Trophy Wife

Ahh, pizza. what do we got?

Oh, uh, we've got gluten-free with cashew cheese,

nut-free with soy cheese, vegetarian meat lover, and crust-free.

Gross. What ev... what ever happened to regular pizza?

I want cheese... just plain cheese.

Honey, don't you watch the news?

Kids who eat plain cheese pizza die.

Oh. I'll get it.

- Whoo! - Whoa, watch out, Dad!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hi, ladies. How you doing? Hillary's in her room.

You girls want some ice cream while you talk about boys?

Hardly.

We're amending the student government constitution.

Oh, cool.

Oh. Diane?

- What are you doing here? - Oh, Warren asked me to come by.

I thought Warren was having a friend sleep over.

- And here she is! - Ah!

My Mom and my friend are the same person so that I know

my Mom approves and I know my friend thinks my Mom is cool.

Ohh. Oh, that's a surprising choice for... yeah.

- Let's go play twister in my room. - Come on.

Make sure you keep the bedroom door open.

1x20 - There's No Guy in Team

Wow, Meg, you're up before 8:00. I'm impressed.

Yeah, right. I haven't gone to bed yet.

There was a D.U.I. check point right down the street

from your house, so I just pulled into your driveway.

I wasn't drunk, but there's a slight chance I bought a stolen car.

- That's more like it. - I'm worried about Warren.

You know, when I was a kid, I was hanging out with friends.

He's having sleepovers with his mom.

High school's supposed to be tough. It's okay. It builds character.

Believe it or not, I wasn't very popular in high school.

- I turned out okay. - Really?

'Cause Kate says you write legal porn in your free time.

- Kate! - Meg!

It's not legal porn. It's judicial erotica.

- Mm. - Anyway, d-don't worry about Warren.

Just... let him do his thing.

Let me tell you about a guy who did his thing, all right?

Arnie Plopper.

- Mm-hmm. - That's his real name... the Plopster.

Arnie worked at a wig shop, and then one day,

I saw him driving down the street and was like,

"oh, my god, he's got a girlfriend,"

and then I realized that he was having a conversation with a pile of wigs.

If Warren starts working at a wig shop, I'll talk to him.

I just want him to have, like, a good group of friends, you know?

His own little crew, gang.

Well, then, just put some beers in his lunch.

That'll get him to the cool table.

And if not, he'll have beers in his lunch.

Unh, unh. Wow!

- Hey, bud. - Hey.

- Hey, oatmeal me. - We're out of oatmeal.

Oh, yogurt me. Oh, my god.

I was just dreaming about you, and now you're here. Wow.

Kate, yogurt with two spoons, please.

See? Totally charming. I'm going to work,

where nobody's happy and nobody has friends.

- Mwah. - Perfect.

Bye, dad. See you in nine hours.

So, Kate, what's on tap for tonight?

Listening to dogs bark and guessing what they're thinking?

Actually, I was thinking it'd be the perfect

opportunity for you to make some new friends.

- Yep. How? - I don't know.

Maybe just join, like, a team or a club or something.

Yeah, I don't know, I mean...

everybody in a club seems to be into the same things.

Or don't join a club and just play hacky sack

in the parking lot with the burnouts.

Standing in a parking lot seems really dangerous.

You've both given me a lot to think about.

- What's he doing? - He's going to think.

Shh. Shh.

- Mom! - Diane: Hey.

Mr. Edison gave me a "C" on my art project. My life is over!

I mean, goodbye, Princeton. Hello, Brown.

- Oh. Oh, he's crazy. It's perfect. - Yeah.

House, hill. Yes, yes.

- What more does that hippie want? - He says it's...

"technically proficient, but lacks depth."

What does he want? Like, a-a marijuana plant in the middle?

- Apparently. - I'm calling the school.

Mom, it's okay, really.

I did what you taught me, and I cornered him,

and I talked for so long that he said

I could redo it if I would just stop talking.

Ha ha! Filibuster. Good girl.

Can you help me with it?

Oh, well, of course I can. I mean, if it were museum-level art...

- but it's high-school-level art. - Yes.

