The Comeback

Do I have to come to your pilot taping?

What? Yeah. Yes, you have to come. You're my good luck charm.

You come to all my pilot tapings.

I don't see how that makes me good luck. So many don't go.

Okay, desperate to learn this Act One speech, Mark.

It's a real tongue-twister, okay?

Well, who would even come with me?

I mean, on Room and Bored, I used to take Greg and Stephanie.

We'd all go out for margaritas after.

- That was fun. - Mm-hmm.

So, why don't you ask Greg and Steph...

I am not inviting a man who fired me via email

to a sitcom taping, Val.

Alright, what about one of your pickleball guys?

They're just pickle people.

Well, new chapter, new friends.

No, pickleball guys are site-specific.

Okay.

No, sir, I am not repeating myself. The first B&B stands for Boone and Beth.

That's my dearly departed brother and myself.

The second B&B stands for Bread and Breakfast.

Bed and Breakfast.

No, sir, I am not repeating.

The first B&B stands for Boone and...

Forgot my name.

No, sir, I am not repeating. The first B&B stands for Broom...

Alright, how am I gonna do this? Alright, gotta just say it fast.

Boone and Beth's Bed and Breakfast.

Boone and Beth's Bed and Bread... Bread and Bre... Ugh.

The second B&B stands for Boone and Beth's Bed and Breakfast.

B&B, B and Brie... B.

B&B, not B and Brie. They're not serving cheese.

Alright, that sounds good. Do we have any?

No, sir, I'm not repeating. The first B&B stands for B-Boone and Beth.

Boone and Beth's Bed and Breakfast.

Boone and Beth's Bed and Breakfast.

Boone and Beth's Bed and Breakfast.

Boone and Beth's Bed and Breakfast.

Boone and Beth's Bed and Breakfast.

No, sir. I am not repeating. The first B&B stands for...

What does it stand for?

Boone! And Beth. Bed! And Breakfast.

B&B, B&B.

Boone and Beth's Bed and Breakfast. Boone and Beth's Bread and Bre... Jesus.

Not gonna cry. The second B&B

stands for... Not humanly possible.

Fucking AI.

Alright, get ready

to clap those hands and stamp those feet.

It's time to introduce the star of How's That?!

You loved her on I'm It!

You loved her on Room and Bored.

You loved her on The Comeback.

You loved her on Seeing Red.

You loved her on The Traitors.

- Here she is... - Mrs. Hatt.

- Forgot Mrs. Hatt. - the one and only Valerie Cherish!

Valerie, we love you!

Val! Look who I brought. Fernando.

Welcome, Fernando.

Yeah, so you play pickleball with Mark?

Fernando's a doorman in our building.

- Oh. - Mrs. Berman, it's me.

Oh, yeah, I didn't recognize you without your uniform on.

- So... - Oh, 'cause I have to wear the uniform

buttoned all the way up.

Yeah, I didn't even know he had a tattoo.

- Alright, here we go. - What?

What's happening right now? What?

- Cool, right? - Uh-huh.

Yeah, as much as I'd love to talk tattoos with you,

- I need to work, okay? - Mrs. Berman.

- Yeah? - Are you famous?

Yeah.

Mrs. Berman!

- You're famous. - Okay, yeah.

And I just wanna remind everybody, you know,

we are in a live taping, alright?

So, please don't call out during the show, okay?

What's this guy's fucking problem?

Places, everybody!

Okay, before we start taping in front of you,

we're gonna show you something first.

- Oh. - We call it a cold open.

This is a scene we had to tape earlier today

because it has some technical surprises in it.

Where are you, my sweet guy?

Hmm? Can't hide forever.

Come out, and I'll do that thing you love.

I'll spank your little fanny just the way you like it.

Oh, there you are.

Aw! Well, good morning, Guy.

- Aww. - A deal's a deal.

I'm gonna set you down and tap dat ass.

Isn't that cute?

I heard it on a streaming show.

Let me just fluff your cushion for you.

Oh.

