In Living Color

I think that's your new nanny, kids.

Move over, Mrs. Doubtfire. There's a new brother in town...

and he's ready to do some butt-kicking.

- What the problem is! - It's Ike Turner in...

Mrs. Ikefire!

He's out of work, out of money andjust plain out ofhis mind.!

You must be Mrs. Ikefire. I'm Tina.

Oh, now, you must think Mrs. Ikefire don't know who you is.

I mean, of course I know who you is.

You used to sing with that handsome Ike Turner fella, didn't you?

Yes, well, that was a long time ago.

I've sung a lot of songs since then.

Mm-hmm. And ain't none of'em no good neither.

'Cause you ain't got no stank on 'em, see?

Now, what you need to do is go on back to that handsome devil.

Devil is right. Mrs. Ikefire...

could you watch the children while I go to the gym?

I need to keep my legs in shape.

Yeah, I bet Ike could work them thighs. You eyeballin' me, boy?

You sure have a lot of facial hair for a old woman.

Now, you watch your smart talk, son. You think you can make a joke outta me?

I'm gonna teach you 'bout respect!

Wow, those knuckles look familiar.

Well, now, Mrs. Turner, I'm gonna take that as a compliment. Thank you.

Smell like freebase.

Oh, my God! You're on fire!

Don't you think Mrs. Ikefire know that?

That what the problem is! Help me! Help!

Mrs. Ikefire needs some help! Help! You steppin' to me?

Don't be hittin' on Mrs. Ikefire, lady! I'll teach you, Tina.

Hello, Mrs. Ikefire. This is my kitty cat, Cokie.

Coke? Who said somethin' about coke?

- - You snorted my kitty cat.

That was pure, uncut kitty cat.

Mom!

What the problem is!

Y'all ain't doin' it right.

You got to scrub like you mean it.

Deep down from your gut. You got to put some stank on it.

Mrs. Ikefire. Coming soon to a theater near you.

Live from the inner city...

it's the East Hollywood Squares.

With Oprah Winfrey, James Earl Jones...

Bobby McFerrin, Rosie Perez...

Pam Grier, Diana Ross...

Martin Lawrence, Martin Lawrence's bodyguard...

Willie Tyler without Lester.

And now the host of East Hollywood Squares...

Peter Marshall.!

Well, thank you very much.

Hello and welcome to the East Hollywood Squares. Hello, stars.

I want you to meet our players. First, Sandy Wallace.

Sandy, you're a homemaker. Is that right?

- Yes, I make homes. - That's nice.

And Dennis Beery here.

He was one of the original engineers on the Santa Monica Freeway. That's nice.

That's correct. We had a little trouble recently, but we're workin' it out.

Oh, that's wonderful. You won the toss backstage. That means you'll start.

But first let's show our home audience the secret square.

Watch this.

All right. Now pick a star.

All right, Peter, I would like to start off with Oprah Winfrey.

- Hi, Oprah. - Hi, Peter.

Here's your question, dear. Listen carefully.

What are the ingredients... the ingredients of a Cobb salad?

Hold on.

- Okay, Peter. - Yeah?

I'll have to say, uh, lettuce...

- uh, bacon... - Mm-hmm.

And, uh, blue cheese...

and, uh, hold on.

Avocado.

Sounds yummy. Well, Dennis, do you agree or disagree?

- I would have to agree. - Uh-huh.

- - "X" gets the square.

All right, Sandy Wallace, it's your, uh, turn to pick a star.

- I'd like to take Bobby McFerrin, please. - All right. Bobby...

Would you do me a favor and just shut up?

Who was the first person to sign the U.S. Constitution?

You heard the man. Do you agree or disagree?

- Um, I think I disagree. - Good for you.

- - Circle gets the square. All righty.

Now, uh, over to you, Dennis.

I would like to try thatJames EarlJones fella.

Say, uh, James Earl, I understand you've added a new dimension to your résumé.

That is correct, Peter. I have a new career...

as an impressionist, and I'm taking my act to Vegas.

Oh, really? Could we hear a little of what you're going to be doing?

Why, certainly. First Tweety Bird.

I "tought" I "taw" a "putty" cat.

That's terrific. Can we hear something else?

And now... Lucille Ball.

- Lucille Ball. -

Ricky, I want to be in your show. Waah.

Uh, Dennis, could you do us a favor and pick somebody else?

All righty. I would like to go up to the second tier...

and the beautiful Rosie Perez.

Rosie Perez. Okay, Rosie.

Rosie, in biology... in biology, what is a bivalent?

How the... am I supposed to know this... Peter?

What do I look like... a... rocket scientist?

Is that what I look like? Just because I got...

You think you can make me look like a... idiot?

You little...

Uh, Rosie, I don't write them. I just read them.

We're just looking for the definition of a bivalent.

- A bivalent? - Yes.

Okay, I'm gonna say a bivalent is a pair...

of homologous synapse chromosomes associated together during meiosis.

- I disagree. -

Terribly sorry. No, no. Rosie was right.

You didn't trust me? You stupid...

Sandy, your turn. And pick a star.

I'll go with Martin Lawrence to win.

Damn! I can't believe I'm the secret square!

What's up? Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

Excuse me.

Uh, can we hurry up with this? 'Cause I got someplace I got to be.

Right. What actor played the title role in The Cosby Show?

The title role in The Cosby Show.

Damn! Damn. Oh, man.

Gina was talkin' about that last night. Damn.

Oh, 'cause, you know, we got to respect our black women. You know what I'm sayin'?

'Cause I be tellin' my bitches that all the time. Damn.

Uh, dude, what's up? Oh, my goodness.

What's up? Oh! Oh! Damn!

- I need a name here. A name. - Damn!

"Da-day-day."

Agree or disagree?

- I'm gonna have to agree. -

No. Terribly sorry. Okay, Dennis.

We can't give you the "X." You'll have to earn that yourself.

I'm gonna go back to that crazy Martin Lawrence for the win.

- You got it. - Hey, watch your mouth.

Name a stand-up comic... a stand-up comic with a short man's complex...

ears open like car doors and three minutes of his 15 minutes of fame left.

Oh, damn!

Damn, you ain't right, you know.

How you gonna dis a brother like Will Smith like that? What's up?

- Well, Martin says Will Smith. - I will, uh, disagree.

- - That's a good choice. "X"gets the square and the game.

Thank you, stars. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

And join us next time here for more fun on... the East Hollywood Squares.

Peter Marshall saying bye-bye.

Yo, I got big crew.

- So what you wanna do? - What you wanna do?

Hello. This is Shelly Miller reporting live from Ft. Lauderdale for Fox News.

I'm joined today by City Councilman Bill Davis.

Mr. Davis, how is this city holding up during spring break?

Well, Shelly, the city is doin'just fine.

This time of year is always a little hectic down here in Florida...

especially the Ft. Lauderdale area.

But as always we are equipped to handle the onslaught...

of tourists and college students such as they are and will be soon.

How long does the spring break season last?

Well, I wish I could tell you it goes on all year. Course that's not the case.

A lot of the year down here it's pretty dull...

and there's just a lot of people stayin' indoors watchin' TV.

But this time of year is great. Not all the colleges take their breaks at the same time.

I've noticed a trend for the east coast colleges...

to have their spring breaks earlier than the Midwestern schools do, such as they are.

What do you think motivates the east coast schools to take their vacation time earlier?

Well, I don't know. I wouldn't have any idea. I'm not a psychic.

- - But I do have a theory on the topic...

and that is that it's a little colder out there...

therefore they like to get rid of that cabin fever...

the sort that makes a man go crazy and do wild things at his home...

earlier than, say, in the Midwest.