How I Met Your Mother

In the fall of 2012,

Nick and Robin were going strong.

Sometimes it's hard to say what it is exactly

that makes a couple click.

Wow.

Bravissimo!

Whatever it was, kids, Nick and Robin

really connected at first.

Hey, you know, I think I'm really starting

to feel something here...

But then, as often happens, they started to drift apart.

Why?

Who can say?

Nick and I haven't had sex in three days.

And it's your fault.

Nick won't have sex

because he pulled his groin muscle,

all 'cause you made him join your stupid basketball team.

Did you say "stupid basketball team"?

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, guys,

we have to rush Robin to the hospital.

Because somehow, she swallowed her vocal cords

and they got lodged in her rectum,

: because she's talking out of her ass.

Over the summer, Marshall had joined

a midtown professionals basketball league.

His team of lawyers was called The Force Majeurs.

Ever since they lost to a group of accountants,

he'd started getting a little intense about it.

You sure you didn't have a ringer or two out there, Joel?

Don't know what you're talking about.

Good hustle out there, Aboubakar!

If Joel can use ringers, then so can we.

And Nick is our best player.

So as far as I'm concerned,

you can both keep your groins on ice.

Groins on Ice.

Least popular

Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.

Why are you so into this basketball league?

Robin, it's the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30

Who Work In Midtown League.

It's The Show!

You know, it's kind of funny,

imagining people icing their groins.

I mean, first they'd be all cold,

and then the ice would start to melt,

and things would get all wet and... steamy.

Okay, Lily.

Look, buddy,

I'm also the captain of a team

in the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30

Who Work In Midtown League.

I'm addicted to the adrenaline, too.

Still, don't you think you're getting

a little obsessive about...

Uh, hold up, hold up.

Are you suggesting that you are

a member of a sports team and you're the captain?

So says the "C"

I personally sewed onto my jersey.

After Victoria and I broke up,

I had some free time.

So, called up a few architect friends

and put together a little team

called the T-Squares.

See that?

The floor's uneven.

And that window placement is rubbish.

You know, if a genie gave me one wish,

I would knock down that wall and create a nice flow.

Great wish.

I mean, there's too much hardwood, right?

Did you nerds actually play any basketball?

Um, us nerds focused on something far more important:

bonding.

You guys are going to get pounded.

And I am not.

Oh, come on. You can't go a couple weeks without sex?

Our point guard's a 52-year-old virgin, happy as a clam.

I'm sure he's quite a ball handler.

The problem is, now that we're not having sex,

we're talking more,

and I'm realizing that Nick is kind of...

dumb.

Really? News to me.

I hadn't noticed that. No.

Oh, my God.

You guys think that he's dumb, too?

So dumb.

Air bags are sharper.

Hot as lava but just as thick.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Wow. When did you guys start to notice that he was kind of dumb?

Well, there was that time Nick was doing the crossword.

Hey, what's a four- letter word for cut?

"Nick."

Yeah?

Is a four-letter word for cut.

What is?

"Nick." What?

Oh. I got it.

"Shave."

And there was the comment about Gypsies.

No, no.

I think Gypsies prefer

to be called Romani now.

Do they? Really?

And what do unicorns and, uh, elves

and leprechauns prefer to be called?

You do know, uh, Gypsies are

a real ethnic group that actually exists?

Oh, you guys, I feel terrible now.

I always thought they were just made up,

like goblins or trolls or dolphins.

And then there's that story you told about how you and Nick

picked up that Danish exchange student

and you all took a shower together.

I never told a story like that.

Well, no time like the present.

Let's give this

Danish ho a name.

I'm thinking Nadia.

Yeah, she sounds slutty and bi-curious.

What is wrong with you?

Your kid is right there.

Maybe want to clean it up a lit...

You're wearing a baby and you're doing pull-ups?

No, Ted, I'm sitting around getting soft,

'cause that's what champions do.

The problem is, now that I know how dumb Nick is,

it's kind of making me reconsider the relationship.

Why?

Eventually, Nick's groin will heal

and you'll be back in Sexville,

where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill.

Talk about a double standard.

Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time

or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow.

But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy

who can't be trusted around outlets.

Dump him!

Okay, that is ridiculous.

Is Nick a genius? No.

But does he have

average intelligence?

No.

But he is

a human being, with a heart!

And you're afraid if I dump him, it'll throw off his game.

Robin, he got 36 points and 17 rebounds last week.

And that was with his shoes on the wrong feet.

Well, you're probably all wondering

how the T-Squares' practice went today.

The T-What?

We played up here.

Basketball, people don't realize,

is all geometry, physics and engineering.

If you think like an architect,

you could win a thousand games without ever touching a ball.

What happened to your ball?

Some kids from the Hebrew school next door took it

and wouldn't give it back.

: Oh.

Oy.

Hey.

Hey. Hey. Oh, thanks.

How'd the breakup with Nick go?

Well...

So, I went to this fortune teller today

and she said there was a curse on me.

Did she sell you something to ward off the curse?

It's like you're a fortune teller, too.

Nick, um...

I think we need to talk.

Yeah.

Uh... it's just...

Whoa, these are hard.

Anyway, this $500 bracelet will ward off evil

till the end of the week, so...

Do you think that you could do,

uh, sit-ups or something while you talk?

Yeah.

Anyway, this fortune teller,

she was able to tell me all sorts of stuff about my future,

just from my credit cards and my social security number,

I knew you'd cave.

Which is why I came up with

a little extra incentive

to break up with Nick.

End it by 8:00 p.m. tonight or this invite goes live.

(festive music playing over computer)

"Robin and Patrice's

BFF Fun Day?!"

Kids, Patrice was a coworker of Robin's

who'd become sort of obsessed with her.

Robin had managed, until now,

to keep Patrice at arms length.

But if Patrice were invited to something called