Hap and Leonard

God!

Ho-Ho Mambo Original air date March, 15th 2018

Coulda just said you didn't want no chicken.

Whatcha doin' sittin' around in your drawers with a gun, nohow?

And, my God, man, cross your legs or somethin'.

Nobody wants to see your damn balls.

That not why you came out here?

Why did you come out here?

Eh, wife caught me smoking in the garage.

Figured I'd take a ride, lay low till she cooled down.

Yeah.

Eh, I figured I'd check on you.

Went by Leonard's place first.

Them friends of his said he was sleeping.

Jesus, Hap.

You look like the dead ass of a roadkill possum.

Was Sneed.

How's that?

In Grovetown.

Sneed was in Grovetown.

That's really not nice.

What the hell are you doin' here, Sneed?

I work here.

I heard you got fired from LaBorde.

I resigned.

What brings you two to Grovetown?

Aw, got to missin' your pretty tight ass.

Thought I'd come by and have me a look.

But don't worry.

Wasn't worth the drive.

Officer Reynolds,

meet Hap Collins and Leonard Pine.

Pine's the "Smartest Black Man in the World."

I got this, Sneed.

Yes, ma'am.

This your car?

What's left of it.

Did you know you are illegally parked?

Uh, uh, no.

No, I-I didn't.

I'm gonna have to write you up for that.

I-Is... Is there anything else about this car you notice?

We'll get a tow truck to move it to a garage.

Welcome to Grovetown.

Thank you, ma'am.

That's Officer Reynolds to you.

I appreciate it.

Officer Reynolds.

Sneed, you can drive these boys to Rocket's.

Yes, ma'am.

Nice little town you found yourself back there, Sneed.

Friendly as a rattlesnake.

I didn't exactly have the best references.

Shoulda asked me.

Look, I made some mistakes back in LaBorde,

and I'm sorry for it...

especially about me and you, Leonard.

Truth is, after what happened,

I had a long look in the mirror,

and I didn't like what I saw.

I wish I could go back and change it, but...

life just moves forward, don't it?

So let me ask you a question.

Just who are you?

And where's that turd stain that was just driving us?

Look, I just wanted to say it.

You believe what you want.

You never did tell me what you're here for.

Looking for Florida Grange.

Came down here on a business trip.

Never made it back to LaBorde.

Now nobody knows where she is.

That's funny.

Define "funny."

I heard she left town.

From who?

Chief Cantuck.

He's the boss man down here.

[FREDDIE KING'S "I HEAR JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS]

Whatcha want ya for Christmas, huh?

You want your little Hula-Hoop?

All right, look,

you don't tug on Santa's whiskers, now.

Take away Santa's beard, he ain't nothin' but a man.

You ever seen a hairless cat?

Just bald head to tail.

You babies remember Aunt Peg? Huh?

Oh, look at you two, all growed up!

You gonna go make some shadow puppets and, uh...

That's the sorriest Santa I ever saw.

- - He's gonna scare the kids.

I told him to shower first,

but he didn't wanna mess with his hair.

Officer, you mind keepin' an eye on these two?

Of course.

Not like I'm trying to run a police station or any...

- Thank you, Peg. - What I got?

Detective Blank.

My office.

All right. Come on, now. Love "Santy's" neck.

There you go.

That's a... Whoa, ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas.

Glad I kept the receipt.

Get that suit from Goodwill?

Mm. It's only been worn a few times.

Besides, beats the hell out of

spendin' the day with the wife and in-laws.

You know what she got me for Christmas?

- What's that? - Carton of nicotine gum.

You heard from Hap Collins?

No, but I went by Leonard's.

He's got a couple chuckle-heads watching the place.

Seems he took him a little trip to Grovetown with Hap.

God damn it, Charlie.

When were you gonna tell me about that?

Well, I just found out about it.

Shit.

What'd you think was gonna happen,

them two sewed together at the dicks?

Hell, I knew they were dumb.

I didn't think that they were that dumb.

Never underestimate their dumbness.

Anyway, you don't need me anymore,

I got to go out and make merry.

You know, uh, it ain't my place to say maybe, but, uh...

I don't believe I'd sent Hap Collins down there,

it was me.

Shit happens down there.

Thank you, Charlie.

Chief Cantuck wants you to handle this one,

being how he's your people and all.

Wants him buried quick.

What's the hurry?

He ain't goin' nowhere.

Just clean him up and get him in the ground.

No autopsy?

No reason for it.

How long you plannin' on being here?

Long as we have to, not a minute more.

He means until we find Florida.

She was here, somebody'd know it.

Ain't the kinda place a black woman on her own

wouldn't stand out.

We'll see.

As soon as your car's fixed,

you best be on your way, you hear?

Ain't nobody here.

I mean, it is Christmas.

Leonard.

Yeah?

Sneed was laughin' at us, wasn't he?

Aw, no, Hap.

Probably on his way back to the orphanage right now

to go do some volunteer work.

What you think?

Think he's still laughin' at us.

All the way back to town.

And it's a long way back to town.