Archer

FXX presents ...

The following program is rated TV MA LV

It contains Strong language, Violence and Nudity

It's intended only for the Matured Audiences

Where in the...

No, I'm sure it was...

I swear, if that girl...

- Lanaluakalani! - Yes, Father?

Come in here this very instant!

I tell you, this is the last straw!

- Pff. - Do not "pff" me, woman!

- Pff! - That child of yours

has gone too far. I tell you,

this time, I shall really punish her!

Ugh, ugh, ughm!

You called, Father?

- Where is it? - Where is what?

The map to the sacred Tupua.

- Tupua? - Oka Atua,

Do not play dumb with me.

You know exactly what I am talking about, child.

Now, where is it?

I'm sure I don't know.

And why would anyone want a map to some moldy old statue?

Because of its magical powers!

Oh, that's just a silly native legend.

Do you even... We're natives!

You know what I mean.

I know what you think I mean.

I mean I...

You know what I think?

I think you made some sort of deal

with this ese mai fafo, the German.

Whaaaat?

Yes, and I think,

in your profound ignorance

of the awesome power of the Tupua,

you gave him the map!

Whaaaat?

In exchange for enough money

to go live among the papalangi in New York City again

and open another...

- What was it? - Failed Art Gallery.

Oh, come on! There was this little thing

called the Great Depression.

Well, and you don't know anything about art.

I do so!

Oh, ho, hoh! Please.

You thought the Dutch masters were just a kind of cigar.

I told you that in confidence!

- Pff. - You have raised a fool!

Because the Tupua is a legend for a reason,

and you have no idea of its power!

And once that German snake finds it, he will be long gone,

so I hope at least he paid you in advance!

Ugh, ughm! Scuse me.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

Well, if that sneaky little schnitzel

thinks he's gonna flimflam Princess Lanaluakalani,

he has got another thing...

Are you out of your mind?

- Sacré bleu! - Ow!

What the hell is the matter with you people?

Ow!

Well, I, for one, am starving,

so please tell me you have oysters.

*ARCHER (2009)* Season 09 Episode 06

*ARCHER (2009)* Episode Title: Danger Island : "Some Remarks on Cannibalism"

Who the hell taught you how to drive?

Me? Who the hell taught him how to drive?

- Ugh, mm! - Oh, for the...

and where the hell were you going in such a hurry?

None of your beeswax!

Wait. Where were you going?

- None of... - We're searching for a sacred idol.

- What? - God damn it!

No, you can't.

I... forbid it!

- Excuse me? - I forbid it!

As princess, I forbid

the looting of Mitimotu's cultural artifacts

by you, you... Europeans!

- Code for "white." - And what of it?

And what color are your Germans, eh?

Uh! Damn it, the Germans!

- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Hey, whoa, whoa! Un moment.

Where do you think you're going?

To beat the Germans to the idol!

No, we're gonna beat Archer to it.

- Archer? - Yes. So get in line, sister!

Oh, I'm at the head of it!

Why, you little...

- Do something! - I, uh...

commandeer this véhicule!

You what?

All right! Enough fun. Now, back to business!

Ja, shooting those damn cannibals!

Remember, you promised we could!

Don't worry, men, we will kill anyone

who dares to interfere with our mission

to bring the ultimate power to the fatherland!

- Whoo! - Ja!

All right already!

Come on, we don't need all this junk!

That crate is just gin! And vermouth!

Now, move it, big boy.

We can't let Sterling beat us to that damn idol.

- That won't be too hard... - God damn it, bird!

Because he's stuck in quicksand!

- What? Where? - Really?

Quicksand! Pam too!

And I don't know how much time they have left!

- Before... - They die!

Do you think it's enough time for us to tootle on over,

grab the idol, and then come back and save them?

No!

Don't get chippy with me, bird!

I'm with her. First we secure the idol,

and then we can rescue them.

- Exactly. - For the love of God, woman!

Your son... is going... to die!

Oh, all right!

Take us to the damn quicksand.

But I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts

they've already escaped, found the idol,

and are just yukking it up!

Don't!

Don't say a word.

I'm mad enough at you as it is.

I was gonna say I wonder what I'm gonna taste like.

'Cause this whole crazy thing's

kinda got me thinking about if I'd ever,

you know, like, eat a person.

And not in a starvation-type deal

like the Donner party or whatever.

That goes without saying.

Your fat white ass is pioneer jerky.

I'm talking about where you voluntarily

eat a guy like he's just damn dinner.

Or a woman. Ooh, or a teenage girl.

But I wouldn't want her to get killed

just so I could eat her, so maybe... I don't know...

What if it was one of these native girls'

confirmation or whatever,

so she gets a ceremonial bath,

scrubbed head to toe,

and then her whole body gets shaved...

Why...

Shut up. Let me finish.

But then on the way to the ceremony,

this tender, hairless young thing

has a massive yet painless brain aneurysm

and... falls into a vat of braising liquid?

- Why the hell would... - Wow!

- What the... You just described, - Huh? - Huh?

Almost word for word,

what's gonna happen to you guys over the next two days.

I mean, is that goose bumps or what?

- Who... - Uh, except for the aneurysm.

Who the hell are you?

- I'm Noah. - Besso ekla baht!

Ek eklan oki!

Wait. You speak their language?

Uh, yeah, I should hope so.

I mean, I've been here almost four years now, so...

Four years? So there's no way to escape?

Um... well, I suppose...

Well, there's probably...

Oh, gosh, I mean... I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know, idiot?

Haven't you even tried?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not their captive.

I'm doing my doctoral dissertation on the Mua Mua.

I'm an anthropologist.

- Wh... a spider scientist? - What?

- That's an arachnologist. - Like you would know!

No, no, it is. An anthropologist...

I know what an anthropologist is!

- No, he doesn't. - Nobody does!

An anthropologist studies human beings

and their societies and cultures.

The Mua Mua, for example...

Zakila gizona!

Ek ezan oki!

- Are assholes. - Yeah, right?

So then how about it, man? Help us escape.

- Yeah! - No, no, no, no, no, no.

I couldn't do that. I-I'm here to document.

I can't interfere. What?

Even after they ate your goddamn arm?

Oh, yeah. Man, that was really...

Eggelak!

Dongay emakume!

What is she saying?

That I taste like chicken.

Which to them is, like, the worst.

- What the... - What's that?

Oh, uh, okay. Uh, well, I gotta go.

Uh, maybe I'll see you guys later, or maybe not.