The McCarthys

Busier than usual here tonight.

This is why we should never leave the house.

You said parking meters were why

we should never leave the house.

And birds.

And the wind.

All right, welcome to Team Trivia Night,

a new weekly event here at Dolan's Pub.

Great. Now it's a nerd bar.

Per usual, we are embracing change with grace and dignity.

You're no better, Ronny.

You practically cried when the new $20 bill came out.

Andrew Jackson's hair looks crazy!

People are really getting into this trivia garbage.

They even have team T-shirts.

Oh, yeah. That lesbian team's pretty clever.

You can't assume they're lesbians, Mom.

Their shirts say, "You've Got Questions,

We've Got Lesbi-answers."

All right, let's get started.

"Who holds the NBA career record for steals?"

John Stockton.

Also, all-time leader in shortest shorts.

Mm-hmm.

Looked like he was playing in a diaper.

"What is Europe's second longest river?"

The Danube.

Wow, Ma. You know your geography.

Well, you know your father.

Instead of splurging on vacations,

he shows me documentaries about different lands.

What is this?

The Invasion of Normandy.

Still want to go to France?

Hey, the History Channel never loses your luggage.

You're welcome.

Hey, you can't look up stuff on your phone.

Relax, nerd.

I'm not playing. I'm checking a text.

Ugh, what a night.

First this guy's narcing on me,

and now my sister and her family are coming for a visit.

I'm sorry. I fear I took that out on you.

It's just that,

every year, my sister comes to town,

and rubs my face into how great her life is.

I'm just trying to play the game.

Hey, you spoke to me, sir.

"What Oscar-nominated actress played dual roles

as the Hughes twins on As The World Turns?"

Julianne Moore.

Oh, Julianne Moore.

She's the gal who played Mary Tyler Moore.

No, that would be Mary Tyler Moore.

Wait. Ma, didn't Aunt Eileen already visit this year?

Yeah, this is a bonus visit, because your cousin Rebecca

is getting a doctorate from Harvard.

I'm sick of Rebecca flapping her gums about Harvard.

Hey, Harvard, your school color's not crimson.

It's maroon.

And Crimson's actually their mascot.

They're so smart, but they couldn't think of an animal.

I can think of four right now.

Ever since we were kids,

Rebecca's been so competitive with us.

You really think Rebecca considers you two her competition?

She's getting her second degree from Harvard.

Sean can name four animals.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Yeah, and I just thought of two more, smart guy.

And our final question.

"American poet Dixon Lanier Merritt's

well-known limerick is about what bird?"

A pelican.

A wonderful bird is the pelican.

A wonderful nerd is the Ronny.

And here are the correct answers.

John Stockton, The Danube, Julianne Moore, and the pelican.

Good. It's over.

Now why don't you all go home

and have your cats quiz you on state capitals?

You guys, we got them all right.

Maybe we should sign up as a team.

No way.

- Ugh! - Boo!

You know, I think it might be fun.

All right.

- Sure. - Let's do it!

You guys go and have your fun.

I don't see the point.

As always, tonight's winner gets a $50 Dolan's gift card.

- I'm in. - Great!

So, we'll spend some time together, and enjoy some healthy competition.

I'm gonna hunt you down and hurt you.

And for the final question in the Lightning Round...

"What sport was developed in England in the 1800s

and was originally derived from hurling?"

Field hockey!

- Correct! - (Cheering)

Come on, lesbians. That was yours for the taking.

That's game, and once again,

the $50 Dolan's gift card goes to The Smarty Pints.

- Yeah, yeah. - You know, it is really great to see a family

- come together... - Yeah, yeah, just hand over the card.

Four weeks in a row!

- Go, Smarty Pints! - Okay.

I hate to bring us down after our incredible victory...

You were warned.

... but the dinner with Eileen's family is coming up,

and so, we have to go over our talking points,

and we have to figure out how we can be impressive.

Ma, aren't we impressive enough?

Come on, Jackie. Be a part of the solution.

So, let's see.

What happened this year that we can rub in Eileen's face?

I got in the High School Hall of Fame.

Nice. Sean's leading the pack.

Huh. You don't hear that much.

Gerard got a new coaching job,

Ronny and Arthur's team is undefeated,

- and Jackie's having a baby. That's right.

You can brag about that.

I will with just one tweak.

Instead of the baby's father being six feet under,

let's say that he is six feet tall

and out of town on business.

Mom, you're gonna make up some fictitious guy?

That's insulting to Jackie.

Can I call him Pedro?

I think she's okay with it.

So, what, you're gonna keep this lie going the rest of our lives?

No, Ronny. I'm sure that eventually,

Jackie will meet a great guy who's sweet and kind,

and who understands that one weekend a year, he's Pedro.

Okay, you look pretty.

Handsome, handsome, handsome.

You look happy. What's wrong with you?

I'm looking forward to seeing your sister.

I like Eileen.

You just like that she takes us out to a fancy diner.

I think of her, I think of steak.

That's more than I can say about most people.

I hate how she always chooses a place

that's outside of our price range,

and then insists on paying.

I agree. Nothing worse than consistent generosity.

I know my sister seems nice, but you didn't grow up with her.

You don't know what she's capable of.

It was a brisk autumn's day...

Please, not the rocking horse story again.

It was a brisk autumn's day.

Have fun with your new rocking horses, girls.

Do you like yours, Eileen?

Yours is pink.

The next morning, Pinky was dead.

We know.

We've heard this story a thousand...

The next morning, Pinky was dead.

My dad accidentally backed over her in the driveway.

And who put her out there?

I'll tell you who. Eileen!

No! Your own sister?

Sean, we hear this story every year.

And every year, she brings it to life.

But killing my horse wasn't enough,

because ever since then,

Eileen has devoted her life to one-upping me.

Mom, I'm gonna put on my guidance counselor's hat here.

Ugh! Not that hat from last year.

I wore that one time!

Swing and a miss.

My point is, Mom, every year, you tell us this story.

Have you ever thought of telling your sister how you feel?

Well, let me get this straight.

Are you saying I should share my feelings?

Yes!

Ronny, that's crazy.

I hope you're not telling students to do things like that.

If you keep this buried inside,

one day, it's just gonna boil over.

Not if you tamp it down hard enough.

- Way to go, Ma. - Tamp it.

You're an inspiration.

So, Eileen, Ray, how was your flight?

Aw, terrific. Just terrific.

Well, first class isn't what it used to be.

It's so much better.

Oh, we know.

We've flown first class.

Oh, Marjorie, that's terrific.

Sure was. Four years ago, we were going to Florida.

I fell on the tarmac, so they had to bump us up.

Anyway...

We were literally dancing in the aisle.

Really pissed off the stewardesses.

- Arthur. - Sorry. Flight attendants.

So, where's Cole?

Oh, he'll be joining us here soon.

You know, I don't know if I mentioned it,

- but Cole came out a few months ago. - Mm-hmm.