M*A*S*H

Come on. Get in there. Give me some suction.

Clean it up a little.

Nurse, we need some more‐‐

Let's go, let's go!

Would anyone care for some powdered orange juice?

‐It's fresh. ‐Just what the doctor ordered.

I'll just sip mine here on the veranda.

That water was a lot stronger before you flavored it.

There was only enough powder for two pints,

and there's at least a gallon of us here.

I don't know. It worked with loaves and fishes.

‐(chuckling) ‐At least it's wet.

Doctor?

That swill? No.

Thank you, Father.

Of course, if you could wave your hand over it

and change it into wine...

‐Major, do you box? ‐No.

Good, 'cause I'm tempted to teach you.

Pressure's dropping. No pulse.

We're losing him, Doctor.

Oh, that's impossible. This is a routine operation.

Move it, Winchester!

Still no pulse.

I don't understand. Why?

Revive first and ask questions later.

‐This is insane! ‐Charles, go!

Get on that horse or step aside.

Doctor, you've gotta do something now.

Shut up, all of you, and let me work.

Cardiac needle and adrenaline, stat. I'll start a massage.

Better let me handle it.

Even strokes, one per second.

Have her breathe him every five strokes.

I am aware of the procedure, thank you.

Come on. Damn it!

Come on. Come on.

Live! That's an order!

I'm getting a pulse.

Are you sure?

It's very erratic, but it's there.

‐Stay with him, son. ‐(air pumping)

Pressure?

60, systolic. Pulse is getting stronger.

80 over 50. Pulse stronger.

Getting regular.

All right. Let's see if it holds.

90 over 60. He's alive again.

Congratulations, Charles.

That was some rubdown.

Wouldn't you know? Just when I'm mad at him,

he goes and does something heroic.

I'd applaud you, Major,

if this boy didn't need his kidney.

What is all the fuss about?

Haven't you people ever seen a man

brought back to life before?

You know, I must be sick today. I've got an appetite.

Thank God you're here, Charles. Revive this liver.

Pierce, for once your mockery is justified.

My performance in O. R. today was inexcusable.

I hesitated far too long before springing into action.

Do I hear right? Humility from that mouth?

It's hard to drag these words out, Charles,

but you did a marvelous job.

No, I should have started the massage much earlier.

I should have clamped the art‐‐ Do you really think so?

Charles, as far as I'm concerned,

your patient had the best doctor in the room.

Yes, of course. You're absolutely right.

I didn't want to be the one to say so, but thank you for confirming it.

‐He got me. ‐We should've known.

That size‐45 head's a dead giveaway.

‐May I join you? ‐Only at the hips.

Please, Margaret, we need some beauty to offset the beasts.

‐Doctor, it was an honor working beside you today. ‐Don't start him, Margaret.

Being a part of what you did gave me a wonderful feeling inside.

‐I want to thank you. ‐Anytime, Major. It was nothing.

Nothing? It should be written up

‐in all the medical journals. ‐Or at least "Boys' Life."

The simple adulation of my coworkers will suffice.

Hey, Doc! Nice shoestring catch today.

Thank you, Klinger, and never touch me again.

Here you go, Major. From the law firm

of Whitehurst, Blinn, Blinn and Whitehurst.

Pretty classy. By the way, it's postage due.

I'd sue.

For Captain Hunnicutt from Mill Valley,

Mill Valley, Mee‐Vee...

Two from my wife, one from my little girl.

Donald Penobscott! That crud!

He's tied up our joint savings account

until the settlement is final,

and it's mostly my money!

Margaret, relax. It's all part of the joy of divorce.

Yes, you'll get it eventually.

If I may wax philosophic,

patience is an integral element of the unbought grace of life.

Oh, cram it down your Webster!

What did I say?

You mean you don't know either?

Oh!

‐Colonel! ‐Ah, shoot.

I must talk to you about that moneygrubbing weasel I'm divorcing.

Please, Major, after I catch the sunset.

It's only 3:00 in the afternoon!

‐I like to paint the sky in first. ‐Colonel!

All right. Find a parking space.

Donald's tied up our joint account into a thousand legal knots,

and my lawyers say there's nothing I can do about it.

The scales of justice take time to balance.

Ah, bull!

Seemed like a good thing to say.

I'm just so sick and tired of this whole divorce!

All right. The immediate problem

is getting Penobscott to release your money, right?

‐Before I kill him. ‐Right.

What if I put through a call and talk to him, man‐to‐man?

Good, but you'll have to make it man‐to‐rat.

Enter at your own risk.

Colonel Potter?

Captain Tom Greenleigh, Stars and Stripes.

Sorry, I already subscribe.

I'm here on a story assignment, sir.

I'll give you a story.

Flash‐‐ Army nurse gets shiv from ex.

‐Pardon me? ‐Never mind.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. That sounds very interesting.

How 'bout if we discuss it later

over drinks in the Officers Club?

You men, you're all sleaze.

Whoa! Whoo!

Want to slip 'em back in their sockets, Captain?

Yoo‐hoo! Captain?

Uh, oh, yes, sir.

I'm here to do a story on your Major Winchester,

the surgeon that brought the G.I. back on the table.

Brass thinks it's newsworthy.

How'd they find out about it so quickly? Winchester?

Well, he called in the lead.

Surprised it took him so long. I don't know about this.

All my people do a good job.

I don't like setting one above the others,

especially him.

Well, sir, H. Q. has requested that you comply.

‐General Imbrie. ‐Uh‐huh.

‐The place is yours. ‐Thank you, Colonel.

If it's okay, I'd like to start off by asking you a couple of questions.

Okay, if you like.

Who was that feisty majorette?

You're the snoop. Dig for it.

Please, bear with my clumsiness, Captain.

This is my first interview since I graduated from Harvard summa cum laude

with one of the highest grade point averages ever seen at that institution.

The man's a marvel. He can grovel

and blow his own horn in the same breath.

Pierce! Ah, just a moment.

Lampoon to your heart's delight, Pierce,

but when the brass in Tokyo read this article about me,

I shall be delivered from this muckhole

and placed in a proper facility.

With a crescent moon on the door.

I knew there had to be a good reason

why you saved that guy's life.

Pierce. Ignore them, Captain.

I assume that you'll want to start

with some biographical information.

Well, I really don't have room for that. Just the facts.

Oh, right. Of course.

Well, I was born in upper Boston,

where my family has lived for five generations.

In a modest 20‐room log cabin.

Due to my background and breeding,

it was inevitable that I attend the finest schools.

Choate, Harvard.

The Massachusetts Institute of Snobbery.

When they get this way,

I usually just hit them with a rolled‐up newspaper.

Last night we ate his slipper.

Perhaps we should start with some pictures.

A flash of genius.

Okay.

We'll say "cheese," you say "Choate."

Let's call the whole thing off.

Get out of my picture and out of my life!

Wait a minute. That's‐‐ That's not a bad shot.

Winchester and his cohorts.

Praise be to the god of surgery.

We kiss thy hand, Your Swell‐headedness.

Got it.

Here you go, shutterbug!

Snap my picture and win me a free trip home.

That's a guy.

Oh, these reporters don't miss a thing.

Captain, I've got a great photo series for your rag.

Stars of the silver screen

as portrayed by Corporal Max Klinger.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I know.

Charles Laughton in Mutiny on the Bounty.

‐After the mutiny. ‐Wrong.