We need to start thinking like an average

high-school student who never went to college.

Hmm.

Who arted? You did.

Well, I...

You see, Jackie has an understanding of creative expression.

Look around this place.

It looks as if it was decorated by a parrot.

Yes! Actually, I was going for a toucan Sam

meets Arabian nights meets under $200!

I really need your help, okay?

- I suck at art. - No! Hillary, you cannot suck at art.

- I do. - No, you can't.

- Yes. - No, it's like math. There's no wrong answers.

And on that incorrect fact, I will leave you two to it.

Remember, Hillary... don't eat anything she made herself.

- Wouldn't dare. Bye, Mom. - Thanks, D-bag!

Um... oh! I made a snack.

- Oh. - Fresh trout pudding.

Pete: Bert.

- Bert! - Oh!

Hey, Dad. How's it going?

I thought we said no scooter till Christmas.

I thought we were talking about for you.

W-where did all this stuff come from?

I bought it.

- With what? - My credit card. Take a look for yourself.

"Bert Lancaster Harrison." This is your credit card.

It's platinum, so I get air miles.

You may like flying coach, but I do not.

Good god.

Okay. Ooh!

Oh, I'm so excited. I'm so happy to see you.

- Oh, I never see you anymore. - I know. I'm sorry.

I have just been so busy, you know,

with school and theater and musical theater.

Have you seen cat theater? It's terrible.

- All right, take off your blazer. - Why?

Because you can't write a poem on a computer,

and you can't create art in a suit.

That is the bumper sticker

that's gonna make me a millionaire. Okay.

Hey, dude. How was school?

Oh, great... we had chicken patties today at lunch,

and I got two because they were accidentally frozen together.

Yeah. So, uh, any news on the friend front?

Ah, news. Yes.

Uh, I took your advice, and I joined a sports team.

Whoa, really?

In one day you tried out and got on a team?

- You must be a natural. - Not at all!

Well, what team are you on?

Oh. Field hockey.

Eh?

Ha, w-whoa. Isn't that a girls' team?

Oh, it was, but now it's co-ed. Oh, you want to hear the cheer?

We're chicks! We're chicks with sticks!

If you knock us on the grass, we'll kick you in the...

- A-a-a-a-a-a... - A-a-a-a...

- We're chicks! - Oh.

I'm kind of the Jackie Robinson figure of the group,

Only I think she was black.

Thank you, Kate. You made this happen.

Yes!

God.

Warren has the ball! He shoots!

No, it's actually... it's actually a pass to himself.

And he gets past Karen... and Samantha and Bailey.

Warren gets it, kicks it...

in for the... goal!

- Wow, great goal! - Oh, thanks.

Man, I'm really loving this field hockey.

Uh, don't you think this might make it harder

- for you to make friends at school? - Oh, for sure.

Coach Dawson said that it's a brave and unusual choice

and that my life will never be the same.

Look out, world.

Whoa, whoa, Warren! Warren, you got to wear underwear, dude.

Jackie: I don't want you to paint the image of the house.

I want you to paint the essence of the house.

Well, how does it look?

That's the wrong question. How does it feel?

It feels like a waste of time.

Well, that's because you're painting from here and not from here.

Jackie, I can't see where you're pointing.

Keep talking. I'm gonna point on you, so I got to find you.

God, this is so stupid.

That's because you're using this, instead of...

- This is a lampshade. - This is awful.

- Maybe I do belong at Brown. - That's the dream, sister.

Isn't that right, lampshade?

Who sends an 8-year-old a credit card?

It just came in the mail. It said, "congratulations, Bert."

So, I was like, "thanks, letter."

It's great. You can use it to get whatever you want.

Well, all of this is going back. We're gonna cut up the credit card.

You can't just use a credit card to buy anything you want, Bert.

Things cost money. That's why dad goes to work every day.

But you hate your job.

You should just get a credit card instead.

Okay, no more credit cards for you.

Time to teach you some fiscal responsibility.

I will pay you for every chore you do.

How's that for a plan, Stan?

- What's the pay, Ray? - Depends on the chore.