Praise Petey

It's morning again in New Utopia.

The sun is shining.

The goats are screaming.

Um, and I'm still here

despite the fact that last night,

I witnessed beloved character actor Alan Tudyk

get ritualistically murdered by my dad's cult

that I just inherited.

all: Fresh blood!

Fresh--

Sure, yesterday was a lot.

And yeah, part of me is terrified

I made a huge mistake in agreeing to be their leader.

But I can change this place.

I just need to stay positive

and try not to get too freaked out.

Petey, good morning.

Who the are you?

Me? Oh, I'm a human Shih Tzu.

For years, your father trusted me

to warm his bed in the early morning hours,

sort of like a regular Shih Tzu,

only I'm a person.

My dad made you lay on his feet?

Your dad let me lie on his feet.

You lay an object.

You lie on a man's feet to get into heaven.

Oh, boy, it feels good to be back.

There's your limb stretcher, your pleasant bird sound maker,

your Metamucil holder, and your correspondence reader.

Text from ex-fiancé Brian reads, "Where are you?"

Text from Mom reads, "What have you done?"

Text from BFF Ella reads, "Hey, bread factory!

"You forgot your yeast infection meds

"and prescription underpants.

"Drop a pin, bitch.

"Sorry for stealing your fiancé

and for the way I've said all this--"

That's enough, thank you.

Can you please walk me now?

OK, Petey, see something normal.

Oh, there you are, Miss Sleepy Buns.

We've been waiting for you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You all don't have to do that.

Thank you.

No pageantry?

Oh, I just mean,

I'm new to this whole "being a leader" thing,

so if it's cool with everybody,

I'd rather skip the hoopla and get to work.

Work?

Right, what does my job look like?

Job?

Yes, what did my dad do every day?

We love you, Petey!

Whoo, Petey!

- The Great Daughter! - Oh, my God!

You're fantastic!

He started every morning like this?

We always had a daily parade to celebrate the fact

that our leader woke up.

Look how happy everyone is now that they have someone

to mindlessly follow again.

Oh, there's my new friend Eliza.

Hey, Petey!

Just throwing out this old rug!

Eliza, for a second I thought you

were throwing out a dead bod--

And there it is.

So my goal here is to work with you guys

to de-weirdify things.

So far everything is weird, and I'm getting overwhelmed.

So is there anything normal you can show me?

This is the Speechblasters Training Center

for Public Speaking.

In your speech, I counted six "ums."

Good progress.

Great, this looks normal.

But six is more than zero. You know the rule.

Get out the Punishment Cap!

all: Punished, punished, punished.

I deserve this. Thank you.

You made a mistake.

My crush.

OK, say something hot and smart.

Say something hot and smart.

Hey denim ass, fancy seeing your ass and butt.

Oh, bad.

Wow-wee.

Look who brought back the weird cult parade.

Excuse me, I did not tell them to do this.

They just did it.

Nice crown.

Oh, ugh.

I'm un-culting the cult from the inside.

You'll see.

As leader, I'll make New Utopia normal.

I'm on my way to my dad's office.

He didn't have an office.

That's right.

He had a Sex Hut. - What?

Strength.

Inner strength.

This is where your father did all his best thinking,

surrounded by his favorite things--

big leather couches with cupholders

and a private bathroom with a loud fan.

Well, I guess none of this is as weird

as it could have been.

And of course, here are his bevy

of gorgeous, pure-hearted wives.

His what's up?

Greetings, Cosmic Lover.

I'm Wife Beth, and I bear sausage.

I'm Wife Joslyn, and I bear applewood smoked bacon.

I'm Wife Wendy, and I bear--

Stop! Mae Mae, what's happening?

Hash browns.

Your father liked to start his workday

with a heavy breakfast and a light orgy.

- Oh. - We should clarify.

Your father used the term orgy very loosely.

We mostly just helped him with the TV remote

and listened to him describe movies he'd seen on airplanes.

Well, I don't want any of that.

You don't want us?

No, it's not you.

I'm just not a breakfast person,

or an orgy person,

or a parade person, really.

The only thing I need to start my day

is an oat milk latte at my desk.

Is that OK?

We can do that.

Emmett!

Petey would like an oat milk latte.

Yes, right, oat milk.

An oat milk latte with a milk that is made from oat.

Yes.

Super! Now all you need is a desk.

Desk, the leader requires you.

Write upon us.

We serve the leader.

OK, stop. Everybody stop everything.

Let me make something clear.

This is not my dad's cult anymore.

It's my cult.

And it's not a cult, and it's not mine,

and it's everybody's.

What?

I hereby declare that all the weird demeaning jobs

my dad forced you to do no longer exist.

You're free.

I have a vision for New Utopia, and it is bright!

What is it?

Oh, that's a great question.

Um...

I'll deliver big speech tonight in the town square,

unveiling my vision.

7:30 p. m. sharp!

Be there or don't.

You can do whatever you want now.

Oh, wow, I am leading.

I'm a leader.

Did she just fire all of us?

Yes, Desk.

Yes, she did.

The Daily Briefing of the High Elders will now commence.

First of all, let us congratulate

Elder Belshazzar on his new haircut.

Second, this morning,

the Leader laid off our entire work force.

This is a disaster!

You said, once the girl assumed leadership,

she would usher in an era of prosperity!

No one clapped for me when I got a haircut.

Elders, please.

Do you want to go back to the way things were

during the Leaderless Times?

No leader to serve.

Maybe I'll visit my kids.

The Great Daughter!

She's arrived!

Never mind.

Now, I have full faith that Petey's big speech

will provide divine clarity about our town's future.

Till then, we all must remain calm.

The Leader has forsaken us!

Our existence is useless!

OK, title of the speech.

"A New New Utopia,"

and underline the first "new."

Wait, did you think I was writing that down?

I'm working.

You're so funny, bestie.

Listen, in my previous work life,

I self-sabotaged by getting hyper-focused

on tiny things to avoid a big thing.

So can you maybe call me out if I start doing that?