It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Just have a seat right there. Would you like a drink or...

- No. -No?

How about a fresh glass of water?

I have to just go back and gather myself with my buddies

-before we start this. Okay? -Okay.

-Right. Good. -But we are on the clock.

Oh, yeah. And for the record, you know,

you might want to jot down how well you're being treated

at this professional establishment.

-Frank, get over here. -Is she from the newspaper?

We are in big trouble.

We gotta come up with a statement for this reporter.

-She's gonna butcher us. -Yeah, this is bad.

Why don't we play dumb? Why do we have to come up with a statement?

Because they found 500 gallons of baby oil dumped in the Schuylkill River.

Wait. Dee might be right, 'cause they can't actually prove that that was us.

Well, the 200 Paddy's pub T-shirts floating around in it

-aren't exactly helping our case, pal. -Yeah, not helping.

This is a good thing. This could be our Paddy's-gate.

-Okay, there you go. -No, but gates aren't a good thing.

I mean, Pizzagate, Watergate.

-Nipplegate. Nipplegate. -Nipplegate.

Janet Jackson's career was never the same.

You're right, what happened--

-Some things you gotta keep covered up. -Based off that. Yeah.

-We've gotta come up with a statement. -Guys, guys, guys, guys!

We can handle this.

I mean this is why we went to that corporate retreat in Idaho.

- Hmm. -Right, right.

We didn't go to the retreat so much as watched clips of it on YouTube,

but, you know, you're right, Mac.

Normally a situation like this would have me clawing all your faces off.

But I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna utilize my words.

I do see your hand is still in a bit of a claw.

Yeah, I was ready to pounce.

I had it hidden behind my head. I was ready...

-Yeah, I hid it behind my leg. -I had a feeling.

-Should we un... -No, let's all unclaw our hands.

-Right? Because that was the old way. - Yeah, yeah.

This is the new way, right?

We've got the tools from the corporate retreat.

-We've got the vocabulary. - Yeah.

We've got these awesome fleece vests inspired by the retreat.

-Oh, my God, I love the fleece. -God, I love these vests.

You can let it all go under here.

I appreciate you springing for that, Frank. Thank you very much.

So, listen, we can handle this unpleasantry

with the grace and elegance of any major corporation

by utilizing a little thought leadership and simply talking this thing out.

First and foremost, the business must be protected at all times.

- Yeah. - Yes.

The business is infinitely more important than any individual.

Yes, we are, of course, a family, but human emotion notwithstanding,

I would be remiss not to mention that we are a business first,

and as a business, we must behave as such.

So I would like to posit, respectfully, of course, that we put forth an offering.

Yes, a lamb if you will.

No, I would say, uh, that lamb right now could be tender and delicious,

but we have kind of bigger issues that we're dealing with

that we need to discuss,

and maybe, you know, eating lamb is not the best thing.

-Momentarily speaking. -Thank you for that, Charlie,

but of course I'm speaking of a sacrificial lamb.

-Ah! -Maybe we need to

walk through the series of events

of the incident to figure out who the fall guy should be,

and I would like to respectfully point out that the phrase is fall "guy."

Thank you for pointing out that gender inequity, Dee.

And, henceforth, let's refer to that position

-as "fall person." - Mmm.

Or we could circle back to, uh, animal-related, uh, conversations.

We could consider "fall fish," uh, or "scapefish" or even "fall bird,"

and then we're back to Dee.

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry guys, but, um,

but my hand is so tightly clenched into a claw.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Same.

-I'm feeling the claw again. - Same.

All right, so why don't we do this?

Let's all take a deep breath before we continue this conversation.

Unclaw our hands.

I think Dee is right.

I think we got to take this mess from the beginning to find out how we got here.

-Uh-huh. - Find out who's really to blame.

Now, as you recall,

it all started several weeks ago...

Whoa!

...when Frank found that jug out back.

- -Yo, let me blow on that.

No, you make sounds when you bang on it, not blow on it.

-No, you blow on it. -No, no. Yeah, yeah.

-It sounds different when you put water... -

-But it's gonna be much deeper, like-- -No, no, no. He's right.

-You don't blow on it-- -If you blow on it like that, it gets--

-You turn it upside-down-- -

-You don't bang on it-- -

That led to a vigorous debate, which in turn led to vigorous clawing

until we decided to stop fighting and, you know, simply get our own jugs.

Annoyingly, however, the jugs were filled with fluid.

What are we supposed to do with all this fluid?

Uh... Yeah, can't really play them as an instrument until we...

