Brooklyn Nine-Nine

- Hey, Jakey, the place on the corner

is serving lemonade, and you get to keep the jar.

It's pretty cool.

Yes, that's very cool, Scully.

Mm-hmm.

- Will you excuse me just one moment?

Oh, sure.

Guys, guys, guys!

Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade.

- You called us in here to tell us that?

- No, I called you in here to change your lives!

For, you see, a mere five minutes ago,

Hitchcock introduced me

to his new goldfish, who lives in...

An identical mason jar!

Oh, this isn't gonna end well.

- There are two possible outcomes,

and we're going to bet on which one happens first.

So, will Hitchcock put fish food

in Scully's lemonade,

or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish?

Now, you would think that

putting fish food into lemonade...

- Hitchcock just drank his own fish.

What?

Nooo!

Ames, you're two minutes late.

I called all the emergency rooms.

I know.

I went home from your place to shower,

and I'm so tired that I fell asleep

while shaving my legs.

But we went to bed so early.

"Property Brothers" was over at 10:00.

I mean... sex.

We do it.

She's tired from all the doing it.

- Who are you talking to? - Precinct.

- Come on, man. - Yeah.

No, I was up all night

because your dumb, lumpy mattress is so uncomfortable.

- What? But I gave you the good lump.

Ugh, please stop talking

till I finish eating my coffee.

- Ooh, a lover's quarrel.

No, I'm just tired.

I didn't ask for part two.

Never fear, Amy,

for I have the solution to all of your problems:

highly potent liquid speed.

Oh, you gonna love that stuff.

- Devon, we're cops. Read the room.

But I know you'll be excited, because I busted Devon here

with four vials of this, which is a new drug called...

- Taxi! You actually found some?

- Yup. Your CI was right.

It's popping up on the corners.

Man, my snitches are the best.

The key is to always send them handwritten thank-you notes.

Oh. So what do you say?

Shall we take this partnership from the sheets to the streets?

- Ooh, our first case as a couple.

- Why not? - Hey, guys.

I just discovered a new drug too.

It's called "your relationship," and I'm high on it.

- Charles, I'm gonna need you to back off, man.

- Roger that. - Yeah.

- All right. I'll take one.

Now, go sell your candy to everyone else, stupid.

- Hey, hey, hey. You can't call a kid stupid.

What if he's really stupid?

- Terry, this is Sam, my little brother

from Brooklyn's Big Brothers.

- I think it's funny when she calls me stupid.

- No one cares, stupid. - Screw you, Rosa.

- Sam's selling candy to pay for his basketball uniforms.

He's a forward. I taught him how to elbow.

Cool?

- Now, go home and do all your homework,

or I will end you.

Don't let Rosa fool you.

She's not that scary.

She used to do ballet.

No way.

- Which gave me the physical skills I need

to strangle you with my feet.

Now scram.

I love being a mentor.

- It's called "taxi" because it's yellow,

and it takes you where you need to be.

- Drug dealers have gotten so creative.

It used to just be "crack," and then they'd be like,

"Hey, we got a new one. What are we gonna call this?"

And they'd go, "I don't know, crank?"

- This is certainly worth following up on.

Santiago, take Boyle, and work the case.

- Oh, but Jake... I mean, Detective Peralta

brought in the perp, so...

Good point.

Peralta and Boyle can work the case.

- Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping

we could work the case together.

Oh, are you two no longer...

Smooshing booties?

Yes, that's exactly

how I was gonna finish my sentence.

- Figured. - We are still dating.

It's all above board.

HR gets daily updates

and are BCC'd on all our emails to each other.

- That's why HR Jim keeps high-fiving me.

- As a rule, I don't put couples in the field together,

but you are two of my best detectives,

so I will allow it.

Just don't let any personal issues

distract you from your work.

- You have nothing to worry about.

There's no personal issues here.

We've never even had a fight. - It's true.

Our only close call

was when Jake didn't know who Will Shortz was.

Really?

Never heard of the Puzzlemaster?

This is who you want to be with?

I shouldn't get involved.

Good luck with the case.

Thank you.

- Whoa, what's up with you, Furiosa?

I'm in a huff, that's what,

because of what just happened in the garage.

What? Nuh-uh.

How am I supposed to... Come on!

Some clown clown-parked his clown car

in Captain Holt's spot and halfway into mine.

What a clown!

- Sporty? - Mm-hmm.

- Convertible? - Yeah, that's the one.

Oh, I hate people who drive sports cars.

You're not Gloria Estefan, and this isn't Miami.

- Charles. - Hey, Captain.

Get ready to join me in the huff zone.

- No. - Some creep had the gall...

- I saw you drove Gertie to work this morning,

huh, Captain? - Oh, yes.

Kevin and I finally brought her up from the country.

Gertie is our convertible.

I think you'd like her.

She's a real peppy broad.

- Oh, I didn't realize that was your car.

My car?

Oh, "Raymond Holt" may be on the title,

but no man can own her spirit.

Anyway, I'm sorry, Bole. I interrupted you.

You were saying something about some creep.

- Just some strangler that I was... arrested.

I was talking about some strangler that I arrested.

- Well, good job. Put the paperwork on my desk.

Thank you.

Great.

Now I have to go find a strangler.

- Hey. - Hey.

So I marked all the corners

where taxi has been spotted on this map.

You'll probably notice right away

that it makes the shape of a boob.

This looks great.

Confirms Devon's story.

He says his dealer hangs out here,

in the underboob.

He said he'll point him out to us.

So you approach on foot from the south,

and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Me and Devon"?

Didn't you mean "Devon and I"?

- Oh, God. - I corrected your grammar!

Are you so proud of me?

Are you horrified?

Are you super horny?

- I'm just really tired. Leave me alone.

- Don't you mean leave "I" alone?

No, that one felt wrong.

I guess we're equally bad at grammar.

I'm not bad at grammar.

I'm exhausted because you refuse to get a new mattress!

- All right, why don't you just get a new back?

I didn't mean that.

We're not fighting.

We can totally work together. We're fine.

Yeah, that wasn't a fight.

That was just sexy workplace banter.

Exactly.

I mean, mattresses are also sexy

'cause that's where you do it.

Yeah.

And grammar is a system of language

involving syntax and semantics.

Also sexy.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Point is, we're good. - Yeah.