Either I need to dust more or buy a case of Claritin.

Sorry, but the ass play is gonna have to wait.

I heard that on a streamer, too.

Been so busy in my art studio, I guess I missed some cleaning days,

or years.

Oh.

You could use a little dusting, too.

And I thought I was the only thing barely hanging on here.

And cut!

Well, that last joke didn't fly.

- No. - I'd forgotten how awful

moments like this are.

- Uh-huh. - And that's the end

of our cold open!

We need a new blow.

- I didn't think... No. - I love your energy.

- Jimmy, that last thing was... - Yeah, agreed.

I was just saying to Mary that we need a new blow.

- I think it's fine, Jimmy. - If by "fine,"

you mean the only one who laughed was the writer.

Okay, no, we'll just cut out right after the crash?

Beth needs a line.

She needs a reaction to the fact that the ceiling just fell in.

Okay. I'm so sorry. Yeah, she cannot have mac and cheese again.

She had that for last... Yeah, she had it...

- What's happened? - Joshy.

New jokey.

I like it, it tells us Beth's fragile emotional state.

It shows us how she and the house are falling apart. It's smart.

Yeah, hard to top the big crash, though.

We need a harder laugh.

A lot of you didn't raise your hand.

- A lot of you didn't raise... - I can't do this all night.

On Fetch, we learned to trust our own voice, so.

So, I guess Fetch wasn't funny.

Oh, Jimmy. Pilot cold open, okay?

The end can't just lay there. People are gonna click away.

And they'll never come back.

- I know. - Gotta...

Hey, writer's assistant, are you a writer?

Well, I mean, I'm... Hopefully. That's my goal.

'Cause I wanna get, like, a really nice house.

And you thought TV writer in this day and age was the way to go?

Isn't it?

Hey! You know what is a good way to get our energy up?

I say we dance!

- What does Hal have? - It's Al.

Al. Hal. Same evil computer character.

We need a joke

about how surprised she is that the house is falling apart.

Mrs. Berman!

- Okay. It's just... - Okay, I have 15 responses.

Already? Fifteen? Okay.

One, "I'm so surprised the house is falling apart."

Well, there's hope. That's not gonna put any writers out of business.

Oh, that one's mine.

Is it?

- Yeah. - You love it! We love it!

The rest are all Allassist pitches.

- Okay, what have we got? - Which one do you think, Jimmy?

Let's go with four. Four will do.

Bev, we're gonna need a lot of dust upstage.

- We're gonna reshoot the blow. - Copy.

We're gonna reshoot the blow! Got it, Val?

- Yeah, got it. - Here we go, people.

Looks like we are going to be redoing the end

of the cold open, live!

- Whoa! - Alright, so let's remember,

the ceiling piece had just fallen

and Beth was shocked.

Hazard pay.

And action!

Well, I guess those ants were termites!

Cut it! Bang, bang, moving on.

- Aw. - Oh!

- Oh, Marky-Mark. - Great show, so funny.

Aw, thank you.

Yeah, you leave your friend alone there?

What? No, he's okay, he's talking to the warm-up guy.

Okay. Listen, I have to do reshoots, so you two go have margaritas without me.

Oh, okay.

- Listen to me, man. - Mark?

Never get up in my face

- like that again. - Are you serious?

- Go. Maybe go, yeah. - Yeah.

- You can't be serious, dude. - I know the star.

Sorry, they were a lot prettier before that second fall off the sun porch.

You've never heard of 1-800-FLOWERS, Wilson?

Beth Benedict, I'm, I'm...

- I'm slipping. - Oh.

Well, these flowers need water.

I'm fine!

And cut.

- You guys okay? - It's fine.

- It's not fine. - It's midnight, it's fine.

Okay, that's a wrap on the pilot, everybody!

- Aw. - Thank you very much!

Are you gonna be like this the whole time?

Mary, our names are on a 1-800-FLOWERS joke.

- Josh. - Aw, Bev, thank you.

- Oh, sure. - Thank you, yeah.

Aw, Zeke, thank you!