Not Going Out

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

How about this one?

Yep, that looks great, I like it.

OK, how about this one?

Yeah, that's nice as well.

Why do you need a dress, anyway? You've already got a dress.

I thought I'd go crazy and own two dresses.

I was getting jealous, what with you owning two pairs of underpants.

I just want one thing that makes me feel like a woman,

besides three kids and stretch marks.

Can I help you?

Just trying to work out whether I can get away without wearing a bra.

Hm, well, you won't get much support.

I'm used to that.

Hey, Pluto, you look great!

Remember those days, dear?

Yeah, all bouncy and full of life.

Well, gravity makes fools of us all.

I meant the girls, not... Well, it's what happens when you have children.

How do you know I've got children?

Oh, you've got children.

Do you think those are real?

No, definitely not, they're way too spherical.

Real ones are more misshapen.

You are talking about the pearls?

No, her breasts.

Oh, right.

No, definitely not, they're way too spherical.

Real ones are more misshapen.

Would you ever consider it? A boob job? I don't think so.

It's a bit tacky, isn't it?

Not necessarily.

Showing them off in a magazine

that comes with a free sachet of Horlicks might be.

No, boob jobs are for vain, insecure types with more money than sense.

Actually, Lucy, I've had it done.

Yeah, but that's different, you know, because...

No, I've got nothing.

I just mean there are other procedures I'd have done first,

like removing my foot from my mouth and putting it on my ankle.

So, um, when did you have it done?

Just after Jack was born.

You let a little lodger live inside you for nine months

and they just trash the place.

If your body was a studio flat, they'd never get the deposit back.

It's the best thing I've ever done.

It made me feel much better about myself.

Have you tried the pencil test?

The what? You know, you place a pencil under each breast,

if they don't fall to the floor,

you know things aren't quite as pert as they used to be.

Mind you, in this digital age, who uses a pencil any more?

Well, I reckon I could get a couple of iPads under there now.

So I was saying all this stuff about boob jobs

and it turns out Anna's had one done.

She's had one done? Wouldn't that make her lopsided?

By the way, why have two pencils suddenly appeared

next to the bathroom mirror?

No idea.

Well, it doesn't surprise me Anna's had a boob job,

she's the type that would do that.

Oh, and what type is that?

Oh, you know, vain and shallow.

She'd probably have her legs cut off

if she thought Gucci made designer ones.

Look at this.

Oh, it's all right for you to read these magazines, but not me?

Look at this woman's breasts.

I won't, and you can't make me.

It's that posh actress you like from Casualty.

She's had a boob job.

Has she? Well, it's put me off, knowing she's fake.

I bet she's not even a real nurse.

Celebrities, eh?

Well, it's not just celebrities that get it done, you know.

TV SOUND OFF

Well, you wouldn't consider it, would you?

Oh, I see.

Anna's had a boob job and now you want one.

It's the Nespresso frother all over again.

Look, I'm only vaguely thinking about it.

I'd probably never do it. But there's no harm in us

just having a little chat about it, is there?

OK, let's chat.

All right. What do you want to know?

How much does it cost?

That's your first question?

All right, well, what is a good question?

Can you get one big one and one small one?

It costs less than that ride-on lawn mower

you seem to think we need so much.

Yeah, but you can't sit on a new pair of boobs

and scream, "Vroom-vroom."

You can if you ask nicely.

All right, the most important question: why?

Oh, I don't know. I just feel like I'm getting older

and things aren't where they used to be.

You know, when I was in my twenties, I once went out in a bikini top

and a man crashed into a viaduct.

Now, the only way my boobs would cause a car crash is

if I got one caught under the brake pedal.

I can't believe that you would talk to Anna about this before me.

Oh, we were only chatting about it.

We're women, we sometimes like to

talk about things like boob jobs, OK?

Blimey! Did Germaine Greer jump in front of that horse for nothing?

Why are you so dead against the idea?

How would you feel if I suddenly announced

I wanted a penis enlargement?

I'd say you didn't need it.

You paused!

Look, can we talk about this later? I need to go to the supermarket.

I'll come with you.

Don't worry, Asda hasn't started doing boob jobs.

I wish they would. Buy one, get one free.

Why on Earth would you want to get a boob job?

Oh, for God's sake, I didn't say I wanted one,

I just said I wanted to talk about it, you know, like a normal couple?

We are a normal couple, and so are those. So leave them alone.

This has really got to you, hasn't it?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy, but I just feel like someone's trying to take

my favourite local pub and turn it into a shiny new Wetherspoons.

My breasts are not like a pub.

Oh, I don't know, they're both places

I frequent a lot less since we had the kids.

Am I missing something here?

What part of our marriage vows said they're as much yours as mine?

"To have and to hold."

Bloody Anna!

This isn't because of Anna.

Do you really think I'm that shallow?

No, but she is. She's not that bad.

Yes, she is. So self-obsessed, so up herself.

I'm telling you, those fake boobs are the only thing stopping Anna

disappearing up her own backside.

Hello.

I don't suppose you heard that, did you?

No, I didn't hear anything.

Right.

How could I have, with my head shoved so far up my backside?

Bing-bong! Social awkwardness in aisle nine.

Can we have a metaphorical mop and bucket, please?

Oh, look, they've got Marmite. I love Marmite.

No, you don't, Toby, you hate it. Just like you hate confrontation.

Well, I'm surprised to see you two in here.

Obviously. Well, you know, we like to try out new places

to argue in public.

Waitrose is closed for a refurb,

so we're seeing how the other half lives.

It's charming, like being on safari.

Why don't we go and grab a coffee, Lee?

I'm feeling dangerously under-caffeinated and un-anxious.

Yes, what a good idea, you two go to the man creche

and I'll see if I can find pak choi in this hell hole.

Aisle two.

But here they call it, "I can't believe it's not cabbage".

You never told me that Anna had had a boob job.

Oh, I'm sorry, we did apply for planning permission,

so the council should have put the notices up.

How did you, er, feel about it?

Could we talk about something less personal?

Like how often we have sex,

or what style she likes to wax her bikini line?

I'm going for every fourth Wednesday and conservatively vajazzled.

Come on, how did you feel about it?

I wasn't massively keen to start with.

I think society has too narrow a view of female beauty.

That's good, I might use that line.

Plus, as a doctor, I was worried that

even administering a regionalised neuroleptic anaesthesia could result

in post-operative systemic toxicity.

I probably won't use that line.

So what's your objection to Lucy having breast augmentation?

Breast augmentation is a boob job, Lee.

The medical term is breasts, not boobs or jugs.

Or chesticles.

I'll tell you my objections. Where does it stop?

She might start whittling away at herself

until she's just a big toe in a bikini.

I don't want her to change, she looks really great.

And you tell her that, do you?

Yeah.

Sort of.

How often?

What? When was the last time you paid her a proper compliment?

A few weeks ago.

I said she had nice hair.

All right, I said she had a lot of hair.

You know, luscious and thick.

If those are your pet names for each other,

I'm assuming that she's Luscious.

If you are so against the idea of her changing the way she is,

why not try complimenting her on the way she looks now?

Maybe you're right.

"Lots of hair!"

Yeah, all right! I was unblocking the shower.