!

Let us go, indeed.

This young squad from Gonzaga

is about to have their character put to the ultimate test,

especially 'cause they don't have a big man.

They can't really effectively punch it down low

-like UConn and Purdue, so... -Uh-oh.

You're sure you can't see the outline of my dick in these pants?

-Like, bro, it's right there. -So, you can't see it?

-No. I don't see it. It's fine. -I want people to see it.

Then, yeah. You can see it. Anyone can see it.

-Fuck these pants. -You got basketball tonight?

You know it, baby. Bring on the first-aid kit.

Shit. What're you doing here?

Well, I realized I can't really help you with your identity crisis

without being boots on the ground.

No. It's fine. It's not that big of a deal.

No, actually it is a huge deal.

If you don't make a splash,

you're just gonna be another anonymous name on a list

of expendable shit-munching drones when the layoffs come.

-What layoffs? -They're not gonna lay off

Bobblehead Mike over there.

That's not even his name.

Oh, really? What is his name, then?

-Bobblehead Kyle. - Exactly.

All right. You just hang tight here. I'm gonna get the lay of the land.

What do people even think you do here?

They think I'm one of those HR guys that walks around telling people

not to talk about tits and ass at work,

but I do it in a fun, irreverent way.

Hello. Wanna hear a joke?

Second-chance points. You gotta limit the second-chance points!

-Ah, yes. Second chance. -

A mere offensive rebound, and fate begins anew.

Why the fuck are you telling me?

Get over there and scare the demon out of Sean.

Yeah, I'm getting there. But, I mean, if they don't box out, this game's over.

-Oh, beautiful pass. -Beautiful pass.