Mom

Hey, guys, check it out.

"Wendy Harris, Nurse Supervisor."

You got a promotion?

Your last name is Harris?

I'm so happy, I'm not even gonna let that bother me.

- Aw, good for you. - Congratulations!

You work so hard, you deserve this.

Are you being sarcastic?

Not at all.

In fact, I would like to propose a toast

- to our dear friend... - Please don't ruin this for me.

I'm being sincere.

Are you?

Yes!

I'm genuinely proud of her.

Mom, stop. You're not fooling us.

Fine. It was exhausting, anyway.

Well, now this is officially a celebration.

Order whatever you want. It's on us.

Thanks, I'm just gonna have soup.

Soup? I say go big or go home. Get the sicken cheeser.

What's a sicken cheeser?

I meant the chicken Caesar.

Damn it, I keep flipping my words.

I know... you did it twice during your share today.

You sounded cricken frazy.

I don't know what's going on.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm not sleeping.

Is that 'cause you and Andy are "takin' care of bidness"?

No, it's 'cause no matter how low I set the thermostat,

I still wake up like I just walked out of a sauna.

From "takin' care of bidness"?

Sweetie? Watch some porn or something.

I do. It doesn't help.

Have you seen your doctor? Maybe you're in perimenopause.

Maybe you are, bitch.

Sorry. I've also been irritable.

You know, I usually have nothing but love for you in my heart,

but calling Wendy a "B" on her special "D"

is totally "NC."

Not Cool.

You're right. Let me make it up to you.

After the meeting this Friday,

I'll take us all to my club for lunch.

Awww, thanks, Jill. That's so nice of you.

And for what's it's worth,

I still think going to your doctor is a good idea.

Well, keep it to yourself, you toothless old dragon.

I'm... I'm gonna call my doctor now.

Yeah.

I've never been to a country club before.

I mean, once I ran naked across a golf course.

It's so much further than you think it's gonna be.

Hi. My name is Bonnie, and I look fabulous.

Hi. My name is Christy, and...

yeah...

Hey, did you guys check out the menu for the club?

We looked it up online.

Lot of shellfish.

You know that rib-eye for two?

If I get it for myself, would you guys judge me?

Well, I hope you're happy. I just went to my doctor,

and it turns out I am in peri-meni-pause.

Peri-meno-pause.

Do not correct a woman in peri-meni-pause.

Oh, uh, look, honey, we all go through it.

It's natural.

Since when do I care about natural?

I have worked so hard to stay sober

so that I can be in control of what I say and what I do

and what I throw across the room.

And now, just when I'm feeling like I got it all together,

my hormones are like, "Screw you! I'm your higher power now!"

I'm not sure if I went through perimenopause.

I was in prison at the time.

Everyone was hot, cranky and throwin' stuff.

And by "stuff," I mean people.

The doctor said this could last a decade.

A decade!

We're moving.

Well, it's usually much shorter than that.

I had a few mild symptoms and then boom, over.

And I've really felt like I was in my power ever since.

Plus, no more condoms.

Oh, good. Remind me that my baby-maker's

going out of business.

Right when I finally have a guy

I might actually want to make a baby with.

Sorry, could you repeat what you just said?

'Cause I went deaf when Marjorie said "condoms."

Are you sure we can't sit down, maybe get started

with a little pickle plate or something?

As I told you before, I can't seat your party

until the club member arrives.

And as I told you before,

okay, we'll be right over there.

Christy, you've been kind of quiet.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just got some bad news.

I don't want to make it about me.

- It's Wendy's day. - Wait for it.

It's just, I didn't get picked for moot court.

- What's that? - They make believe they're lawyers.

How am I ever gonna be taken seriously as a lawyer

if I can't even make moot court

at a law school next to a car wash?

I don't know where I went wrong.

I put my name in early, I sucked up to the professors,

and I can see you in the mirror!

And I see you, too. Hi.

It's Jill.

She's not coming.

- Seriously? - What?! - Aw.

She is, and I quote,

"going home to have Andy put a baby in it."

What about our lunch?

She says she'll make it up to you.

Well, now you've already seen me in this dress.

It's my first time wearing coral.

Hang on.

Hello, sir.

Would you like to have lunch with five beautiful women?

There won't be a big bar bill!

- Hi. - Hi. What are you doing home?

I thought you were having a big lunch for Christy.

- Wendy. - They all kind of blend.

By the way, thanks for always having

bread and ham in your house.

- Oh, it's 'cause I love you. - Oh.

You know, if you really love me,

you could spring for some Miracle Whip. I know...

Girls hate it, but guys love it.

Sure. And in return, can we make a baby?

I know. Guys hate it, but girls love it.

Wha... uh...

What?

Here's the thing.

- What? - Well...

it's just that we have been together for almost a year now,

and I'm not getting any younger, so, you know... baby.

I'm gonna sit down for a second.

- Is that a no? - No, you know, it's just

I-I came here to make lunch... had a little bit

of an issue with the sandwich spread.

That was gonna be my...

big dilemma o' the day.

Well, now it's: should we or shouldn't we make a person.

What do you think?

Jill, I, um...

I'm sorry, I-I didn't see this coming on so quick.

You know how on our first date,

you said, "What are you, like, 35?" and I just smiled?

I'm 40.

And 18 months.

Okay.

But I think I'd be a great mom.

And I know you'd be a great dad.

I mean, you're so strong.

Just think how high you could toss a baby.

I would never toss a baby.

Look at you. You passed the test!

Let's get to breedin'.

Okay, uh, listen...

babe, I-I get that your clock is ticking,

but I'm-I'm just...

I'm not sure that we're...

there yet.

Oh.

You're right.

You're right. Forget I brought it up.

That's not you, is it?

What?

Nothing. I just love

the one night a week the bar is closed

and we get to go to bed at the same time.

Me, too. I get to read a little.

Oh, wait, was that code? 'Cause if it's code, just say so.

No, no code.

Just as well.

This book is about to unlock the mystery

of compound interest for me.

Can you rub some lotion on my back?

Uh, sure. Wait, is this code?

- Nothing is code. - Oh, okay.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we'd a kid?

We'd be in The Guinness Book of World Records,

so that'd be sweet.

I mean if we'd met during our childbearing years.

Yeah, I guess it's crossed my mind.

We'd be the coolest parents.

And as a result, our kid would be spectacular.

He'd probably be tall, which is great.

"He." I like that.

I already ruined a she.

He'd be funny.

- He'd be outgoing. - Mm.

He'd have the hair of a sexy Troll doll.

And I guess he'd say what he thinks whenever he felt like it

no matter how hurtful.