Portlandia

Dear Kim I was ever so looking forward to spending

the summer with you in Portland, however I recently became

very ill and I have to seek refuge at the Berndale Healing and

Retreat Center, I entrust you with the house, the keys are

under the mat, feel free to take any room of your choosing.

Help yourself to anything in the kitchen and there is cable TV

in the bedroom upstairs, have fun this summer, love Aunt Jane.

Hello?

- Sitting kills... - Who's there?

Humans weren't designed to sit.

What?

It takes years off your life...

We read it in the New York Times.

Ah!

Standing is bad for you too.

We heard it...

- On NPR. - Ah!

Stretching.

Who's there?

Stretching is over rated, they did a recent study, I read

it in the New York Times.

I read an article you are supposed to exercise first

thing in the morning.

No no, that's because it's not effective, you need to do it

at night.

You should read up on it.

It's a myth that drinking water when you exercise is

good for you.

You can drown in electrolytes.

Atlantic Monthly, June 12th, 2011

No, no, the electrolytes might be good for you.

Too many electrolytes and your body can literally...

You can never have enough electrolytes...

- Yes you can... - You can't.

Answer the phone.

Answer the phone. You can't drown in electrolytes.

Absolutely you can.

- Hello? - 7-3-2-K-6.

Aunt Jane? Is that you?

7-3-2-K-6.

Aunt Jane?

Are you ok?

Sleep kills.

So does lack of sleep.

Ah!

Don't confuse me!

Light bulbs mess up your eyes.

Stop it!

The sound is bad for your teeth.

What?

Wow, that was too bad.

She had a good life.

- Oh hey. - Hey.

How are you doing?

Can I try it out now because I'm a ghost now too?

- Yeah, yeah. - Sure go ahead.

Alright um, drinking too much fruit juice can lead to diabetes.

You want a reference, I read it, I just read, or

- Oh. - But kind of a vague source.

Ok, I feel like I can do this.

- Yeah. - Um, I'm going to go inside.

- You cold? - Freezing.

- Ok. - Probably go through the wall.

It was nice to meet you.

You too.

- Cheers. - Congratulations.

Oh wait, no no no no.

- I got it. - This dinner is for you.

Come on.

Claire we're celebrating your raise and your promotion

with head of business affairs, what is it?

Yeah, head of business affairs.

How much was it?

It's $72.

Shut it, shut it.

Can we not do this right now?

This, I'm, I want to pay my half of it. Dinner, I'm adding $35

to this. Look I got it all here for the last four years.

That scarf, that sleeping bag, the pinata, a dollar for that.

Italian plays we went to, the cruise.

This has never been an issue for me.

Huh, what's this? Oh that's that beautiful necklace you bought

you, for your birthday. That is on me.

I trust that you are going to get things together.

I got a promotion, let me pay for this.

No, I'm your guy, I want to treat you. Like I'm supposed

to take you to dinner and I don't want to here about it.

This is embarrassing me.

Stove? What the hell is stove?

- It's our stove - $800.

I don't owe you the whole 800 though?

You don't owe me any of it, I wanted a nice stove.

I'll do 400 of that. But I owe you now total $12,000

and 27 cents, I'm paying.

Baby, I have so much faith in you, I want to feel like we

share things and we're equal, I want to ask you, Douglas Daniel

Stalder, will you open a joint-checking account with me?

Joining our finances?

Yeah, that's what I want more than anything.

Will you say yes?

Yes.

I'm so happy right now.

I am too, you want to put our bank accounts together.

Yeah.

Just me and you.

Sweetie, it's ok, it's going to be so good.

Our bank accounts are going to be together, we're joining

finances. Our accounts are going to be the same.

You know what this is done.

I'm going to have to add Kleenex to this.

Alright, downtown parking should not be a problem for me because

I practically grew up downtown.

We both did.

You know something, I've never paid full price for a parking

spot. I can actually feel the street and I know where not to

park, where to park, I'm just not one of those people who just

goes into a lot and pays some valet guy, I mean I just...

Ah, there's one.

Hydrant, damn it.

Employee parking, visitor parking.

Is that a meter?

That's bike parking. That's for church only.

That's religious discrimination.

What!

- 55, oh. - No it is, it adds up to $55.

Come on.

No thanks.

Sorry buddy.

Huh, yes, a spot, there's a spot.

Oh it's a 15 minute limit.

Think I can get all our downtown stuff done in time.

Ok, 15 minutes, let's go.

Hurry we only have 15 minutes.

Art Museum, that's great.

- Landscape. - Very rich colors, green, blue

- white. - Juxtaposition, pre and post

industrialization.

I understand it, do you understand?

I totally do.

- Great - Got it, see it, ah huh, get it.

We still have 10 more minutes.

We have time to see my cousin's baby,

- Let's do it! - Let's go!

Hi, oh, congratulations on your baby, oh, look how cute...

Oh, she's very cute.

- She looks just like you. - She have your eyes.

Nice baby.

You know what we have three more minutes.

Oh my God the molecular gastronomy restaurant let's go.

Waiter.

- What is that ice cream? - I think it's foam.

Tastes like tacos.

I'm never going to think of food the same way again.

We should have a molecular Thanksgiving.

The turkey will look like an ice cream Sunday.

It will take up so much room on the table.

We're like in a science fiction movie.

- I will wear silver. - I will wear clear.

- Let's go. - Thank you.

Ah that was delicious.

Two more minutes!

Oh Glen is in the hospital.

Oh wow Glen how are you feeling?

- Glen I'm so sorry - How's the food here?

Not that great, get better. Ok.

- Woo! - You know what, we have

45 more seconds.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

They made it.

Hey, welcome to Portland Pet Haven.

- I'm Jamie. - I'm Trish.

We got a lot of dogs for you to adopt.

- Hmm... This is Rascal. - Adopt Rascal.

He is an award-winning Affenpinscher.

Hey, I was adopted. Look at me.

- Who adopted you? - Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins.

Did they ever allow you to call them Mom and Dad?

No, they made it clear that, like,

"Look, we adopted you, but that doesn't mean

"you can't call us Mommy and Daddy. We're Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins."

Please... I... I...

No, you don't bark back at me.

You don't bark back at me.

Well this is me.

Alright, well I had a really great time.

Me too.

- Right. - Bye.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Ok.

Can I help you?

I'm a date fact checker. I'm here to corroborate some

of the evidence you presented at the dinner meeting.

Right around the appetizers you guys started talking about the

indie hit Juno.

Yeah.

She said she hated it.

Yeah, that's right I remember that.

And you said "Yeah, that movie is insufferable pap".

What I have here is some MySpace blogs sent out in 2007, you said

you ordered a hamburger phone right away.