-Oh. -Yeah, that's a problem.

We could... w-wash the bar with it.

Uh, you don't wanna wash the bar with a... with a water-based liquid.

- Make a fire and... -Plants love that.

-Make a fire and put water... -Make a fire and put it out.

What are you talking about? We're not gonna make a fire.

-Well, if we start a fire-- -Why would we start a fire?

So we... so we have a reason to use all this liquid.

After an hour-long argument about the best way to dispose of the fluid,

we caved and decided the best way to make the jugs empty

was to simply drink the water.

Now if I'm braising something, is that a way to cook something,

or is that shellacking it?

Like, am I putting sauce on it?

The inadvertent effect of the watercooler

was not just hydration, but conversation.

Is it about the sauce or the cooking technique or both?

-It's about the crisping. -About both.

The water tank became a think tank for business scaffolding,

as well as recent health initiatives and, you know, general interest.

Well, now I've taken to using baby oil almost exclusively when I get out of the shower.

You know, I-I don't know if you guys know this,

but you can actually put a tablespoon of baby oil in your coffee in the morning

and it resets the pH balance of your gut biome.

You drink it?

You know, if you're gonna dump stuff, the best place is the ocean.

I mean, you know, in a pinch, you go to a lake or a river,

but you wanna get rid of something, ocean is the only way to go.

Dennis, how do they get the oil out of the baby?

Do they have to mash the babies up or grind them?

Is it babies that are sick and dying already, or what is the oil--

Don't be an idiot, Charlie. The babies are alive.

They just wring them out like an old rag.

The Cybertruck is by far the coolest piece of machinery

that the space nerd has ever made. Right?

- Absolutely. -I love that truck.

I'm furious that all cars don't look like that.

Dude, totally. You know what it is?

It delivers on the promise of the future from our youth.

-Yes. -Right?

We thought all cars were going to look like that back in the day.

Hard lines, sharp corners, DeLorean-like materials.

Yeah, you know, it's the transportation fitting of a Terminator.

-Totally a Terminator. - Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, it's like a rhombus on wheels.

-Right, right. Absolutely. -That's right.

We were firing on all cylinders,

but things took a most exciting turn when one particular topic was raised.

Gentlemen, what are your thoughts on slap fighting?

Slap fighting? I'm not aware of this.

Oh. Well, let me tell you.

Just like the Cybertruck is the future of transportation,

slap fighting is the future of dispute mitigation.

And, my God, was he right. We had to try our hand at it.

-The Egyptians, they like the cats. -Yeah. They like them.

I know, but it's a... it's a cat-based society, you know what I mean?

Yeah, but I understand that. But--

-The cats are a huge part of their thing. -They like the cats.

Everybody loved it. We swapped out the clawing for slapping.

I mean, we were using it to-to-to settle arguments.

We were using it to end the day, to start the day,

-to say goodbye, to say hello... -

...to celebrate, to mourn, everything, you know.

-But then Mac had a business idea. -

Gentlemen, let's discuss professional slap fighting.

We were all slapped across the proverbial cheeks with this venture.

-Oh, shit. -

Take your shirts off, though.

Whoa!

It was his hand-face-based business venture

that led to the off-lining of certain corporate assets

into various aquatic bodies.

So, Mac is clearly the prime candidate to fall on the metaphorical sword here. Yes?

-Yeah. Sounds good. -Sure. Well, yeah. That adds up, right?

Mm-hmm. That does seem to be the proper mathing. Yes.

Yeah, I do... I do hear you guys on this.

As long as we're outside of the earshot of this reporter,

I'd like to add, you can stick this line of logic up your various assholes.

Hmm.

-All right, that's harsher language... - Interesting point.

...than I thought we were allowed to use here, but...

Also Dennis is leaving out a core friction point.

Things were going smoothly

until Dennis pointed out that the whole thing sorely lacked eroticism.

Slaps and profits have gone up.

-That's great. -Uh-huh.

But chick saturation has gone down.

-That's not good. -Uh-uh.

The whole thing is sorely lacking eroticism.

-The data is alarming. - Yeah.

-Yeah! Yeah, yeah. -Well, let's fix that.

-Go on. -Yeah, yeah.

He pitched something with the eroticism of mud wrestling

and the aggression of a Cybertruck.

The world just has not delivered

on the future that we were promised when we were growing up.

We were promised mud wrestling. We were promised wet T-shirt contests.

We were promised women going wild.

At a certain point, we stopped women from going wild.

Why did we do that?