Two and a Half Men

I was forced to use my hands to defend a lady's honor.

So I don't have to go back to jail?

You won't even see the inside of a courtroom.

You know, we're having a nature ride

and barbecue for the kids

this Saturday. You should come.

That sounds wonderful, doesn't it, Charlie?

You let her go without you?

Why the hell would I want to go?

Maybe you didn't notice the way

my lawyer was looking at your fiancée.

What are you talking about?

Or the way she was looking back at him.

Charlie, that guy is everything you're not.

* Men. *

Where the hell is she, Alan?

Calm down; don't work yourself into a tizzy.

A tizzy?

I don't have tizzies.

Women have tizzies. You have tizzies.

Me, I am outraged, I am furious, I am, I am...

Miffed?

Do not complete my sentences

if you don't grasp the concept.

Sorry.

She should've been home hours ago.

I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation.

Oh, really? And what would that be?

Okay, well, after the barbecue ended,

Chelsea stayed behind to help clean up.

And then she and Brad got to talking

about all the things they have in common.

You know, their love of horses, children...

Probably just lost track of time.

Because, you know, he's so easy to talk to.

Not to mention how...

good-looking he is.

Or she got diarrhea.

Oh, maybe she called.

Oh, look, there's two messages.

Hi. I'm calling for Alan Harper.

This is Jenny from Malibu Day Spa.

I just wanted to confirm your Saturday appointment

for a bikini wax.

Bikini wax?!

Uh, I wear a European-cut bathing suit.

I like to keep it tidy down there.

Anyway, I'm sure the next one is Chelsea.

Hi, Mr. Harper. This is Jenny again.

Just a reminder-- we can no longer accept

a personal check from you...

I should've just gone with her to that stupid charity thing.

True. If you'd made a little effort,

you wouldn't be in this situation.

But I bet she knew I wouldn't go

when she asked me.

In fact, I bet she was counting on me not going,

so she could be alone with this Brad guy.

Do you really think Chelsea would do something like that?

Why not? That's what I'd do.

I mean, hypothetically.

If I were ever in that situation.

Again.

Right.

The point is, I've been honest through this whole thing.

She's the one who's been deceitful.

She's nothing but a manipulative,

calculating, two-faced...

Hey, honey.

: Oh, hi, baby.

How was the party?

It was great.

There was, like, 80 kids taking turns riding a horse

for the first time in their lives.

So, what, there was just one horse?

No.

Good, 'cause that would've been

a tough day for the horse.

Sorry I'm late, but after we got the kids back on the busses,

a bunch of us hung out to chat and help clean up.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I figured.

Anyway, I'm beat.

I just want to jump in the shower and go to bed.

Okay, I'll be right up.

Night, Alan. Night.

Glad you had a good time.

Well done.

You sublimated your anger and came from a place of love.

You took the high road.

Really?

Is that what you call it?

'Cause I call it a complete and total betrayal

of my testicles.

If you'd done it as much as I had,

you'd call it the high road.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

Hey, Chels?

So, when you say a bunch of you stayed to clean up,

how many are you talking about?

I don't know; a couple.

Uh-huh.

You know, technically, a couple is two.

So are you saying there were two people

in addition to you and Brad or just you and Brad?

What are you getting at?

Nothing. Just trying to get an accurate head count.

You could've come with me, you know.

I know.

It'd be nice for us

to do some things together once in a while.

We do plenty of things together.

Besides sex.

Oh...

When Brad's wife was alive, they played tennis every day.

Probably what killed her.

She was hit by a car.

Maybe she was chasing a tennis ball.

You know, like a dog.

You throw it, they run after it,

even if there's traffic...

Goofy dogs.

* Men. *

What the hell is that?

Two guys in a cage beating the snot out of each other.

I can't believe I wasted so many years watching cartoons.

Turn it down.

Aye, aye, Captain Douche.

What did you say?

Aye, aye, Captain. I'll do that.

Why are you on the couch? You and Chelsea have a fight?

No, we didn't have a fight.

Were you farting in your sleep?

No.

Did you screw up the sex?

What the hell are you talking about?

You know, there's more than one way to satisfy a woman.

Oh, really? Like what?

I'm not sure.

But I have some theories.

Get out!

Fine.

We wouldn't have these problems if you just put a TV in my room.

We wouldn't have these problems

if I just put a python in your room.

Touché, douché.

What?

I said touché, douché.

* I really can't stay

: * Baby, it's cold outside

: * I've got to go away

: * Baby, it's cold outside...

You mind? I'm trying to sleep.

Hey, I didn't see you there.

What'd you do?

I don't want to talk about it.

Fine. I'm not one to pry.

Money?

No.

Old girlfriend?

No.

She find those Polaroids?

No.

How did you know about the Polaroids?

You just told me, you dirtbag.

So, what did you do,

try to sneak in at 2:00 a.m.

smellin' of booze and pole dancer?

For your information, Chelsea's the one who came home late.

And she was smelling of horse.

Oh, good Lord, Charlie, you can't compete with a horse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Seriously.

I've seen your tallywacker,

and you're blessed, but you ain't no Seabiscuit.

When have you seen my... tallywacker?

I don't know, maybe the nine or ten times I found you passed out

in your bathtub, holding onto it like it was a flotation device.

Sorry about that.

Don't be.

Mmm, boy!

Breakfast,

the most important meal of the day.

Three scrambled egg whites,

two slices of "I can't believe it's not buttered" rye toast

and to flush it through me,

a piping hot cup of freshly ground coffee.

Shut that thing off!

So... decaf?

Don't push me.

I'm not in the mood.

Did you sleep on the couch last night?

What's it to ya?

Oh, Charlie, what'd you do?

Nothing. Nothing?

I may have compared Brad's recently deceased wife

to a ball-chasing dog.

Whose balls?

Tennis balls.