Two and a Half Men

Okay, salute the sun.

Deep cleansing breath.

Releaseyour negative energy.

Oh, I'd better not.

The only thing holding me together is negative energy.

And into downward dog.

Knees straight.

- Extend your hips. - I'm trying, I'm trying.

I can't-I can't straighten my legs.

Alright.

Let me just help you out here.

That's it.

That's it. Just let it go.

Shall I light some candles and put on some music?

We're doing yoga.

It's none of my business, just put a towel down.

Oh, Berta, that's the doorbell.

'Heard it, not getting it.'

Yeah, I'll get it.

I need a break anyway.

It's only been five minutes.

Uh, not the first time I've heard that.

- Hey, Al. - Oh, hey, Herb.

What brings you by?

Oh, you, uh, left your wallet at my house.

I didn't even notice it was missing.

Really? It's been over a week.

Hard to notice something's missing when you never use it.

- Well, thank you. - Oh, no problem.

Hey, I want to apologize for my behavior lately.

I've been in a real dark place since Judith left.

No apologies necessary.

Uh, the important thing is you're feeling better.

Well, I'm not putting her nightgown on a pillow

and spooning it anymore, so, uh..

Yeah, coming out of the darkness.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Wh-what is it? Is it your back?

No, it's my front.

- I need a Doctor. - Right here.

- No, a real doctor. - Right here, right here.

Where does it hurt?

- Uh, it's my balls. - Oh.

I'm gonna have to stick my hands down your pants.

For once I'm glad I didn't make it into medical school.

Make it stop, make it stop.

Ooh. A little swampy down here.

I wasn't expecting company.

Oh, oh, I see.

You've got a twist in your spermatic chord.

I'm gonna have to perform a manual detorsion on your testes.

What does that mean?

Your nuts are in a knot I need to untie 'em.

No, no, no!

Look, it's either that or your blood supply will be cut off.

You might lose a testicle.

Go, man, go.

Uh, remember, righty tighty, lefty loosy.

This reminds me of the summers of my youth.

I used to pick peaches on my--

Will you just do it!

Ah, that feels good.

Ah, I love you, Herb.

We're gonna need a code word

so I stop walking in on this stuff.

Got the ice. It's crushed.

Kind of like your balls.

That is the worst pain I've ever experienced.

Says the only guy in this room who wasn't married to Judith.

- There you go. - Whoa!

And just like that, I'm a grower, not a shower.

I know it's uncomfortable but you need to ice the soreness

for 20 minutes every couple hours

and avoid sudden movements.

How did this happen?

Well, imagine your testicles

hanging like wind chimes.

Most days they sway gently and you hear a beautiful melody.

Other days the wind kicks up and, uh, they get twisted

and it sounds like a washing machine full of cowbells.

- Am I gonna be okay? - Oh, yeah, don't worry.

But just to make sure

you should stop by my office tomorrow.

We'll do an ultrasound.

Why do you need an ultrasound in a pediatrician's office?

Well, when a kid swallows a Matchbox car

you need to know whether it's gonna drive out on its own

or has to be airlifted.

Well, good news.

Everything looks completely normal.

And speaking as a medical professional

your junk is extraordinary.

Uh, thank you.

I didn't know whether to examine it or feed it a peanut.

Okay, I'm gonna-I'm gonna put my clothes on now.

You should avoid strenuous activity

and I'd, uh, like to schedule a follow-up in a couple weeks.

Sounds good.

Hey, while you're here, uh

can I ask you a little personal advice?

You had your hands down my pants on two separate occasions.

If you were a woman, I'd be meeting your parents now.

Well, you've been dumped a lot, right?

No.

I mean, what's "a lot?" I..

Yes, I have.

How did you get over your wife leaving you?

You know the five stages of grief?

Sure.

They left out the three best ones

pot, one-night stands, and buying a beach house.

I don't know, I'm not sure that's me.

You can't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm getting so good at it.

Gets better. You just got to get out there and meet somebody new.

It's tough. Judith and I were together for a long time.

I get it.

She was your world.

But trust me.

You will meet someone else to spend

the rest of your life with.

In my case, it was Alan.

Yeah, I'm surrounded by sick kids all day.

Where am I gonna meet someone?

You just gotta keep your heart and your eyes open.

Who are they?

Oh, they're our pharmaceutical reps.

They come by and give away free drugs.

Yeah, where are you gonna meet someone?

Okay, I got a good feeling about this one.

This is my house.

Okay, Mr. Driver, we're good.

Bye-bye.

Ladies, I must warn you

that once you cross this threshold

you waive your right to sobriety

chastity

dignity..

...and a couple other "ity-ties."

- Waived. - Yeah, me, too.

Oh, wow.

This is so cool.

Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening.

- Oh, it's happening. - Okay.

What's the plan? Are we-are we two twosomes?

Or a foursome?

Or do you wanna have a threesome with them while I watch?

'Cause I'm fine with that.

I'm not.

Oh, okay, I'll just take the tall one.

Which one's the tall one?

I got this.

Okay, ladies.

Alcohol is this way.

We don't want anyone sobering up and thinking things through.

Hey, Alan!

Hey, uh, uh, who are your friends?

Oh, this is Plaxitril and she sells Kristen.

No, no, no, I'm Kristen. I sell Plaxitril.

I'm pretty sure it's the other way around.

'It's, uh..'

It's nice to meet you, Kristen.

Oh, and this is Morgan.

I sell boner pills and baby laxatives.

- And I'm Herb. - Hi, Herb.

Yes, I am.

'Okay.'

Salt, check, uh..

Limes, check.

Tequila, check.

Two gorgeous ladies.

- Check. - Check.

The doctor's ready to administer some shots.

Some body shots.

'The deck..'

Well, I guess I am gonna masturbate tonight.

'Did I tell you that I was a gymnast?'

'You're kidding.'

'Nope. I was an alternate for the Olympic team.'

'I can totally put both of my legs behind my head.'

'Watch.'

'USA! USA! USA!'

'Okay, I can't do that, but I can put'

'my entire fist in my mouth.'

'Check it out.'

'Beautiful and talented.'

'Thank you.'

Yep, definitely masturbating.

Hey, Alan!

Hey, uh, you guys having fun?

Yeah, I was just getting more tequila.

How are you?

I'm good. Just-just watching "Downton Abbey."

Big episode. Someone stole a spoon.

'Walden, get the video camera!'

Aw, good idea.

There's gonna be a video.

Hey, Alan? Do you got any Crisco?