In Living Color

All right, Mr. Harris. Are you ready to make your opening statement?

Yes, I am, Your Honor.

My client has filed a paternity suit to obtain child support from the father of the child.

And where is the alleged father of the child?

I wish I could tell you that, Your Honor, but...

Your Honor, this is the defendant, Carl "The Tooth" Williams.

Mr. Williams, is this your attorney?

No, he just hangin'.

- Then are you handling yourself? - Not right now.

It's kind of hard to get to it, you know, with the gloves.

Mr. Williams, what I want to know is, will you be acting as your own lawyer?

Well, as the famous scholar Leon Spinks has said...

"Any boxer who represents himself has a fool for a client."

- So you will be representing yourself. - Basically.

Your Honor, I'd like to call Carl "The Tooth" Williams to the stand...

withoutJabba the Hut.

Uh, please.

Raise your right hand.

- Uh... - Mr. Williams!

Please raise your right hand!

Oh. It's great. It's great.

Your other right.

S... Skip it.

You promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?

It's all good.

Your Honor, I will prove that this man was intimate with my client...

the night of May the eighth...

at the Snooty Fox Motel on Crenshaw.

Ah, see, that's a lie 'cause, see, the Snooty Fox is on Western.

No, actually, it's on Vermont. Please continue.

- I thought I saw... - Continue.

Uh, Mr. Williams, my client was the card girl at your bout...

against Razor Ruddock.

- Do you recognize her? - Uh, look, man.

Sometime within that whole round, I was knocked into a coma...

so, you know, I don't really... you know.

And when did you come out of that coma?

Uh, very soon, hopefully.

Okay!

If it pleases the court, I'd like to show you Exhibit "A."

"A" is for Apple, "J" is forJack.

Cinnamon-toasted AppleJacks.

Order! Get to the point, please.

- You need a good breakfast, and that where it's at. - Mr. Harris.

All right. It started off with AppleJacks.

All right, now, look.

This bra was found on the floor in your hotel room.

- Explain that to us. Can you do that? - Well, after...

- Explain it, man! - Hey, brother. It's all good.

Well, basically, see, what had happened was is that we ran out of coffee filters...

and I said, " Hey, look. What you doing with that around your chest, Miriam?"

So we used that.

And then I had told her that my nipples had dilated.

And I needed, uh...

I needed... I needed...

I needed some circumference.

I want the truth!

You can't handle The Tooth!

You weep for Santiago because he had no code, he had no honor.

Now, can I go now?

Mr. Harris, get on track, please.

If it pleases the court, I'd like to re-create...

the events of that evening.

If it please me, I would like for you to "coliferate"...

the same, uh, "crustination."

Will the plaintiff please approach the bench, please?

Come on. You're all right.

Like, it's all right.

It's the night of May the eighth, 1992.

Damn! I'm still writing checks and puttin' 1977 on 'em.

I knew they were sending the checks back for some...

The two of you check in to the Snooty Fox Motel.

- Anyway, Urkel. - You went into the...

Your Honor, I will admit that Urkel is about my age now.

You went into the Snooty Fox under the name Carl "The Tooth" Williams.

As you had mentioned, that is ridiculous! Why would I make up a name like that?

Sir, that is your real name.

In this country.

Besides the fact that you look like you've been chewing on black jelly beans...

what happened next?

I'll tell you what happened.

He took me up to my room, and everything happened so quickly.

I mean, the whole thing lasted maybe two minutes.

I went down for a quick count!

After the fight is what the hell we're talkin' about here.

- Is that what we talkin' about? - That's what we talkin'about.

- Well, step on. - At the hotel!

Well, after the fight, you know, she was coming at me pretty hard.

She was hittin' below the belt.

But I stuck with my "scragedy." I was stickin' and movin', stickin' and movin'!

Yeah!

So, from what I can tell...

he is admitting that he had relations with my client.

No. We just had sex.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

Anybody in their right mind can see that this child...

was fathered by The Tooth.

Oh, no. See, this can't be my child 'cause his Jheri curl ain't wetted down.

It's all dried up. He ain't got no teeth in his head. What's going on?

- Hey! - Come on, Tooth!

I think he got me with a sucker punch, man. I need a rematch.

This is ridiculous! Come on!

From the makers of Philadelphia...

the story of one man's struggle to stay out of the closet...

San Francisco.

Mr. Beckett, we used to consider you a top-flight attorney at this firm.

We'd give you a job, and you'd get right on it.

- But lately you've been careless and sloppy. - What are you talking about?

You misplaced the files for the Liberace estate!

Last night you claimed that you were with a client, and we got photos of you.

You care to explain that?

That's my friend Frank! He looks great in a dress.

Oh, really? Maybe you'd like to explain that little white mark there on your finger!

That's where I wear my college ring.

Isn't that the traditional wedding ring finger of a breeder?

- Breeder? - Breeder.

Breeder, breeder. Breeder, breeder, breeder!

- I can't remember! - Of course you can't remember 'cause you never saw it!

How many heterosexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

- That's not funny! - I told you he was straight!

Mr. Beckett, your services are no longer required!

- Are you saying I'm fired? - Bitch, did I stutter?

I need an attorney. I've been fired by my law firm... Nelson, Tenderloin and Sugarstein.

I need someone who can think like them, get inside their heads, play their games.

Someone like you, RuPaul.

- Am I that obvious? - Well, yeah, kind of.

Well, you're cute. I'll take your case.

Thank you.

Listen, what was the real reason why you think you got fired?

- Well, they found out I was straight. -

Tom Hanks and RuPaul starring in San Francisco...

coming out to a theater near you.

This... is...

The Dirty Dozens Tournament of Champions!

Now entering our studio...

a five-time champion from uptown New York...

T- Dog Jenkins.!

Another five-time champion from Houston's Fifth Ward...