The Great North

In honor of the six‐month anniversary

of Wolf and Honeybee's meeting, everyone gets

six eggs, six pancakes,

six glasses of orange juice,

- and six cups of coffee. - Looks great, Dad. Very normal.

Since Wolf and Honeybee meeting was a dream come true for them,

maybe we should go around the table and all share our dreams.

Well, I'm living my dreams.

My sleep is purely for recuperating.

I had a dream I was Eleanor Roosevelt's personal assistant

and I just kept saying, "You go, girl!"

I dreamt that I was being chased by a bear.

But then I was the bear, and the bear had to poop, so I did.

And then I woke up...

and I had.

I dreamt that I was in a giant pool,

but instead of water, it was filled with guacamole.

And I was floating on a big chip.

Baby, that's the third guacamole dream this week.

Ooh! This is great stuff.

Recurring guacamole dreams are exactly the kind of human color

I need for my Moose Droppings profile.

Whenever a new resident arrives in Lone Moose,

I write an article about them for the school newspaper.

Honeybee, should we retire to my office for our interview?

We're on record starting... now.

Okay. But I don't want some puff piece.

I don't want to sue you, but I want to want to sue you.

Oh, no, no, no!

I really milked the elk on this one, guys.

What's the problem, son?

I wanted me and Honeybee's six‐month anniversary

to be extra special.

Tonight, as you know, I've decided on

a romantic dinner party where we can celebrate our cool,

sexy relationship‐‐ just me, my fiancée

and my entire family.

And the party will be based around the movie Shrek,

which we both love and which played a big part in us meeting.

- So what's the problem? - The problem is that

the gift I got her is just a ding‐dang certificate

for a couples massage.

Son, I want to feel upset and anxious for you,

but give me something to work with here.

A gift certificate is so obvious.

You guys heard her talking about her guacamole dreams.

She's friggin' obsessed.

Oh, if I could get my hands on some avocados‐‐

now, that would be a good anniversary present.

Avocados are not gonna be easy to find in Lone Moose

at this time of year, or in Lone Moose, period.

We don't have avocados, is my point.

Well, I got to get 'em.

I‐I don't want her to break up with me like Lara Silverblatt.

And everybody else I've ever dated.

Who is Lara Silverblatt?

Wolf's most recent ex‐girlfriend.

She used to babysit you.

She was your karate teacher, Sensei Silverblatt.

Not ringing a bell, but I have face blindness, so...

Moon, we've been over this.

You do not have face blindness.

And even if you did, these are facts about her.

You don't have fact blindness.

Honeybee is the one. I‐I can't lose her.

And that's why everything today has to be perfect.

But I can't track down avocados if I also have to make

these goshdang Shrek decorations

for the party tonight.

What do you think the Tobin Party Posse is for?

Your brother Ham, your sister Judy and I

have been known to throw quite a soiree on a moment's notice.

But, Dad, Judy's gonna be interviewing Honeybee all day.

Son, just because your sister has all the ideas,

buys all the materials, and then hand‐makes each decoration

before telling us where to put 'em

doesn't mean we can't do this without her.

- Uh... - We shall make the Shrok decorations

while you try to find avocados.

Thank you, Father. Did you say Shrok?

- I'm coming with you. - Great!

If anybody can track an avocado

through the Alaskan wilderness, it's you.

I just hope your face blindness doesn't slow us down.

Avocados don't have faces.

Great! Let's guac and roll.

It's not every day I get to interview

a sophisticated, big‐city woman.

I guess my first question is...

tell me everything.

Well, Judypie, I'm a Fresno native, as you know,

and everything was blazin' in the Big Raisin.

I'd just gotten my business degree

from Fresno City College,

and Fresno had everything a hungry,

young entrepreneur could want‐‐ valet parking

at many of our mid‐range restaurants and hotels,

multiple loosely‐Italian‐ inspired coffee shops,

and a beautiful office supply store.

The only problem was my parent.

