Mom

Previously, on "Mom"...

So I came home,

marched right into the bathroom,

told Andy I wanted to deepen our relationship,

and you know what he said?

"Can I finish my shower first?"

When I get home I just want to take a shower and relax.

I don't want to talk about my feelings.

Especially when I'm not wearing pants.

It's Jill. Safety first.

Andy wants a break from her.

- Tammy, alcoholic. - Hi, Tammy.

Lately I've been looking for ways to deepen

my spiritual connection,

so, um, I decided to takea peaceful nature hike.

No phones, no earbuds, not even gum.

And that's when I realized

hell is other people while also walking uphill.

This couple behind me... And I feel compelled

to point out that the guy was wearing leggings...

Anyway, they were going on and on in great gory detail

about this tick that had set up shop in his...

well, let's just say his swimsuit area.

She told me this one over breakfast.

I mean, how am I supposed to achieve inner peace

when I'm listening to them yakking about hot compresses

and tweezer angles and him passed out on the kitchen table?

I thought, "You know,

I'll just speed up so I don't have to hear it."

But then I realized I'd never know how it turned out,

so I pretended to drink water to catch the end.

He's fine.

He just needs the leggings to trust the woods again.

Anyway, I never connected with God,

but I do know what to do in case a tick

ever sets up shop in my hoo-ha.

Someone else, please.

Jill, alcoholic.

Hi, Jill.

Well, Andy and I are still on pause.

I guess we have a different definition

of what "pause" means.

See, now, that was a pause.

Oh, she was acting.

I didn't know what was happening.

People, we're at day 16, and I'm coming unglued.

I'm also regretting the fact that I let Andy be the one

who gets to say, "Pause over."

I just... wish I knew what was going on in his head.

I mean, he has told me that sometimes I can be

a bit too much, but if loving hard and living large

means I'm too much, then guilty as charged.

I just feel so helpless, and as we all know,

that is a dangerous feeling for an alcoholic.

But I mean, I-I'm not gonna drink or use over it.

I may have gone on a bit of a shopping spree,

American Express called to make sure I was okay.

They're so sweet.

Anyway, thanks.

[applause

Bonnie, alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

Don't worry, Jill.

Adam and Andy are watching football tonight,

so I'll find out what's going on in his head.

I'm sorry, I know that was cross talk,

but she usually sits next to me and I just whisper to her

while Marjorie drones on.

Marge, bring us home. Big finish.

*MOM* Season 08 Episode 06

Episode Title: "Woo-Woo Lights and an Onside Kick"

Aired on: January 21, 2021

Whoa.

- Whoa. - Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing up so late?

Uh, I'm just, uh, watching this movie.

It's an infomercial for Flex Seal.

Well, it's riveting.

They're making a boat out of rags.

Could've used that when I was trying

to get out of the Philippines.

Well, good night.

Wait.

How was your night with Andy?

Great.

Wait, wait.

He hasn't talked to Jillfor 16 days.

Did he say why?

It didn't come up.

You were with him all night

- and it didn't come up? - No.

Then what the hell did you talk about

for five and a half hours?

Oh, the end of the early game, and then the whole late game.

Which actually had a successful onside kick.

I mean, you just don't see it since the rule change.

Really? The only couples friends we've ever had are in crisis,

and you didn't ask him anything about it?

No.

That is so men.

No feelings allowed.

Oh, no, there were plenty of feelings.

You have to understand, this onside kick...

If you say the words "on," "side"

or "kick" one more time,

I'm going into the kitchen, grabbing a can of soup,

and throwing it at you as hard as I can.

Sorry.

Just really changed the ga...

Sorry.

Think. Did he say anything at all?

Anything at all that might explain

how he's feeling about Jill

or if anything's changed in their relationship?

He really didn't, Bonnie.

The man's got a lot on his plate right now.

He's breaking in a new partner, he's trying to make sergeant,

he had the Raiders plus three,

which the onside kick completely just...

I'll just go get the can of soup myself.

Wait a second.

Wait one damn second.

Huh? What?

Andy's new partner. Tell me more.

What? I don't know, she was on plainclothes,

- and then she spent plainclothes... - "She"?

She? She?

That's what I said.

Well, he's been partnerswith Bert for ten years.

What happened to Bert?

He reunited with his twin brother

and they got picked to do The Amazing Race.

You know, there was a third one, but Bert ate him in the womb.

Wow, well, Andy was blindsided.

And-and, uh, you know,

now he spends 12 hours a day in a car with Joanna.

The skank.

Okay, ladies.

I know our brains are excellent machines

for jumping to conclusions,

but we don't know anythingabout this Joanna.

I know her. I see her all the time at the ER.

- Well, there you go. - I'm sure she's very...

Hold on, Marjorie, I want to hear what Wendy has to say.

You get one a year. Make it count.

Tell me everything about her.

She's nice.

Is that it?

Kinda.

Somebody get me a can of soup.

I'll get it out of her.

I don't know what you want from me.

She has two dogs, Barkley and Slayton.

Aw, now I feel bad for calling her a skank.

But she still is.

What does she look like?

Your nostrils are scaring me.

Yeah. This is getting out of hand.

Calm down, Jill.

You're right.

Wendy, honey,

what does she look like?

I don't know. She's just nice.

Around 40 years old.

Kind of average-looking.

Before me, average was Andy's type.

Okay, okay, you have no reason to suspect

that Joanna and Andy have anything

beyond a professional relationship.

And, Jill, you agreed to this break

to give him time to think,

and you have to honor that agreement.

Okay, but I made that agreement before I knew about

average Joanna and her two damn dogs.

Oh, and she also collects vintage dolls.

What, have you watched a documentary on this woman?

My kingdom for a can of soup.

Steak, Tater Tots, beer and me.

Your four favorite food groups.

It all looks great.

And again, my apologies.

I did not know I was striking your handsome face

with the zipper side of the pillow.

Apology accepted, but if anybody at the bar asks,

I took a guy with a knife down.

How's Jill doing?

Not good.

The Joanna bombshell sent her into a tailspin,

but she'll be fine.

Yeah, but Jill's fine and normal fine

are not the same fine.

Go on.

Well, you know. She comes with a side of drama.

It's like Andy says, she's a bit of a handful.

Tell me the Tater Tot

is not the most perfect form of potato.

You got the crispy outside, you got the fluffy inside...

Do you think I'm a handful?

What do you mean?