The Artful Dodger

Peach rum for the tropics.

Very kind.

Help me, Bob I'm bully in the alley

Bully down in shinbone al!

Whoo! Sally is the girl...

You actually really like these people, don't you?

Yeah. Why wouldn't I?

Help me, Bob, I'm bully in the alley

I see Big Kit and his boy, Alfie, are doing all right for themselves.

It goes to show that there's more out there than just ambergris...

Fagin, just enjoy your coin, and drink your rum.

I am. Don't mean I can't be working. It's how a thief stays sharp.

No. Thank you.

You still thinkin' about your fancy skirt?

Who's distracted now from the sacred purpose of drinking, eh?

It's quite a lively scene, isn't it?

Yes. And I'm afraid it's getting worse, sir.

I know this tune.

Order has been lost, sir.

It's time we cleanse the colony of these violent degenerates.

Yes. Will there be anyone left?

Those who can be saved, we will guide towards redemption,

but with limits on alcohol.

Good God. Steady on, man!

That excludes you, sir, naturally.

I'll have my men confiscate the alcohol.

At which point, it becomes the property of the Crown,

where you can do with it what you will.

And that would include the '23 Bordeaux?

Oh, I would've thought so.

And that marvelous cognac from the Blue Dragon?

Especially the cognac at the Blue Dragon.

You're absolutely right.

We should do something about this libation issue.

It really has gotten out of hand.

Bully in the Alley! That's the song.

So, I have your permission to enforce the policy, sir?

Oh, yes, yes, I think so.

Just remember, Gaines, moderation.

Come with me.

Alfie!

Come here!

Stop this madness!

Come here.

Out of my way, you scrawny wretch.

- This is a bloodbath, Gaines. - Remove him.

I'm their doctor and they're clearly gonna need me.

I know who you are.

Go on!

Seize all the alcohol!

No!

This is insanity!

Gather up who we can.

- My knee. - Can you walk?

Tim, give me a hand here!

From this day forward, one drink per man per day

to be issued exclusively by the government quartermaster.

Got a surprise for you, sir.

Ah. Now, this is a special evening.

Look what we flushed out.

Big Kit Wilderkins, the colony's second most-wanted.

Do you prefer "highwayman" or "bushranger"?

I'll need it for your death warrant.

Do you think he'll like it?

I should have packed more macaroons. Rainsford loves macaroons.

- Nurse Baggett, is Dr. Dawkins here? - On a Friday night?

He's paying a house call on the Cat and Bagpipes.

Should I give Sneed a peek? What would you say to that?

Nothing really. Sneed isn't suited for you.

His interest in us is purely political.

He just wants to marry a governor's daughter

and secure Head Surgeon.

And he's already proposed to me.

Oh.

Fanny, he would've married any member of the family,

including Father or the dog.

So, when is your happy day?

The happy day was when I declined him.

I should just fill my pocket with stones and walk into the sea.

Sea's that way.

So, just to clarify. Sneed's still available, then?

We've also got coconut macaroons, fruitcake, jam drops.

Ooh, and this is pepper jelly.

I made it myself to help with your recovery.

How lovely. Lady Belle, are you well?

But it's quite peppery.

Better than someone who fought a pointless duel.

I've never made it before.

Not even sure it wasn't for peppermint jelly.

The pepper did rush out of the pot a little bit.

Is your poor leg any better?

Still sore, then.

- Just try a tiny taste. - Ah.

Yes, very...

Oh, dear.

It's burning a hole in my mouth.

Quickly. This way.

Come on, quickly.

Cold compress on her. Splint that.

Some doctors would be nice.

Dr. Dawkins.

Lady Belle. Can you take him to the ward?

Are you even sober?

- Three sheets to the wind. - One sheet better than Prof usually is.

Get your things. I need you in the ward.

Aputi, bring him in here.

You scarpered.

Fled. There's a difference in speed.

Look what I snaffled.

There's a good half ounce of ochre there.

As I always say, "Never let an opportunity pass."

Really? Because it seems that you're pillaging people

in the midst of chaos for a thrill.

Well, life needs its bright spots.

Speaking of which, I heard tell that the colony's booze is...

Not now.

We'll have a natter later then.

Sir, Gaines has attacked the townsfolk.

Oh, dear. Yes.

Have we got any medicinal wine?

- I ran out earlier today, and I was... - Sir, did you hear me?

Him and his men have beaten up the entire town.

- What? - And he's banned alcohol.

What? Good God, man!

Broken femur. I've given him a grain of morphia...

Are you licensed to prescribe medications, Lady Belle?

No, but my father employs you.

Yes. She's right about the morphia.

All right, now, we haven't got time for traction.

Lady Belle, would you have him bite the bit?

Aputi, hold him down while I manage the procedure.

And,

pull and twist.

- Nice job, Prof. - It's the lack of drink, milady.

It makes everything distressingly clear.

The lad'll probably bleed out, Dawkins.

A break like that usually nicks the arteries.

There's nothing more we could have done. Not with bleeding like that.

- Hetty, have you eaten anything at all? - No time.

Captain Gaines, I will be speaking to my father!

Have you come to finish them off?

Blinded in one eye, a fractured skull, and a ruptured femoral artery!

All the results of resisting lawful execution of a warrant.

And that's young Alfie Wilderkins if I'm not mistaken.

This is a very good day indeed.

I want the men responsible court-martialled.

Well, that would be me.

You'll need to tell the Governor his right hand is a criminal.

Yes. That is a very good idea.

Arrest them. They're accomplices.

- All right. You, come with me. - No.

- Get up. - No.

They need medical care. I can't let you take my patients.

They were never your patients, Lady Belle. They're my prisoners.

Stand aside.

Your father indulges you. If you were my daughter...

I'd run away. Like your wife.

Oi! Doc, you're needed over here.

Pity you didn't strike me, Dawkins.

Your father can stop this.

Where do you think I'm going?

Right. Here we go.

Hair of the rat.

I need to find what Gaines cares about the most and rip it from him.

Hit him where he'll howl.

No, Dodge, provoking the lobsters head on, that's not our way.

He's turning this place into a floating prison yard.

Which it technically is.

And what's priceless in a prison? Contraband.

He's done us a service, he's turned liquor into gold.

And you know what's useful about me being on your ward?

I got word from an injured farrier,

about where they're takin' all that purloined grog.

Gaines is knocking my patients' skulls in,

and all you're thinking about is nicking grog!

It's because we're pickpockets. We're not the cavalry.

We melt into shadows, we spot our moments, we survive.

Now, I've got a man on the inside. Literally.

- These people matter to me, Fagin. - Ah, very pretty.

That's a lovely sentiment. Very noble.

Look, a stagecoach goes by with a year's worth of grog.

Flashbang's hiding inside one of the crates...

What happened to you to make you so shrivelled with self-interest?

Cold winds, Dodge. Cold winds.

A stick with brass tacks on it that fell on me back

no matter how much I begged.

A belly that gnawed and never got filled, except for gruel or filth,

and creeping hands in cold alleys and the dark nights without a roof.

- All right, I get the idea. - Yes.

Things that you and Oliver never had to worry about,

because I always made sure you boys had a blanket and a fire and a meal,

and the means to get them when you was grown.

Then why not show some of that same sympathy to these people now?

Look, you can give yourself to this crowd if you want,

you can pretend you've found a home.

But most people are bastards who will cross you as soon as spit.

And then when the night turns,

the only one who'll be loyal to yourself is yourself, and me.

- Until it inconveniences you. - You're one to talk.

You get a hole in your chest and you want to fill it up with crime,