- Were they cursed? - What? No.

They're people, not ancient artifacts.

Right. So not... cursed.

Hey, Old Jody Jr.

How's it hangin', my main man?

I got a few things hanging currently,

so you'll have to be more... specific.

Wonderful. Look, I'm wondering if you can get something for...

- Yup. - Y‐You didn't even hear what it was.

If it exists, I can get it. Name something.

- Name something? - Name something that exists,

- I'll tell you if I can get it. - Uh, the master tapes

- from Def Leppard's Pyromania. - Yup, I can get 'em.

Might take a few days.

You could really get the master tapes

from Def Leppard's Pyromania in a few days?

- Yup. - Okay. Well, today I just need

some avocados for someone special.

Green gold?

That's gonna cost you.

Oh, of course. How much?

Uh, now, bear in mind, I don't have any money.

- Uh, got anything to trade? - Got a gift certificate

- for a couples massage. - Meet me back here in an hour.

- Well, that was easy. If you say so.

Old Jody Jr.'s always ripping everybody off,

because he thinks he's the only game in town,

and that's just because he's the only game in town.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Hey, you want to go to Maude's All Day,

get an ice cream sundae while we wait?

Don't patronize me.

And yes, I do.

Wow, that was a very thorough description

of your parents' faces and bodies.

Now, uh, take me to personality town.

What are they like? I mean, amazing, like you, obviously,

of course, but what else, what else?

- What else can you tell me? - Louis and Ruth Shaw

are the Curtain King and Queen of Fresno.

The problem was, they wanted me to sell all that stuff, too,

but hawking curtains wasn't my calling.

We got some beautiful denim curtains

from the Brian Williams "Off the Record" collection today.

Honeybee, maybe you'd like to handle the launch.

It's good practice for when you take over the store.

I've told you, I don't want to take over the store.

- Can't Jerry do it? - Leave him out of it.

Guys, please don't make me take sides.

Except a side of these delicious mashed potatoes. Mmm.

Honeybee, you're the oldest.

Besides, Jerrybee doesn't have a business degree.

And he doesn't need one to sell blinds.

Wow. So that's all you think your mother and I do,

"sell blinds"?

Dad, how many times have you told us the story

about how you moved to Fresno with $30 in your pocket

and a bolt of "uncut velvet drapery"?

You followed your dreams. All I want is to follow mine.

Oh, I wonder who that could be.

Let me guess: It's Calvin Prescott,

the Linoleum Prince of Fresno, pretending like he just happened

to be in the neighborhood again, isn't it?

It's Calvin Prescott!

The Linoleum Prince of Fresno.

He just happened to be in the neighborhood.

Hello, Mr. Shaw. Jerry. Hey, Honeybee.

Honeybee, maybe you two should go for a drive

so you can get to know each other better.

We've known each other since we were 12!

Fine. Come on, Calvin,

let's get this sham setup over with.

This isn't a "sham setup," young lady.

It's a normal, regular, very real setup.

Now, go fall in love with Calvin.

- As promised. - Uh, uh, wai...

wait‐wait‐wait‐‐ these are frigging pears.

Hot damn! Big Jeff must've ripped me off.

Well, you just can't trust Big Jeff.

But don't you worry, I'm going over there

to give him a what for.

Good, but at the very least,

I'm gonna need that gift certificate back.

Would if I could, but that sucker is long gone.

I‐It's been an hour.

You already went and got a couples massage?

I traded it for seven cartons of printer toner.

Old Jody Jr. has still got it.

Well, what am I supposed to do with these stupid pears?!

Hey, when life gives you pears, make pear milk!

I... - Don't.

- told... - Moon.

- you... - Stop.

- so. - Dang it!

Welp, great news. The second round of ice cream sundaes

in an hour has given me a pretty good idea.

What if we just make guacamole out of these pears?

And then we say, "Yum! This guac is good."

Hopefully, she won't notice.

I think she'll notice.